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Key points
- By tailoring your responses, you can prepare for criticism's sting, from annoying whispers to hurtful roars.
- You can set clear boundaries around acceptable conversation topics during family gatherings.
- You start with compassionate communication, then can escalate to temporary withdrawal if necessary.
The holiday season is here, and while this can be a wonderful and joyous time, it can also come with plenty of stress. If you’re lucky enough that your entire family is full of warmth and kindness (or at least courtesy), you may not even need to read this post. Congratulations.
However, many people who enjoy a larger extended family find there may be one person in the mix who may be “more difficult.” Even if you love the person (in fact, sometimes, especially if you really love the person), even minor conflicts can seem stressful. For many people, family dynamics can contribute to anxiety about holiday gatherings, but the beauty of this type of stress is that it can be planned for.
Family pattern stressors are, by nature, predictable stressors that allow us to fill our tool belts with the necessary items for managing holiday interactions before any difficulties are met.
If your mother is always critical of your single status, at least you know the topic will likely be brought up over the holidays. Planning how you will respond to this topic (or whatever your particular “holiday relative situation” may be) can help to manage conflict so that you’re neither super-afraid of it nor actively seeking it; you’re merely prepared to deal with it.
Understand What Is Behind the Criticism
Much of the criticism that can add to holiday stress is simply an expression of care and is not meant to be destructive. While it may be annoying to hear your mother continuously ask if you’ve gone on any dates, it is important to remember that she only does this because she cares.
On the other hand, be able to tell when and if criticism moves towards the abusive. If your mother uses expletives and says you’ll never find a man because you are too ugly or too fat, you likely won’t get the response you seek no matter how you respond.
The good thing is you can prepare for all of this. Thinking about potential criticisms on a spectrum from annoying to abusive can help you tailor your responses to handle the situation while still protecting yourself productively.
Measure Your Planned Responses
While you can prepare for many of the stressful interactions you incur over the holidays, it is always best to think about your responses depending on how the criticism ranks on a scale from annoying to abusive.
Remember, the goal for the holiday season is for everyone to have an excellent time together, so ensuring that you prepare your responses in advance can help ensure you don’t escalate the conflict by overreacting to inferred slights.
Step 1: Ask Nicely
Remember that most criticism comes from a place of care, so you can help family members improve their interpersonal skills by productively discussing how criticism affects you. For example, when your mother asks why you are still single, you can respond softly by acknowledging that you know she is coming from a good place, and because she is doing that, you feel you can be open by letting her know you want to spend time with her without that topic coming up.
Your first line of defense should always be to calmly let the other person know that you would prefer to keep the focus of the holidays on the fun stuff. A great idea is to plan topics that you can use to redirect any conversations that may be headed toward conflict. For example, if you know your father is going to ask you about your job, acknowledge that he is coming from a place where he wants to know you are taken care of, and then try and suggest alternate topics like travel, health, or entertainment.
Step 2: Remind With Compassion
However, suppose you keep noticing a conversation pattern returning throughout your time together. In that case, you’ll need to proceed to the second step of the barometer, where you nicely remind the family member about your request. Remember, your family member is learning to break a habit of how they interact with you, so the more compassion and support you can provide at this time, the better. If you can give these gentle reminders in a light-hearted and friendly way, you’ll be more likely to receive a positive response.
If you can present alternative ways to connect, you will have a better chance of returning conversations to the productive. For example, if an uncle makes political comments that offend you (and you don’t feel like diving in for a conversation about how your views differ, which could even potentially be fun and interesting if everyone can at least remain respectful), then you may want to redirect him in a way that doesn’t escalate tension. Ask him about something in his life that interests you.
This gives a helpful alternative that makes room to focus on togetherness if possible. Given the time-limited nature of holiday get-togethers, this is sometimes a good approach adaptable to other common “offenses” people sometimes encounter at family holiday gatherings.
Step 3: Remove Yourself
If you have calmly gone through the first steps of the barometer and still find the topic keeps coming up, it may be time to remove yourself temporarily from the room to allow everyone to relax. You may want to say, “I’ve tried to be clear on my wishes about keeping this topic out of the holidays, so I’m going to have to remove myself from the room.” You can firmly but politely let family members know you will be happy to resume spending time with them as long as they agree to stop mentioning the topic.
This is also an excellent opportunity to take care of yourself so that you remain calm. Take a walk or drink some hot cocoa, and if you can, call a friend to help vent some of your frustration. Again, since family interactions are predictable stressors, it might be a good idea to plan with a friend in advance so that you can call them if needed.
Step 4: Permit Yourself to Avoid the Situation
Suppose you have tried all the above steps and find that conversations are becoming more conflict-ridden or abusive. In that case, it is time to permit yourself to avoid the situation entirely. Of course, you want to be sure that you are not confusing annoyance for abuse, and you’ll also want to be sure that you’ve given family members adequate time to handle your requests.
Holidays Tips
- Try rescheduling conversations with topics you may not want to discuss after the holidays instead of rejecting them. “Dad, I appreciate that you want to know if I am financially sound, but how about we plan a visit after the holidays to discuss my finances.”
- Recognize that different people have different ways of connecting and don’t always make the conversation about what you want to talk about. You don’t want others to feel that they have to audition a list of topics to talk to you. “Mom, thanks for the concern about my well-being, but right now, I’d like to hear about what is going on in your life.”
- Avoid criticizing topics brought up without providing an alternative lovingly and compassionately. “Hey, Dad, I’d like to tell you about the concert I just went to since we are both such jazz fans.”
About Those In-Laws
A word of advice to established couples and those who may be meeting each other’s families for the first time: If you have a difficult in-law or someone you seem to keep clashing with, your significant other knows about this dynamic. Recognize that saying something critical like “Your mom is being such a b*tch” will only make your significant other feel as though you are attacking the family member and may cause further stress between the two of you.
Again, this is a predictable stressor for you and your partner, so planning a course of action through productive communication can help improve these relationships. For example, if a mother-in-law constantly brings up the subject of grandchildren, calmly tell your partner that you know his mother means well but are feeling a lot of pressure from these statements.
Help give your partners the right tools by offering solutions for productive responses. For example, the first step of the barometer may include your partner telling his mother in a loving way that you are taking your time on the decision and that you both prefer to enjoy the family the way it is now.
Remember, the holidays are meant to be a joyous time for family and friends, so avoid as much stress as possible by preparing for any potential conflict in advance. For more tips on how to use anxiety as a tool to stimulate positive preparation, see my book, Nervous Energy: Harness the Power of Your Anxiety.
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