4 Signs You Are in a Transactional Marriage

All marriages start out like a business deal. Romantics hate to hear this, but it is a fact. When a couple decides to marry, there are legally binding papers to sign, and the officiator of the union introduces the potential partners to a quid pro quo. “Danielle, do you take Peter to be your lawful husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer…” The officiator then asks the same question of Peter. There is no escaping it, it resembles a business transaction.

I have attended lots of weddings in my time, and I have never heard a Priest, Rabbi, or Minister add, “unless, of course, either of you cheats, quits your job, or gains hundreds of pounds—in that case the deal is off.” No, those words are never uttered. But many of these things are implicit, and if one or both partners wish to get out of the deal prematurely, terminating the transaction can be very expensive.

Nonetheless, the concept of transaction exists on a continuum from your basic wedding vows to a transactional marriage devoid of love, passion, intimacy, and commitment—the type I am interested in discussing. Such a transactional marriage might include partners who joined out of anxiety, emotional or financial neediness, greediness, or for their very own survival. Take, for example, the woman who marries solely to escape her past, or the man who marries a beautiful woman who he has little in common with simply to strengthen his ego.

In my many years of treating couples, I have found that some relationships appeared much more like a transaction than others, and that is usually why they were in my office in the first place. The following are four signs that your marriage is a bit high on the transactional end:

Love – If your partner loves you but behaves as if they are not “in love” with you, there might be an opening for someone to take your place. To tell the difference between the two concepts, assess the willingness of your partner to please you. People in love are more engaged in their relationships, more respectful of their partners, and show more concern for their well-being. They like to brag to others about how lucky they are to have found them. A female client said it best in trying to explain to her husband why she wanted a divorce: “Harry, I love you. I would not want a train to run over you. But I am not in love with you, and I can no longer be your wife.”

Passion – If your lovemaking is robotic, or your partner seems disinterested in pursuing lovemaking, your relationship may lack passion. If he or she rarely touches you in a playful, romantic, or sexual way, you might also be void of passion. And if your partner rarely gets excited at the idea of enjoying new experiences with you, passion may be lacking.

Intimacy – If your partner rarely talks to you, expresses little empathy when you are most vulnerable, and prefers to let you solve issues yourself, your relationship lacks intimacy. An intimate couple can talk about the good and the bad without fear of consequences. They even look forward to emotionally and verbally processing with each other. Simply put, they feel a connection that they do not feel with others.

Commitment – Commitment is a nuanced concept. In a business transaction, people tend to trade up or go with the highest bidder. Many people in relationships do the same. Some men trade their long-term wives in for a younger version, and some women trade their husbands in for a more successful man. It is just business, not personal! And it is something Darwin would appreciate. Some of the questions you can ask yourself to determine whether your partner is committed to you and the relationship are: Can you trust your mate to be there for you in a time of need, or is there a nagging concern that they are off looking for new adventures? Is your partner too quick to threaten the dissolution of the relationship? Does your mate have a history of giving up too easily in general? Does your partner seem more interested or fascinated in others? Does your mate unfavorably compare you to others?

Summation

There are other tell-tale signs that you are in a highly transactional relationship, but in my clinical experience, symptoms tend to show up in the specific areas I have mentioned. This is not to suggest that a transactional marriage or relationship is doomed to fail. I am only pointing out that a void in one or more of these areas may leave the relationship vulnerable to interlopers. Some people can stay together in a transactional marriage. It is a matter of taste and tolerance. But partners should at least acknowledge what kind of relationship they are in and recognize the potential pitfalls.