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Key points
- The best time for discussing parenthood plans with a possible partner is sooner rather than later.
- Find a time when you are both relaxed and already talking about your family or your future plans.
- Trying to have a baby is an all-or-nothing decision, so compromise is not usually the answer.
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The best time for discussing parenthood plans with a possible partner is sooner rather than later. It’s too easy to assume that they will feel exactly as you do about having children or not having children, going through fertility assessment or going through infertility treatment, waiting to start a family or not waiting to start a family—the list continues.
Unfortunately, many people wait too long to have these discussions, and many of my patients find themselves saying, “If I had only known sooner…” What would they have done differently? They say they might not have invested as much time in that relationship, or they might have frozen their eggs so they could have extra time to work out unclear feelings with a potential partner or choose to move forward solo.
Talking about family building can be a difficult conversation, so let’s walk through it one step at a time.
Step 1: Starting “The Talk”
Timing is key. Find a time when you are both relaxed and already talking about your family, when you were growing up, or your future plans. Then, when approaching the idea of children, try not to worry about whether questions might make the other person feel uncomfortable; think of the discussion as an opportunity for you to see if they are open to sharing concerns and feelings.
The hardest part for many is to listen nonjudgmentally to their partner’s answer. People who do not plan to have children are typically concerned about losing their freedom or finances, observed negative experiences in their own home when they were young or among their parenting friends now, or hold fears about the world, including climate change, politics, overpopulation, current and potential wars, and an energy crisis.1
If you are disappointed by their response, ask questions to fully understand their thinking. Remember that even if you don’t initially agree on everything, such as timing or family size, agreeing to have or agreeing not to have a family at all is usually vital for a relationship’s success and an important predictor of compatibility.2
Step 2: Dealing With Differences of Opinion
Don’t expect to change their mind if you are both not in agreement. They may change their mind, but a hope and a prayer are not enough to guarantee it, and living with that kind of uncertainty creates constant relationship stress.
If you agree about family plans but not about the timeline, see the difference as more information about them but not necessarily a dealbreaker for you. Ask more questions so you know how flexible they may be and how rigid the prerequisites are for them.
And if you are both in agreement about family plans and timeline, consider a talk about how you would raise a family—religious upbringing, schooling, community, and job flexibility.
Finally, even if you are both in agreement about all of the above, be aware that many men and women overestimate their fertility and underestimate the potential difficulties of conception.3 This means follow-up questions are a good idea:
“How far would you go to have children? Would you consider IVF? Ovum or sperm donation? Surrogacy? Adoption?"
Since fertility journeys are also learning and growth experiences for individuals, both of you may not know your answers yet, but a willingness to think about them says volumes.
Step 3: After “The Talk”
Your conversation may reassure you that you share values, communicate well, and care about each other’s feelings, but it still may not lead you down the same family-building path. And, although compromise is often the answer to a couple’s differences, trying to have a baby is an all-or-nothing decision, so compromise is not usually the answer to this problem.
Professional counseling can help move a couple forward if either partner is at all flexible or undecided, but it often ends up helping the two move on separately without blame or resentment instead. Only you will know when it’s time for “The Talk” about trying to start a family.
References
Brown, Patrick P. (2022) Why Some Americans Don't Want Kids. The Institute for Family Studies, October 18. ifstudies.org.
Kurdek, L. A. (1999). The nature and predictors of the trajectory of change in marital quality over the first 4 years of marriage for first-married husbands and wives. Journal of Family Psychology, 13(3), 337–356.
Maeda, E., et al. (2020). Fertility awareness, intentions concerning childbearing, and attitudes towards parenthood among female university students in Japan. BMC Women's Health, 20(1), 15.
