Strategies for Handling Outcome-Based Disappointment

Source: Greg Altmann/Pixabay

When life gives you lemons, as the saying goes, we’re told to make lemonade. But following that adage can be difficult, given how painful disappointment can be.

In fact, it’s been suggested that disappointment is one of the most difficult emotions to process. Here's a potential formula for bouncing back.

In Disappointment, Specifics Matter

There are two types of disappointment: outcome-related and person-related. In outcome-related disappointment, outcomes are worse than expected.

In person-related disappointment, one feels that one or another has caused the disappointing outcome. Regardless of type, all disappointments embody loss. A loss of what we had planned to do or of what we thought about ourselves or someone else.

Let's focus on outcome-related disappointments.

Examples include:

• a long-desired vacation is cut short or canceled because of a sickness
• plans to attend an exciting event are rescheduled because of inclement weather
• a new, exciting job opportunity doesn’t pan out

Bouncing Back From Outcome-Related Disappointment

Recovering from disappointment requires resilience, the ability to bounce back and regain a sense of balance. This is accomplished by physiologically letting go, psychologically letting go, and accessing and sustaining positive emotion.

The philosopher Martin Buber put it best:

There are two kinds of sorrow…When a man broods over the misfortunes that have come upon him, when he cowers in a corner and despairs of help—that is a bad kind of sorrow…the other kind is the honest grief of a man whose house has burned down, who feels his need deep in his soul and begins to build anew.

Psychiatrist Martha Stark has noted that the heartfelt grief of a person who feels their emotion and begins to build anew is a healthy response to disappointment.

In working through disappointment, the first thing to note is how you are feeling. Typically, a person will be feeling sadness due to the loss. There also might be feelings of anger or frustration. Give yourself some time to feel your emotion(s) and put words to that experience.

After a while, it’s time to minister more directly to the affect and if possible, find a way to elevate your mood.

Regain a Sense of Positivity

We are sensory creatures: Our experiences are rooted in what we see, hear, taste, smell, and feel. Neurologist and physiologist Ivan Pavlov understood this when he discovered classical conditioning: Ring a bell, show the dog food, and after a while, the dog will salivate to the sound of the bell. Utilizing the potency of the five senses can also be key to impacting mood state.

The five senses (vision, hearing, touch, smell, and taste) can all be associated with feeling states and can even be used in a targeted way to impact such states.

• Sad? Listen to some sad music that matches your mood. This auditory strategy can serve as a means to shore you up and make you feel not so very alone.
• Ruminating about your disappointment? A visual strategy might include closely looking at the beauty that surrounds you in nature. Psycho-physiological restorative responses have been noted in studies that look at people’s reactions to natural surroundings.
• Touch therapy might include stroking your pet’s fur or a soft blanket for comfort. Kinesthetically, taking a long walk and moving your body is known to improve mood.
• Utilizing taste/smell might include eating a meal that pleases you. A patient long ago suggested that white food (e.g., vanilla ice cream, mashed potatoes, macaroni and cheese) are “comfort foods.” The smell of food, rich with associations, can also bring one into a better mood state.

Nature abhors a vacuum. Once you’ve begun to feel a sense of pre-disappointment mood state returning, find something positive to fill in the newly created empty time.

I never played with Barbies as a young girl, but when a most-cherished vacation was cut short because of a Covid-19 outbreak, I took myself to the movies—after ministering to my disappointment—and for once in my life at least, Barbie was my therapy.