The Importance of Process vs. Outcome Compliments for Kids

“Good job!” is such a nice, common encouragement for a child to hear. Nothing wrong with it at first glance. But we can do better. Let’s talk about how praising a child’s performance outcome can backfire.

When I say process, I mean how the task was completed, whereas outcome describes the task itself. For example, compare “You worked really hard on this cake” to “This cake tastes great!” The latter speaks only to the quality of the product. It’s certainly not a harmful thing to say. But sometimes it can be.

Take, for example, the following scenario: Imagine your daughter excitedly glams up for prom. And you choose to say: “Wow. That dress looks beautiful!” We may be right in our assessment of the dress and our intentions to make her feel good about her appearance. But at what cost? Failing to verbally highlight her.

Don’t get me wrong—I’m not trying to be the internet author who makes some outrageous click-bait statement like “your compliments are destroying your kid’s self-esteem!” Not at all. It’s OK to say the cake tastes good. It’s OK to say the dress is beautiful. Still, let’s go above and beyond! Let’s think about how we can praise the process.

When we praise the process a child engages with, we accomplish two important things: We decrease attachment to the outcome, and we increase the likelihood of perseverant, long-term rewarding behavior (like studying four years to get a degree as opposed to studying four hours to get an A).

Let’s assume that praise, encouragement, and compliments accomplish two tasks in general: They increase the likelihood of a behavior occurring again, and they convey what’s important to parents. Therefore, an outcome-focused compliment accomplishes the desired task of increasing the likelihood of an outcome occurring again but fails to convey (or, at worst, conveys opposing) parental values.

Here’s how it happens: We tell a child we’re so proud of their good grades. Over time, the grades decline somewhat, and other priorities, say, music, take precedence. We’re OK with that! We support our child unconditionally. But now the outcome is not clearly measurable… our child has become accustomed to praise (i.e., increasing the likelihood of behavior and communicating parental values) with measurable outcomes (e.g., getting 98 percent on the final exam).

How, then, can the child begin to build a sense of self-efficacy and pride in her musical development? Concert attendance numbers? Laughable. So here’s what happens; she starts to feel inadequate, frustrated with herself, lost, and overwhelmed.

But what if we had told her how proud we were when she studied? We highlighted how she stayed up late doing flashcards. We acknowledged the sacrifices she made in other areas of her life. What if, after a rare C, we suggested it must have been a difficult exam because we know she’s been working incredibly hard to learn the material?

Fast-forward to her high school music career… She sacrifices in other areas of her life to rehearse, she memorizes sheet music, and she practices daily. This child has now developed the well-learned understanding that strong effort, perseverance, and good habits are praiseworthy things in and of themselves. And then, when a mistake is made during her concert—she’s disappointed, sure—but she’s confident and proud of herself because the outcome does not define her value.

Let’s ask ourselves—which do we like to hear? A year-end “good work” back-pat from the boss or an email detailing how she noticed the extra effort we’ve gone to on a project? Or—and I admit there could be reasonable disagreement here, but stay with me—would we rather hear the compliment, “You look nice,” or “I like the shirt you chose” from our partner? The latter praises both our appearance (outcome) and decision-making (process) while simultaneously flattering us with specificity.

Let’s model for our kids what we’d like to hear for ourselves.