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Key points
- Sexual embarrassment is almost a certainty for anyone who is sexually active.
- Ignoring something potentially embarrassing is not usually an effective technique.
- Using humor and talking through a sexual faux pas are effective ways to sidestep sexual embarrassment.
It is bound to happen to anyone who is sexually active—that embarrassing moment. There is, of course, a subjectivity to what makes for an embarrassing sexual moment. For some, it may be queefing. For others, it may be an unpredictable fart, an awkward motion, an odd vocal inflection at the point of orgasm, an insecure performance, an unexpected period, having someone walk in, etc. The list, as I’m sure you can imagine, is considerable. Even if you do something that doesn’t particularly bother you, considering what your partner thinks about it can bring about the onset of embarrassment. What the other is thinking is as influencing and consequential as what you think.
Let’s unpack those embarrassing moments, how they can be explained as part of the dynamics of our role as social actors, and effective ways to diffuse the sexual periods of time when our faces are reddened.
The Dramaturgical Approach
In order to explain social performances in everyday interactions, Erving Goffman (1959) utilized the metaphor of the theater. We are all, in fact, social actors, according to Goffman. And, just like an actor’s location, our world is divided into two segments of the stage: the front stage and the backstage. In the backstage region, the actor prepares for a performance. It is on the front stage that the actor performs before an audience of others. It is in the hands of the social audience to accept or discredit the actor’s performance.
Each morning, we prepare ourselves for social interaction (backstage). We dress, comb our hair, apply makeup, shower, brush our teeth, and plan for interactions, such as a job interview (front stage). The goal of the social actor is to garner audience acceptance of their performance, and thereby acceptance of the actor’s presented and desired self. Poor performance may send the actor backstage to reflect on the performance and make necessary alterations. It is through this dramaturgical approach that we take on roles, create desired impressions, develop selfhood, understand ourselves and others, and navigate social interactions.
In an unusual, albeit landmark, study by Cahill, et al. (1985), researchers studied social interactions in public bathrooms using Goffman’s dramaturgical approach as an analytical guide. Because the environment of a public bathroom allows for interactions, the opportunity for a social performance to go awry is possible. For example, Cahill devotes a portion of his paper to the emission of odors in the public bathroom.
Techniques to diffuse embarrassment caused by the offending odor can be employed by both the offending individual and the others (audience) occupying the public environment. One technique noted by Cahill was for the offender to disengage with others by intentionally not participating in visual interaction. The audience, for their part, ignored the offense, as to save the individual from a shaming event. This, according to Goffman, is a face-saving technique.
Another tactic exercised by an offender was to diffuse the embarrassing situation by interjecting humor into the situation: “He walked over to a sink, smiled at the observer, and remarked, “Something died in there” (Cahill, 1985:44). This use of self-derogation and assumption of blame—along with a calming of the atmosphere with humor—prevented others from feeling they had to act. The audience could share in a laugh and nothing more needed to be said.
Audience Tact and Self-Response in Sexual Embarrassment
The tactics to reduce embarrassment in Cahill’s public bathroom study do not necessarily positively apply to face-saving in sexual situations. Ignoring a perceived sexual faux pas, on the part of both partners, may save face for the time being, but the moment will pass. Eventually, and rather quickly, the individual may be directly affected by the silence and imaginative perceptions of the thoughts of the other. Such ignoring of the situation by the other can set into motion a process of self-shaming purely based on considerations of what their partner may have thought about the incident. In the end, silence and ignoring the perceived infraction or failed performance can do more damage than the event itself.
The use of humor as a tactic is a different matter. It not only lightens the mood, but it opens the conversation. Unless the other is unwilling to laugh along and chooses to actively shame their partner, a positive closure to the situation is attainable and the performance is saved through a face-saving technique and audience tact. If you attempt a sexual position and it failed due to awkward movements on your part, making a joke about your momentary clumsiness can diffuse embarrassment. Maybe it will lead to another successful attempt. Maybe your partner will make a suggestion about how to go about it successfully. Either way, the joke opened an avenue for something positive to emerge, rather than introducing humiliation.
However, while humor may add a fun component to the sexual encounter, it is not necessary. Simply talking about what happened, rather than ignoring it with a detrimental silence, opens a conversation about the sexual relationship, which is a good step. It can educate the other about bodily functions and reactions. It allows a partner to know what the other does and does not like, sexually. It brings up feelings of shame or embarrassment for a resolution to be discovered. Whether the outcome is positive or negative, it’s better than letting your imagination get the best of you from silence. After all, how can one truly improve their sexual performance without ongoing sexual conversations with one’s sexual partner?
Our sexual performances are important to us as they are part of our overall sexual selfhood. Healthy responses on our part and caring audience tact on the part of our partners help ensure a reduction in shame or embarrassment when sexual performances don’t go as planned. So, talk, joke, and move forward.
References
Cahill, S. E., Distler, W., Lachowetz, C., Meaney, A., Tarallo, R., & Willard, T. (1985). Meanwhile backstage: Public bathrooms and the interaction order. Urban life, 14(1), 33-58.
Goffman, E. (1959). The presentation of self in everyday life. Anchor Books.
