6 Ways Narcissistic Abuse Changes You

After the fog settles in the aftermath of narcissistic abuse, you may be more confused than ever. For many, it can feel like that dust never settles. Instead, it is always there, ready to thicken at moment's notice. You may have days where you are feeling OK, only to suffer from insomnia for three days straight while your mind is stuck in hypervigilance, bracing for the next retaliatory act.

Experiencing narcissistic abuse can feel isolating, as few truly understand the experience

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Due to its nonphysical nature, it is often difficult—or even impossible—for outsiders to see what is going on. Few legal structures exist to curtail nonphysical forms of domestic violence, making these tactics go unnoticed—and unstopped—for much longer than anyone would allow physical violence to endure. Domestic abuse is harder to prove without having physical or documented proof. Many nonphysical forms of abuse such as harassment and slander, stalking, or other forms of retaliation are difficult to describe and, even with protection orders, can be hard to stop.

Going through this experience is isolating, even among groups of domestic abuse survivors themselves. Because our abuse was so different, it can feel like we are trying to convince others—and even ourselves—of its validity.

Due to the unique experiences of this form of abuse, many survivors report they have been changed in these ways:

1. You become envious of others going through a normal breakup. Going through a breakup is never fun. In fact, it's almost always painful. But, with the absence of retaliation and revenge-seeking behaviors, one may be more able to heal from the emotional pain in a healthy way. You forget that it is possible to have an amicable split. I remember when I went through my experience, it made me grateful for all of the other breakups I have had that, in hindsight, seemed quite normal. It was remembering that normalcy that got me through some of the darkest times, an ever-present reminder that what I was experiencing was not a "normal" breakup.
2. You become sensitive to others who overuse words like "narcissism" and "narcissistic abuse" to describe mild disagreements or personality conflicts. Those who have gone through the horrific, mind-numbing torture of narcissistic abuse will never confuse a difficult personality or disagreement with another person as narcissistic abuse. The overuse of this word to describe everyday conflicts can feel like it minimizes the true experiences of those who lived it.
3. You may take longer to heal. Being constantly in fight or flight, ready for the next retaliatory act, robs people from being able to heal effectively from a breakup. It may take years to heal fully, and this is OK.
4. You long for more of the abuse to have been physical, just to have some "proof" of it. This is echoed among many survivors, but few will share it openly due to the stigma against these types of statements. In fact, whenever I discuss this fact during trainings or in my writing, I almost always receive some sort of pushback from people who want to "remind" me that physical abuse is always worse. My goal is never to quantify any sort of domestic violence or abusive acts, as all abuse is wrong. But those who suffered from psychological abuse have the additional hurdle of the self- and societal gaslighting that can make it even worse to heal from. Many of my clients will say things like, "I wish I could just show a picture of a bruise or mark instead of having to explain the warped, crazy things that they are doing to me."
5. You learn to be hyperaware of red flags of narcissism, such as lack of empathy. When looking for a new mate, or even meeting people socially, you may be much more aware of personality traits that seem uncomfortable to you. This could be because there is something about them that seems familiar and, thus, should be avoided. This does not mean that all people you do not mesh with are narcissistic—this is highly unlikely. But it does mean that you are learning to trust your gut more to protect yourself.
6. You have higher standards for yourself. Perhaps you are less likely to ignore red flags. Or maybe you are less willing to put up with things such as lying and evasiveness. Similarly, you may make changes or decisions to better protect yourself and your future. For example, many of my clients who have experienced post-separation litigation abuse are more likely to sign a pre-nup for their next relationship or marriage due to not wanting to go through that again. All of these things are OK and are a normal part of the healing process.