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Key points
- Developing individuality and healthy separation is hard for parents of twins, who are magnets for each other.
- Twins often compete to be the favored twin who is always right.
- Permitting fighting or disagreements between twins as legitimate may help avoid estrangement later in life.
This post is part 1 of a series.
Over the last forty years I have thought about, read about, talked about, and written about why twins consciously or unconsciously replace their mothers as substitute caregivers for their co-twin. I have myself acted as if I were my twin’s mother, asking Marjorie to sit still on the school bus or finish her dinner. In turn Marjorie took my religious school tests and helped me with my writing as if she were my mother. We gave each other the power to attend to one another in a very maternal way.
Here is how I obtained my insight into being the caregiver for my sister, that many other twins have experienced and reported to me. After completing my education doctorate at USC, I continued to research twin development based on my dissertation, which demonstrated that twins developed differently because they had different relationships with their mothers (Schave, B. 1982). I wrote a book on twin identity, Identity and Intimacy in Twins, with another twin who was a psychologist (Schave, B. & Ciriello, J. 1983). I also met with many twins who reported the experience of acting in the parent role or at minimum, being the dominant twin.
Finally, one Sunday afternoon in Spring of 1990 my twin Marjorie was in town, and I got the courage to say something to my mother about being given too much responsibility for my sister. All three of us were having coffee at the Farmers Market in West Hollywood. (The location felt important to me because this is where I wrote my doctoral dissertation in 1982.)
Marjorie and I were trying to decide which donuts to buy to take home for later when I talked to my mother Sylvia very kindly, saying that I was not my sister's mother, and that she (mother) was indeed the parent in charge. Sylvia, who was a very smart women, actually understood what I was saying. Still, her first concern was that she wanted me to make sure that my twin ate her lunch, because Marjorie was prone to starving herself. And caring for my sister was indeed a responsibility that I would continue to take on.
Twin mothers today know better than to expect twins to parent each other. Enlightened mothers help their twins to separate and live independent lives. “Good-enough” enlightened mothers try to allow their children to be well-adjusted children with independent lives that intersect naturally. (The concept of good-enough parenting originated with D.W. Winnicott, who wrote “The Child, the Family, and the Outside World” in 1973.)
To develop well-adjusted twins with independent lives, a focus on having separate friends and interests and a strong mother-child bond is crucial. Without a doubt, developing individuality and healthy separation is very hard for parents to accomplish with twins, as they are magnets for each other. And twins know how to get their way, as they are very strong-willed and very used to playing together, and naturally even before birth “enmeshed” in the sense that identity confusion is and was normal.
Growing up, I (like many other twins) was my twin sister’s on-the-spot mom, whose role was to keep her out of trouble. And my twin was the adventurer who sought out fun things to do. Marge thought up experiences that were not necessarily in the approved family rules. If Marjorie got in trouble it was my fault for not overseeing her behavior. Over the years I have thought about my mother's request to put me in charge. I have come to realize that many mothers unconsciously or out of desperation give over part of their role to the twin child who is the most caring or most dominant. So here is my explanation as to why this parenting tendency or strategy evolves and creates unfortunate problems for twins as they grow and mature (Klein, B. 2003, Not All Twins Are Alike).
Twin Attachment and Parent-Child Attachment Are Primary and Irreplaceable
Twins share a very close primary attachment that is created in the womb and grows stronger and more intertwined as twins develop and share their lives. The twin bond is irreplaceable, although it naturally changes over time as twins find their own friends and interests. The twin bond is a lifelong attachment, which can be supportive or destructive. Closeness and caring are hallmarks of the bond at birth.
But such closeness creates anger and identity confusion throughout life. Twin attachment because of alikeness and closeness becomes more complicated and even more conflicted as twins grow up and can see themselves in each other. It is especially difficult if twins don't like what they see in their twin. More often than not, twins will compete to be the favored twin, who is always right. In turn, the non-favored twin is responsible for both of their mistakes. Or the favored twin’s indiscretions are minimized and forgotten.
Actually, some of the twin identity is developed as twins measure themselves against each other; making comparisons is another hallmark of twin identity . The comparison aspect of twinship is unique, and it creates fighting between twins due to constant measuring and comparing, and debating the results/measurements.
Mother-twin relationships are also unique and irreplaceable but in different ways. Mom is the primary decision-maker and the one who supports her children financially, emotionally and physically. Mom offers a sense of security and reliability about life. A twin cannot take over the mother role for their co-twin and expect that mental health will develop adequately (Schave, B. & Ciriello, J. 1983).
What twins provide for each other is invaluable affirmation and understanding. While this connection is very substantial and a part of identity development, affirmation and companionship are not enough and can’t take the place of parental involvement as twins develop. When parenting of twins is inadequate, one of the twins often takes the role of the mother, with foreseeable problematic results.
The confusion over whether your twin is a mother replacement is often unspoken and nuanced. Quick and deep understanding, spoken and unspoken, is not replaceable and creates a great deal of loss and grief when it is not available or easy to access. When the mother is a strong-enough (and present-enough) parent, one of the twins will not have to fill her role.
Conclusions
My experiences being a twin and working with twins continues to teach me that raising twins is really hard to do in every way. When parenting goes wrong there are serious repercussions for parents, twins and other family members. While twin-parenting experts suggest that individuality is the key issue to developing mental strength, I am not so sure individuality is enough to create a harmonious twin relationship. Understanding who you are as a parent of a twin is certainly essential. Not allowing twins to parent each other is equally necessary (Klein, B. 2017, Twin Dilemmas).
Educating twins about how they are similar and different from each other will make separation and authentic identity more possible. As well, permitting fighting or disagreements as legitimate (but not to an extreme degree) will avoid estrangement later in life.
8 Tips for Parents of Twins
1. Treat your children as unique and special, which will help avoid arguments and jealousy.
2. Avoid comparisons as much as possible.
3. Make sure that twins have all of the life skills necessary to survive without their twin. For example, each child must speak for themselves and take responsibility for their own unacceptable behavior.
4. Insist that twins have some friends and interests that they do not share.
5. Spend time alone every day with each twin.
6. Look for and encourage different interests and activities.
7. Understand and deal with psychological enmeshment between your twins. Enmeshment is being much too close to the point of unspoken understanding (oneness) and even “twin talk” that no one else can comprehend.
8. Clarify your role as parent.
References
