Talking to Custody Evaluators: Common Mistakes

Custody evaluations—an assessment of your family dynamics by a mental health professional, usually called for when a child is resisting/refusing contact with a parent—come in all shapes and sizes. Some last months and cost tens of thousands of dollars. I know of one that cost more than $100,000. Some are completed within a few weeks and have a much more reasonable fee. Sometimes the favored parent is the one who asks for the evaluation; sometimes it is the rejected parent who does. Sometimes the parents select the evaluator, and sometimes the court appoints the person. Sometimes the evaluation includes a full battery of psychological tests, and sometimes they don’t. This variation is partly because the evaluation has to fit the specifics of the case and partly because, while there are guidelines such as those set forth by the American Psychological Association (2010), there are no legal regulations that evaluators must follow.

Beware the Many Landmines

Regardless of all of this variation, the one constant is that if you are a targeted parent (you believe that the other parent has or is trying to turn your child against you) then you have many landmines ahead of you as you prepare for the evaluation.

We have to start from the premise that the evaluator will be presented with two competing narratives for why the child is resisting/refusing contact with one parent. The favored parent’s narrative is some version of “I am not involved in this. I didn’t make this problem. The other parent did. That parent is sub-optimal. So, it is up to them to fix it. The kids are old enough to choose/wise enough to know what is wrong with the other parent. I encourage the kids to go to their visits, but I can’t/won’t make them.” In contrast, the rejected/targeted parent’s narrative is that they are a good and loving parent and do not deserve to have their beloved children reject them, and that it is the other parent who is engaging in behaviors that are fostering the children’s rejection.

The Problem for Targeted/Rejected Parents

Too often, the evaluator finds the targeted parent’s narrative to be less believable and compelling than the narrative presented by the favored parent. As Miller (2013) points out, there are many cognitive and clinical heuristics that influence the evaluator to make such a faulty conclusion, such as the belief that it “takes two to tango,” meaning that if children reject a parent, it must be because of faults in that parent’s behavior.

Drawing on Miller’s (2013) seminal work, it is easy to see that there are many ways in which a targeted parent may tip the evaluation against themselves—without even realizing it. This contributes to the common experience of targeted parents being misunderstood and, therefore, even more sad and frustrated (Baker & Fine, 2013).

The Importance of Impression Management

If you are involved with a custody evaluation, one key aspect of managing the process is to be keenly aware of the impression you are making. You have to understand that clinicians are trained to observe the demeanor, affect, and thought processes of the person in front of them. From these observations, they make inferences about how the person behaves in real life. This makes a lot of sense in many situations but not necessarily in custody evaluations. A parent who has lost contact with a child or fears that they will is likely to be agitated, worried, frustrated, and sad. These are normal emotions for the situation. However, if you, the targeted parent, bring too much negative emotion into the custody evaluation, you are likely to be perceived as too emotional, unstable, self-involved, unpleasant, and the like.

Targeted parents need to learn ways to manage their emotions in that setting. For example, it is fine and appropriate to talk about your emotions (when appropriate) but it can be problematic to express them. It is fine, for example, to say, "I feel sad about not seeing my children,” but it is best not to burst into tears and start sobbing. It is fine to say, “I am very frustrated over how the courts don’t seem to enforce the parenting plan.” But it is best not to pound the table in anger and scream about how the system is rigged. Many people in this situation get so caught up in trying to make their points and get the evaluator to see their truth that they end up inadvertently reinforcing the other parent’s narrative.

Preparation Is Key

Before you head into the all-important custody evaluation, it may make sense to get some extra support and guidance from a mental health professional. You may need one to help you understand the evaluation from the inside. Obviously, the goal is not to game the system but to navigate it so that you can be the best and truest version of yourself. You and your kids deserve nothing less!