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Key points
- Texting can facilitate breakdowns in communication.
- Research shows that couples who habitually text about serious topics have more conflict in person.
- Gaps in verbal and nonverbal cues such as voice intonation or facial expression can lead to misunderstandings.
Most people have had the experience: You're upset about something. Your phone is right there. You could send a message right then and there. Maybe you're dreading the conversation. A simple text might take the heat off. But before you send that message, think twice.
While reaching out by text is quick and convenient, contacting someone by text message can create and worsen breakdowns in communication.
Misunderstandings
A study of 295 individuals asked to reveal a text-based conversation where they felt miscommunication and to try to conceptualize what happened highlighted several opportunities for misunderstanding when a message is delivered by text (Kelly and Miller-Ott, 2018). Among the problems identified included distractibility/multitasking while texting, acronyms, and technical glitches. Texting also blocked participants from giving or receiving nonverbal cues like voice intonation and facial expressions, creating more space for misunderstanding.
When we do not have these nonverbal cues, particularly when emotions run high, we tend to fill in the blanks. This can look like projecting our own emotions (or the emotions we think someone might reflect) into a vague text message, igniting a perfect storm for worsening disagreements. Technological glitches or misinterpretation of things like emojis can also add to this.
Mentalization
Mentalization is the capacity to guess what each other (and ourselves) may be thinking or feeling. Most times, most people do decently well with this. Still, stress and anger can affect our ability to mentalize effectively. With less information to go off of, we can misinterpret each other's social signals.
In addition, being able to be present with someone cultivates empathy. When we are physically with someone, or when we can at least see or hear them, we are more likely to cue in on their experiences. Texting makes this more difficult, creating less-than-ideal conditions for empathy.
Relationships Over Time
Over time, texting on topics of contention rather than discussing these things in person can wear on a relationship. A study of more than 4,000 couples found that the more serious exchanges, such as apologies or confrontations, were done habitually by text, the more likely in-person interactions were to be strained (Novak et al., 2016).
Significant misunderstandings and damage can be done, sometimes without even knowing. As we aren't present to witness our partner's reaction, the chances of repair diminish. Injuries to the relationship can multiply with no relief.
In Conclusion
Texting is an effective way to communicate about practical matters, but when it comes to the tough stuff, it may be best to wait until a more personal means of communication is available.
Facebook/LinkedIn image: pathdoc/Adobe Stock
References
Kelly, L., & Miller-Ott, A. E. (2018). Perceived miscommunication in friends’ and romantic partners’ texted conversations. Southern Communication Journal, 83(4), 267-280.
