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In the next few weeks, thousands and thousands of traditional-aged students will be heading for their first year of college. Many of these 17- and 18-year-olds will be moving into campus dormitories and living away from the familiarities and comforts of home for the first time. Coupled with the normal anxieties of college (“Will I be able to do well in my classes and my major?”, “Will I like my roommate?,” Will I make real friends?”), many students will miss Mom, Dad, their siblings, the dog, and so on during the first few weeks or months of school. Such parting-anxiety is a normal part of growing up, but both parents and the students themselves should not succumb to the problems associated with homesickness.
If your child is heading to college across the country, then coming home every weekend is not likely to be an issue. But if your child is attending—like the vast majority of students in these United States—a college or university that is 50 or fewer miles from home, there is a good chance that a weekly visit from him or her is a real possibility. Actively discourage these boomerang visits--and there are good reasons to do so.
Here are some reasons for not going home every weekend:
The first few weeks of college are a crucial time. Students need to make friends and to learn to make friends during the first few weeks of college. If they head home every weekend “to do laundry” (a common excuse) they will miss out on campus events, spontaneous gatherings on their dorm hall, and the like. This doesn’t sound like much, but if you’re not around to be invited to social gatherings at the start, later, when you are, you won’t likely be included.
Learning to live away from home is an important adult accomplishment. At some point, children move out of their parents’ home, only to return for occasional visits, holidays, and the like. This is the way of things and a sign of a maturing person is being able to do so without becoming unduly anxious. If an 18 year old can’t bear to be away form home for more than a week, how will that person act when he is 30?
Parents need to face reality, too. Your children need to have their freedom to grow and learn and discover the pleasures and complications of adult life just like you did. You can’t protect them forever and it wouldn’t be in their best interests even if you did. Let them go and rediscover who you are (you are more than a parent and a cook and driver and so on) or who you once wanted to be. You get to grow once your children go to college, too. And holding them back for your own needs is selfish--and a tad sad.
Your friends don’t want to hear how sad or lonely you are. I mean both the new friends in the dorm—they don’t want to hear your sadness because they may be feeling the same way. Better to develop some resilience and embrace your new life on campus. And I am also talking to Mom and Dad—your neighbors don’t want to hear that you miss you kids—many of them survived this typical rite of passage and you will, too.
What are some practical steps for combating homesickness? Here are a few:
Don’t take a car to college. Most first year students don’t need a car, especially the responsibility for taking care of it. If you are going to a university in a city, there is probably reasonable public transportation or Uber or Lyft available. Access to a car 24/7 is too much of a temptation. Besides, if you take a car to college you risk becoming a chauffeur for friends—and many "friends" who just want you to drive them places.
Don’t go home until fall break or even Thanksgiving. Having a defined visit home date makes life easier, even if it’s weeks away—there is a pleasant magic to anticipation. If you know you can’t go home until then, you really need to focus on getting to know the place (campus, town, city) where you now live. That’s a good thing—discover the fun places in your new home rather than reliving the comfortable ones you know all too well at your real home.
Mom and Dad, visit campus sparingly, if at all. Dropping by to see Junior once every week or two isn’t helpful—it’s like having a 60-mile umbilical cord that hasn’t been cut. Don’t do it. Visit on parents’ weekend—just not every weekend. And never drop by unannounced by the dorm—you may not like what you find.
Control phone calls and texts home. Cell phones are a blessing in many cases—for first year students who need to learn to handle their own problems, they are a curse. If you speak to your parents daily via the phone or text-messages (or Skype for that matter) that’s just too much contact—stop doing so and ration contact. Try make your communication with the ‘rents special; only do so once a week unless a true emergency (which usually involves needing money). A weekly call allows both parties to share a week’s worth of news—not a day or, worse, an hour’s worth of news. Adopt a wise view from psychology: Delay gratification so the end result will mean so much more.
Embrace the new. As a first year college student, you have a real and big opportunity to reinvent yourself—if you hate the nickname you grew up with or your given name is too formal or whatever, drop it now at college—no one will know; that is, they will call you what you tell them to call you when you introduce yourself. If you always wanted a nickname, tell your new friends a little white lie and suddenly they will all call you Trip or Chas or Boo or whatever. What about Mom and Dad? Here’s your chance to brag endlessly to friends, acquaintances, family, and perfect strangers about your mature son or daughter who loves college-life and being away from home on an exciting new adventure.
And remember all, it will be Thanksgiving before you know it.
