3 Ways a Narcissist Damages Their Closest Relationships

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Narcissists live with emotional unavailability, limited emotional empathy, grandiosity, hypersensitivity, and a superficial and flashy lifestyle where things are typically for show. These red flags are no surprise to someone who has experienced a narcissist in their life. Yet, many of these signs are recognized only in hindsight and after a person has experienced emotional trauma caused by a narcissist.

Aside from outward displays of confidence, internally, most narcissists have a fragile ego, can be hypersensitive to rejection, and are highly insecure. Many also commonly experience significant jealousy of others and can place themselves in competition with others, which may be a contributing factor to their damaging behavior in relationships. For example, some may know a narcissistic friend who always wants what the other person has—clothes, car, job, type of partner, etc.

However, there are other behaviors that are equally common and cause significant damage to their relationships or their ability to retain a relationship. Here are three common behaviors narcissists engage in that can damage a relationship:

Perfectly Timed “Discards”

A narcissist will usually “ghost” or discard a relationship during the most inopportune times, such as when their partner is most vulnerable or when a friend is most in need of reassurance, compassion, and emotional support. They may arbitrarily leave if their partner becomes ill, is having medical tests done, gets laid off from their job, or if a friend is struggling after a breakup or family problem. Similarly, they typically abandon relationships when that person has served their purpose, which is most commonly seen with those displaying Dark Triad traits.

It should be noted that many narcissists typically have low self-awareness and a lack of insight, rendering them limited in assessing their own behavior. Aside from those with Dark Triad traits or sociopaths who lack remorse and empathy, other narcissists may not intentionally try to hurt others. Simply put, their insecurities, fears, and limited ability to empathize with others will take over during stressful times, triggering selfish behavior and a need to look out only for themselves. When others in their life need support, it takes the attention and external validation they seek off of them, and places it on the person needing help, triggering their insecurities and increasing the risk of a discard.

Emotional Abuse

Elements of narcissistic emotional abuse commonly include smear campaigns, gaslighting, stonewalling, projection (placing their own feelings or behavior onto the other person), and triangulation. For example, a narcissist may create a smear campaign by triangulating others while making up lies about a person to make them appear “crazy.” Those who are more naïve or engage in the “herd mentality” are most susceptible to falling for the narcissist’s manipulative smear. Other common forms of emotional abuse include gaslighting and stonewalling, which are usually done at higher frequencies as the relationship begins to disintegrate.

Emotional abuse is not limited to the above behaviors and may also include all-or-nothing thinking, through which a narcissist sees relationships in idealized or devalued absolutes. For example, a family member may turn to their sister or brother as someone who has all the answers, financially supports them, or listens to their problems. If that person becomes less available or less supportive, they may be devalued, smeared to family or friends, and now pinned as someone they despise.

Avoidance of Being Alone

Most people value (and need) time to themselves. These moments of self-care help with insight, self-awareness, and emotional growth. A narcissist may insist on doing everything with their partner (i.e., shared friends, shared hobbies), or they may overstep their partner’s need for space. Similarly, they may try to avoid being alone by spending most of their free time at the gym, playing hours of video games, or joining many social groups, often at the expense of the quality of their romantic relationship.

These behaviors are due to a constant need for external validation. Narcissists struggle with a very fragile sense of self and understand their identity through others. Many become seemingly different people altogether based on who they are dating, any family members they are closest to at the moment, or with whom they associate at work. Underneath this patterned behavior are deep fears of rejection or abandonment that reinforce their need to always be around others.

Healing From a Narcissistic Relationship

Because a narcissist can be very damaging to a person’s emotional, psychological, and physical health as well as destructive to their relationships, it is important you show self-compassion in your healing journey. Healing from a narcissistic relationship can be challenging, especially if you have experienced trauma from their behavior, or have a history of trauma. However, there is help available.

Narcissism Essential Reads

3 Ways Narcissists Objectify Their Children

Why Do Narcissistic Parents Gaslight Their Adult Children?

First, it is important to find a trained psychologist who specializes in treating trauma and can help support you through your healing process. It can be a long road, and it is not recommended to go it alone. It is also important to establish (and maintain) personal boundaries that focus on your needs, including what you will not tolerate in your life. It is also strongly recommended, if possible, to go (and remain) "no contact" with them and anyone with whom they associate. This helps protect your emotional health. As an added bonus, the more you remain no contact, the easier it becomes to recognize similar toxic behavior in others and to limit your engagement with them, as well.

To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.