Don't Want "Spoiled Kids"? Give Them Real Responsibilities

On July 2, 2012, The New Yorker magazine published an article on American parenting provocatively titled “Spoiled Rotten: Why Are Kids Ruling the Roost?”

The article cited a TIME/CNN poll that reported a striking self-indictment of American parents: two-thirds said they felt they had spoiled their children.

Surveying the latest (at the time) crop of child-rearing books, The New Yorker article noted a common theme: Parents are going to have to raise the bar and expect much more of kids if they want to avoid producing progeny who are self-centered, demanding, inconsiderate, and entitled.

One example of an entitled attitude: A single mother who worked full time said that when she got home from work and asked her 16- and 14-year-old daughters for help with dinner, they would respond, “That’s your job.”

Children of Six Cultures

What have American parents been doing wrong, both when that article came out and in the years since? Some clues come from a Harvard study from decades ago.

In Children of Six Cultures (1975), anthropologists Beatrice and John Whiting reported their investigation of the origins of altruism (helping others without expecting a reward). They found a clear pattern:

The more children had responsibilities that contributed to the maintenance of the family—such as taking care of younger children, caring for animals, helping to grow and harvest food, assisting with meals, and the like—the more likely they were to act in altruistic ways, not just with family members but with people outside the family as well.

In comparing the six cultures, the Harvard study found that children in the United States:

• had the least responsibility for contributing to family life.
• were the least altruistic in their behavior toward family members and people outside the family.

A subsequent study in the journal Developmental Psychology reinforced the results of the Harvard study: Children who had chores—jobs they were expected to do as contributing family members—developed a greater concern for other people in general.

The takeaways for us as parents?

If we want our children to develop responsibility (as manifested by altruism toward others), they should have meaningful responsibilities within their families—authentic opportunities to contribute to family life in ways that matter.

If, instead, we do all the giving in family life and kids all the taking, that’s a recipe for producing self-centered, unhelpful kids.

8 Ways to Raise Responsible Children

Let’s look at eight ways to work toward raising responsible children—kids who have the kind of character that thinks of others, not just oneself, and helps when help is needed.

1. Start responsibility training early—and explain why you expect your children to help.

A young mother tells how she has done that:

Ever since my children have been able to walk, I’ve made them pick up their toys. When we found we were expecting another baby, I explained that I would be very busy with the baby and would need their help.

My 3-year-old brings the wash down every day and gets diapers, and so on when I need them. He feels good about helping and being part of the family. He also understands that by helping me do things around the house, he gives me more time to do things with him.

2. Consider adding chores as kids get older.

A Chicago mother says, “When I was a kid, my mother and I did all the housework. My father and my three brothers never lifted a finger—they said that was 'women’s work.' I resolved it would be different if I ever had sons.”

She had three. Her approach to household duties demonstrates that kids can do family jobs at an early age and more as they get older:

Our boys are now 2, 4, and 6. At this point, the system in our house is that you do one chore for each year of your age. Our 2-year-old pushes the button to start the dishwasher and puts the pillows in place when we make the beds. When he’s 3, he’ll help to set the table.

Our 4-year-old sets the table, dust-busts the front hall, and cleans the downstairs sink and tub. Our 6-year-old vacuums the stairs, makes his bed, washes the upstairs sink and tub, scrapes the dishes, loads the dishwasher, and pours the milk at dinner.

“I tell them how much I appreciate their help,” this mother says. “They’re very proud of what they do.”

3. Don’t pay kids for doing chores.

From a character development perspective, paying kids to help in the home is counterproductive because:

• It robs them of the opportunity to feel good about being responsible, contributing members of their family.
• Chores should be a chance to grow in character—wanting to be a helpful person because helping others is a responsible and kind thing to do.

Starting in the elementary grades, a small allowance can be given independently—not as payment for chores but as one of the benefits, like food and shelter, of being part of a family.

Even a modest allowance is an opportunity to begin to teach kids lessons about handling money and the virtue of generosity. Consider encouraging them to save perhaps a third of their allowance, use another third for spending money, and donate a third to a charity of their choice.

4. Give kids a voice in your family’s chores plan.

Irene Freundorfer, a Canadian family educator and creator of the website 10kids.com, explains her family’s chores system:

In our house, the kitchen chores rotate every day because the kids say they like that system the best. However, they voted that the house chores list should rotate monthly. Complaints by a particular child about doing an assigned chore may be a sign that it’s time for that child to move on to a more challenging, "grown up" chore.

Check out "Home Care" on Freundorfer’s website for suggested age-appropriate chores.

5. Enforce the expectation that in a family, everybody shares the work.

Be clear with your kids that doing their share of family work is not an option; it’s an expectation. Just as everyone benefits from being a member of a family, everyone has family responsibilities. A mother explains how they hold kids accountable to that expectation:

Saturday is our main chores day. We all know that one to two hours are needed to accomplish everything. Chores must be done before any fun stuff. The kids know we will be consistent in enforcing this rule.

6. Besides assigned chores, encourage small, everyday acts of helping.

With our prompting, kids can get lots of practice in small, everyday acts of helping whenever an opportunity presents itself. Such acts will give us many chances to thank them for being helpful and for them to think of themselves as being a helpful person. It will also help them see assigned chores as just another instance of “the way we do things as a family.”

To establish being helpful as “the family way,” we can ask kids, in the day-to-day flow of family life, to do things such as:

• turn lights on or off
• play with or read to a younger brother or sister
• bring in and/or help put away groceries
• water plants
• hold a door
• help clear the table even if you’ve already cleared your things
• help load or empty the dishwasher
• help pick up a room, even if it’s mostly not your stuff
• help someone make a bed
• bring things to a family member who’s not feeling well
• comfort a family member, friend, or schoolmate who’s sad or hurt.

7. Teach that everyone shares responsibility for creating a happy home.

In too many families, constant bickering and fighting make for a stress-filled, unhappy home. Being a responsible family member includes trying to keep the peace by trying to get along. That means everyone treating all family members the way they’d like to be treated—with respect, fairness, and kindness (and sincerely apologizing when they don’t).

It also means taking the time to talk things out when inevitable conflicts occur and working out a solution you agree is fair.

8. Extend responsibility beyond the family.

To help our children learn to be contributing community members, we can provide formative experiences of helping others outside the home. One mother describes her early training in this kind of responsibility:

I can remember coming home from school when I was just a little girl and my mother saying, "Susan, Mrs. Flannigan"—an old lady who lived down the street—"has been alone all day, and I’m sure she would enjoy visiting with you for a while." I remember asking sometimes why I had to do this and other kids didn’t. She told me that what other kids did didn’t matter—that I should do all that I was capable of doing.

Ask your child’s school what service learning opportunities it provides. Consider doing community service with your child. It will set a good example and likely be something they’ll long remember. Much research documents the character-building benefits (e.g., self-confidence, empathy, and sense of purpose) of community service.

If you haven’t yet integrated chores and other ways of helping into your family life, don’t let that be an obstacle. It’s never too late to start.

Explain to your kids that loving parents keep thinking about how to make things better in family life. Having everybody pitch in and help with the family work is a very good way to do that.