10 Things That Can Make a First Sexual Experience a Positive One

What does it mean to lose one’s virginity? For cisgender heterosexuals, it typically means first vaginal intercourse while LGBT+ individuals may have different definitions. But whatever meaning people attach to their first time, virginity loss is a significant rite of passage into sexual adulthood. It’s been more than 50 years, but I still feel wistful about my first time. I wish we’d known more and fumbled less. But afterward, I had no major regrets, and as far as I know, neither did she. We both wanted to have sex, and we did.

What makes someone's first time feel good, bad, or otherwise? A recent review of 23 studies by European and University of Wisconsin researchers sheds welcome new light.

Most Research Tilts Toward Sex-Negativity

Except for first times that involve sexual assault—as is unfortunately still the case for between 5 and 10 percent of young women—most first times are similar to mine, featuring a mix of elements (often involving alcohol), some enjoyable, others not. That’s no surprise. Partner lovemaking is complicated, like many sports. And how many first-time baseball batters hit a home run? Unfortunately, a pervasive myth holds that when people fall in love (or lust), the magic of their mutual attraction confers instant sexual skills upon them. On the contrary, it takes time, practice, and coaching to master the erotic dance—and ideally, sex education focused on pleasure.

And yet in the U.S., teen sex education still usually emphasizes saying “no,” with possibly some information about contraceptives and prevention of sexual infection. Birth control and infection avoidance are important, but without instruction on sexual negotiation, erotic skills, and mutual pleasure, few first-timers are likely to experience much enjoyment.

Until the new review, almost all of the dozens of previous virginity-loss studies have focused on just one element of the experience: the partners’, and especially the women’s, feelings of regret, guilt, and shame. This sex-negative tilt, while offering some important perspective, has also led to some major distortions:

• Belgian scientists asked 1,778 sexually active young people (age 16 to 20) how they felt about their first time. “Twenty percent expressed negative feelings.” Another 20 percent felt neutral. So apparently the rest—60 percent—had reasonably positive feelings about their first time. But the authors did not mention this. They focused only on the 20 percent who expressed regrets.
• European investigators surveyed 1,312 Bulgarian, French, Irish, and Scottish adolescents (average age 16). “One-fifth expressed negative feelings.” So presumably four-fifths—80 percent—had positive feelings. Again, no mention.
• Swiss researchers polled 7,142 Swiss young adults (average age 26). “One-third regretted their first experience.” Which suggests that two-thirds (67 percent) had few, if any, regrets. But that went unremarked.
• Finally, researchers at universities in the U.S. and Canada amalgamated the findings of surveys from 1990 to 2019 that asked 6,430 young adults (average age 20) how they felt about the timing of their virginity loss. Almost two-thirds (63 percent) said they felt fine about it or wished they’d lost their virginity sooner. Only around a third (37 percent) thought they should have waited. So what was the title of this study? “Perhaps It Was Too Soon: College Students’ Reflections on the Timing of Their Sexual Debuts.”

Of course, any and all negativity around virginity loss is important and deserves sexological and public health attention. But positive feelings should also be considered and commented on, especially when it's apparent that substantial majorities of young people feel more positive than negative. Unfortunately, the research literature has largely ignored positive feelings about virginity loss.

Until now. A recent review of 23 studies shows that only a small fraction of first times generate only regret. Many more involve ambivalence, but sSignificantly, among the large majority who voiced mixed feelings, most rated their first times as overall more positive than negative.

What Makes First Times Feel Bad, or Good

The recent review begins by reiterating my lament: “Most of the studies included in our review were more focused on characterizing lack of enjoyment than pleasure.”

These researchers recognized the multi-faceted nature of first times. “We discovered a high degree of complexity surrounding first sexual experiences. First times [included] positive, neutral, and negative feelings. Adverse [feelings] do not automatically negate pleasure. Rather, people’s first sexual experiences are complicated moments [usually involving] a range of feelings: embarrassment, guilt, pain, and regret—and intimacy, arousal, accomplishment, and pleasure.”

The review identified several elements that contribute to enjoyable, pleasurable virginity loss:

• Consent. First times feel best when both partners affirmatively agree they both want to be sexual together—without pressure, coercion, or threats of shaming for saying no.
• Age/maturity. The line of demarcation is around 16. First times before 16 usually involve less pleasure and more regret.
• Gender. Compared with young men, young women usually enjoy their first times less. Few young men understand the importance of the clitoris to women’s sexual fulfillment. Most young men climax before their partners have even warmed up to erotic enjoyment. And young women must contend with the hypocrisy of society’s enduring double standard: For young men, virginity loss is an accomplishment worthy of celebration. But going all the way opens young women to nasty labeling: easy, loose, slut, tramp.
• The relationship. For all genders, compared with one-time hook-ups, virginity loss in the context of ongoing relationships usually involves greater pleasure.
• Sobriety. Few first-timers are totally sober, but virginity loss usually feels best when the partners are not drunk or drug-impaired.
• Coaching. When partners feel able to discuss their likes and dislikes, first times are usually more pleasurable.
• Sex-positive parents. First times usually feel best when the partners’ parents have discussed sexual decision-making with them. Sex-positive parents recognize the inevitability of teen sexual exploration, do their best to empower their children to say yes or no, and encourage contraception and sexual infection prevention.
• Religiosity. Compared with secular young people, those who say they’re religious usually report less first-time pleasure unless it happens on their wedding night. (However, fewer than 5 percent of Americans are virgins when they say, “I do.”)
• Playfulness. Rushed, pressured, all-genital sexual initiation doesn’t feel as good as leisurely, playful first times that include lots of whole-body caressing ahead of genital play.
• Afterglow. Compared with partners who “come and go,” those who savor post-coital feelings of relaxation, contentment, and closeness usually rate their first times as more pleasurable.

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Virginity Loss: Not a Single Event, a Multi-Year Process

Of course, even when young people check all the boxes above, they’re still likely to feel ambivalent about their first times—and many subsequent times as well. That’s unfortunate. It takes time, practice, and trial and error to learn how to negotiate the many issues involved in pleasurable partner lovemaking. No one gets absolutely everything right the first time.

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