4 Key Skills for Building Your Emotional Intelligence

“It is very important to understand that emotional intelligence is not the opposite of intelligence, it is not the triumph of heart over head—it is the unique intersection of both.” -David Caruso

Emotional intelligence has changed our understanding of intelligence remarkably. While so many people see emotions as something secondary to logic and reason, the research is clear that both IQ (intelligence quotient) and EQ (emotional quotient) play unique roles in our overall success, wellness, and happiness in life. Studies suggest that while IQ may predict academic and technical success, persons with higher EQ tend to have better mental health, stronger social connections, and greater resilience in facing life’s challenges (Martins et al., 2010; Schneider et al., 2013; Schutte et al., 2001). Our emotions are extraordinary marvels intertwined with all other areas of wellness.

Emotional intelligence (often abbreviated to EI or EQ) was first coined by psychologists Peter Salovey and John Mayer in the early 1990s and later popularized by psychologist Daniel Goleman in his book Emotional Intelligence.

It is helpful to think about emotional intelligence as having a personal component, what you see and what you do, as well as having a social component, what you see in the world and what you do in the world. Psychologists group these skills into four domains: self-awareness, self-regulation, social awareness, and relationship management.

Emotional Intelligence (EQ) Key Skills

Source: Courtesy of Robyne Hanley-Dafoe

The reality is that all four domains are connected. For example, effective relationship management often relies on strong social awareness, just as successful self-regulation is dependent on self-awareness. At the core of emotional intelligence is our ability to perceive, understand, use, and manage emotions on a personal and social level. When we cultivate a healthy relationship with our own emotions, we become better equipped to navigate the complexities of our relationships with others.

The four key skills for building your EQ:

1. Self-Awareness

Self-awareness is the foundation of emotional intelligence. It is a critical aspect of how we see ourselves and how we behave. Self-awareness is being able to perceive and label our emotions at any given time and understand the impact our moods have on our thoughts and on others.

Self-awareness requires us to be present and be the observer of our emotions, which can be hard when so many of us are on autopilot and busy multitasking our lives away. So often, we feel as though our feelings and behaviors are a mystery, yet often, there may be noticeable patterns if we pause long enough to pay attention.

Are you able to accurately identify and understand your emotions?

2. Self-Regulation

Self-regulation is all about what we personally do to make sure that we are operating from a place of a regulated nervous system. It is the ability to control and redirect our emotions, anticipating consequences before acting on impulse. Our power ultimately lies in learning how to work with our emotions, responding to them rather than reacting, and finding healthy and productive ways of managing and expressing them.

Are you able to manage your emotions and behaviors in a productive way?

3. Social Awareness

Social awareness is the ability to read the room, sense and understand the emotional needs of others, show empathy, and see things from other people’s perspectives. Being socially aware requires many skills used simultaneously. We need to be mindful of the context of the situation, body language, tones, and verbal and non-verbal cues, all while being present at the moment, managing our own emotions, and anticipating our own scripts for responding. Being attuned to the emotions of others is key to building connections. When we get it right, the other person feels so heard, seen, and validated that the relationship is instantly strengthened.

Are you able to perceive and understand the emotions and behaviors of others?

4. Relationship Management

Relationship management is the ability to apply our emotional understanding of the three other domains, taking our own emotions, the emotions of others, and the context into account to manage relationships effectively. The capacity to be in relationships and in the community is a fundamental skill. We must learn how to interact with people in a “well way.” For example, we must learn how to listen to really hear and understand, communicate clearly, work in collaboration, inspire and positively influence others, and talk about difficult topics.

Are you able to build and maintain positive relationships with others?

Emotions are a miraculous part of the lived experience, and our relationship with them is a vital component of our wellness. Nurturing a healthy relationship with our emotions is not only essential for our mental and emotional well-being but also crucial for fostering positive and meaningful relationships with others. These are all skills that we can all learn that will serve us well in our personal and professional lives.