The Voices in Your Head and Sexual Self-Development

The role that internal conversations play in self-development has been sparsely addressed in empirical research, despite the fact that (1) internal dialogues are generally considered to be essential in the understanding of the self and (2) internal conversations are ubiquitous (Schweingruber and Wahl, 2019). Even more so, the use of internal conversations in sexual self-development has been practically ignored. In recent research, I explored how individuals use sexual internal conversations and how sexual selves were developed, transformed, or deconstructed based on sexual internal dialogues.

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Plato defined thinking as “an internal conversation among the self and internalized others. (Plato in Harmer, 2016:7). Dialogical self theory strives to explain this inner relationship between the self and internalized others. Those conversations that play out in our heads throughout the day are a product of our interaction with the social environment. We internalize others and hold internal interactions in mini-societies we create in our minds. What occurs in those internal conversations has an impact on our external behaviors and expressed attitudes. In other words, how we act socially is often a result of how we use those internal interactions, whether the inner conversations are between the self and imagined others or the self-talking to itself.

Research on sexual internal conversations

Recently, I interviewed 50 study participants about their sexual histories. In the course of their narratives, I noted that participants would explain aspects of their sexuality by imparting an internal conversation. In the process of analysis, I gathered and categorized the internal conversations found within the sexual narratives. From this, I explored the ways individuals were using sexual internal conversations and how those uses demonstrated sexual self-development.

In offering sexual internal conversations, study participants discussed how they used the internal conversations in their sexual lives. Internal conversations took place outside of external social settings and during sexual encounters. The uses of sexual internal conversations included:

• Self-Direction: Self-direction accounted for the largest percentage of internal conversations provided by study participants. Self-direction involves motivating one’s self to do something. This included participants directing their actions in order to maximize their sexual pleasure or pushing themselves to broach a difficult sexual conversation with a potential partner.
• Decision-Making: Decision-making involved an individual having to make a choice between a variety of options. One participant had been tied up by someone who was a novice in bondage play. The restraints were too tight and she had to decide whether to tell her partner that she was uncomfortable or say nothing and spare his feelings.
• Retrospection: This is the internal replaying of a past sexual event. A positive replay can contribute to greater sexual confidence, while a negative replay can derail sexual development.
• To-Do List: Some participants discussed creating to-do lists in their minds while having sex. One participant discussed creating and going through her to-do list of things she needed to accomplish the next day while she masturbated. She claimed that this lessened her stress level when considering all she needed to accomplish and wondering if she could get everything done.
• Negotiating Ongoing Action: Several internal dialogues involved the individual directing the sexual encounter in their head. It took the form of “do this and do that” directions for their partner. For some, it was not necessary to externalize the direction to their partner, it was enough to play it out internally. In some cases, it could lead the participant into getting what they want sexually from their partner.
• Complaining: Yes, some participants complained internally during sex. It offered them an outlet when they were unwilling to externalize the complaint.
• Worrying: Worrying has an evaluative use, like complaining. This use of internal conversation weighs future satisfaction rather than immediate satisfaction. For instance, one participant was concerned about whether her partner would tell anyone about their sexual engagement the next day and if the people he told would label her a slut.
• Rehearsals: Often participants used sexual internal conversations to play out a situation that may or may not occur in the future. This is an internal act of preparation or consideration of future behaviors. One participant rehearsed the conversation she would have to have with her parents if they ever discovered her highly stigmatized sexual proclivity.
• Wondering: This use often involved the confirmation or reconsideration of sexual attitudes.
• Imaginary Internal Conversations: Sometimes the mini-society of the mind is filled with fantasy interactions, as in cases where an individual imagines having sexual encounters with celebrities they will likely never even meet. In other cases, fantasies are played out for purposes of arousal, but the individual has no intention of acting upon the fantasy. One participant discussed his cuckold fantasy. He was aroused by walking in on his wife with another man. However, this was not something he ever wished to occur in the external realm.

In these cases of internal conversations, sexual considerations were made in the mini-society of the mind before what was imagined was reintroduced to the external setting. In many cases, a decision was made to not act on a desire or extend an attitude beyond the mind. The ways in which those inner carnal voices are used have an impact on sexual self-development. Based on the importance to understand sexual selfhood, it is a topic that demands greater attention in research and scholarship. The full study on internal conversations and sexual self-development can be found here.