When Is Someone Mentally Ready to Have Sex?

Of the many questions I am asked every day about sex, one that has recently been common is: “When can I tell that I am ready to have sex?” Those asking the question are not talking about being physically ready, they are asking about mental readiness. Are they psychologically ready? Are they emotionally ready? One may think that those who are asking me this question are most likely young—teenagers. Well, yes, teenagers do ask me this question, but I also have adults that ask the same question.

When is someone in the right frame of mind to begin having sex? There is certainly not a one-size-fits-all answer to this question. Becoming sexually active is a major event in an individual’s life and we all respond to it differently. As with any new turning point in the life course, the psychological reaction is unique to the individual. So, there is not a set answer to the question of sexual readiness. However, I can offer questions each person should contemplate before becoming sexually active. Your own personal readiness should be evident to you through your responses. The questions center around three primary topics to consider: communication, maturity, and responsibility.

Communication: I have long argued that open and transparent communication is the most important aspect of a healthy sexual relationship. I believe this to be true even if the sexual activity is not part of an ongoing relationship. Communication is equally important in a one-night stand. The question you must ask yourself is whether you are able to talk to your partner about sex in an open manner. Can you tell them what you desire? Can you discuss your boundaries? Are you willing to discuss your expectations? Are you able to listen to what they have to say in a nonjudgemental way? Are you willing to help create an environment wherein transparent dialogues about sex are valued? Are you able to communicate your concerns? If you answer “no” to any of these questions, you will want to look more closely at why. You may come to the conclusion that you might not be ready yet to start a sexual relationship.

Maturity: This relates to how you will respond to both positive and negative reactions from your partner. This also includes how open you are to expressing your reactions to a partner. Are you able to let your partner know if you are uncomfortable with anything? Things may occur, both physically and emotionally, that you did not expect. How do you respond to uncertainty? How well are you able to react to the unexpected? You also have to recognize whether this is something that you want to do, instead of being pressured into having sex (consent is everything). Can you set boundaries and respect your partner’s boundaries? Are you comfortable with yourself and your body? Are you able to trust your partner? Sex lives are not static. Things will change as time goes on. Can you respond to changes along the way in a mature manner?

Responsibility: Closely connected to maturity, one has to consider whether they are responsible enough to accept and deal with all possible outcomes from a sexual relationship. For instance, even if you properly communicate and negotiate the use of contraceptives, there is no contraceptive that is 100 percent effective, apart from abstinence. If the contraceptive fails, what is your responsibility? Are you responsible and mature enough to handle the situation in a sound and effective manner? Can you be counted on to be responsible for any possible outcome that results from sexual activity? Do you believe your partner would be equally responsible?

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Surrounding these topics, a healthy education in matters of all things sexual is essential. Too many people enter into sexual relationships misinformed and lacking sexual education. Overall, an emphasis must be placed on the maintenance of sexual health, which the World Health Organization defines as “...a state of physical, emotional, mental and social well-being in relation to sexuality; it is not merely the absence of disease, dysfunction or infirmity. Sexual health requires a positive and respectful approach to sexuality and sexual relationships, as well as the possibility of having pleasurable and safe sexual experiences, free of coercion, discrimination and violence. For sexual health to be attained and maintained, the sexual rights of all persons must be respected, protected and fulfilled.” Just as many people enter into sexual relationships misinformed, they also engage in sexual relationships that are not compatible with sexual health.

While I, and others, can aid in guiding you to a conclusion about sexual readiness, the ultimate decision on whether you are ready for sexual activity is completely in your court. There are many questions you need to reflect on before that final decision is made. If you can openly communicate with your partner, keep yourself sexually educated, and if you have reflected on and believe you can sustain a high standard of maturity and responsibility, then I would have to say you are off to a good start.