10 Ways Narcissistic Parents Hurt Their Children

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Many who have been reared by a narcissist wonder about the nature of their injury and its influence on their development. Several studies in 2023 shed light on this timely topic.

Ultimately, adult children of narcissists want to know:

• How did my parent's narcissism injure me?
• Where should I look for signs of injury?
• Can I escape my narcissistic parent's negative influence?

The recognized risk of having a narcissistic parent

New research shows how narcissism can play out between parent and child. Three international studies, all published in 2023, observed that the experience of having a narcissistic parent has recognizable consequences on the child's and young adult's mental and emotional development. Subject identification varied by study and relied on self-identification as an adult child of a narcissist (Lyons et al., 2023); subject report of parent behavior meeting criterion for narcissistic personality disorder (Hoxhoj, 2023); and professional diagnoses of narcissism (Torres, 2023).

While employing less-than-ideal methodology (including small sample size, case study or interviewing as the primary investigative tool, and self-report measures), the research nevertheless provides valuable insights. The negative impact of narcissistic parents on children was consistent across studies.

Having a narcissistic parent can negatively influence the child's and, ultimately, the adult's self-worth, attachment style, romantic relationships, and emotional stability (Lyons et al., 2023; Hoxhoj, 2023; Torres, 2023). One study noted that narcissism in the parent could "serve as a barrier to [healthy] attachment and the potential for profound and lasting influences on self-esteem in adulthood" (Hoxhaj, 2023).

Another study informally linked narcissistic parenting to childhood experiences related to "low trust, feelings of shame, commitment difficulties, and poor relationship strategies" (Lyons et al., 2023). Evidence for generational transmission of narcissism was also observed (Torres, 2023).

Narcissists are not equipped to be "good enough" parents

The risk of harm to children of narcissistic parents is real, as narcissists lack many foundational parenting skills and abilities. From a structural perspective, the narcissist does not have the capacity to be a "good enough" parent.

In my recent book, Childhood Narcissism: Strategies to Raise Unselfish, Unentitled, and Empathetic Children, the impact of healthy and not-so-healthy parenting on children is explored. The narcissistic parent injures the child in predictable ways.

10 tendencies in narcissistic parents that can injure children

1. Selfishness and self-centeredness. Narcissistic self-centeredness means that attention is primarily turned inward. As a result, narcissists have less emotional energy available for the child. As children require almost unlimited supplies of attention and affection, the narcissistic parent is ill-equipped to provide adequate nurture, without which the growth of basic security and a positive self-concept suffers.

Risks to the child's development include insecurity, self-doubt, insecure attachment, and flawed self-concept (due to inadequate nurture).

2. Grandiosity. For a parent who longs for power, status, and positive regard, the need for narcissistic inflation makes the child a potential vehicle for serving the needs of the parent. If the child shows extraordinary talent—anything indicating exceptional promise—there is the risk of enmeshment. If the child disappoints, there is the risk of rejection through harsh treatment. Especially talented children are at particular risk of becoming a narcissistic extension of the parent. They can also suffer the ongoing need to achieve in an effort to please the demanding parent.

Risks to the child's development include stunted emotional growth due to enmeshment with talented children (narcissistic extension of the parent) or rejection of less talented ones.

3. Limited caretaking skills and unresponsive parenting. Narcissists are typically insensitive and lack responsive caretaking abilities unless the child provides something that would benefit the parent. The narcissist's lack of regard for the feelings of others means that they too often miss seeing, appreciating, and meeting the child's needs and knowing the unique child. Parental insensitivity impedes the child's developmental progress and translates into low self-confidence and feelings of unworthiness.

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Risks to the child's development include emotional "hunger," limited trust and confidence in others, low self-worth, and immaturity.

4. Low frustration tolerance. The narcissistic parent is preoccupied with their own self-image and often unable to tolerate normal stage-related "bad" behavior. Easily frustrated by childhood misbehavior, the parent is prone to harsh responses to the child. They believe bad behavior in the child will "reflect poorly" upon them, which threatens their grandiose self-concept. Low frustration tolerance in the parent causes dysregulation in the child and results in immature coping skills ranging from perfectionism to tantrums and anxiety to withdrawal.

Risks to the child's development include the need to be perfect, a sense of being unable to please others, anxiety or withdrawal, immature coping skills, and feeling ashamed.

5. Excessive need to control. Narcissists demonstrate an excessive need to control. Overly directing, coaching, and criticizing, they handicap their child by limiting experience with independent, self-directed behavior. Self-knowledge and self-confidence are slow to develop.

Risks to the child's development include lack of independence, inexperience with self-direction, lack of confidence, and immaturity of judgment.

6. Inability to love the "authentic" child. Narcissists lack the ability to love fully and unconditionally. "Good enough" parenting requires that parents love the child they were given, not the child they wished for. Driven to inflate their self-image, narcissists may lack the capacity to love others fully. Conditional love leads to a negative self-concept and basic insecurity.

Risks to the child's development include feeling unlovable or unworthy, negative self-concept, and worthlessness.

7. Tendency toward emotional dysregulation. Narcissists are prone to overreaction and emotional outbursts. Their volatility as a parent means that they may not create a safe emotional space for a child to develop psychologically. A volatile home environment interferes with basic emotional security.

Risks to the child's development include insecurity, problems with trust, difficulties in emotional steadiness, anxiety, and immature coping.

8. Distortion of the facts or bias in interpretation. Narcissists tend to interpret the world in terms of their own needs and biases. Lacking the consistent ability to "see" the reality of many situations, they can be ill-suited to help the child identify their true strengths and weaknesses and build a stable, realistic, positive self-concept or to share an unbiased, accurate view of the world.

Risks to the child's development include flawed, negative, or unrealistic self-concepts and immature or inaccurate abilities to make sense of the world around them.

9. Lack of empathy. Narcissists can struggle with empathy, being unable to appreciate the feelings of others fully. This makes them prone to inadequate understanding and insensitive responses. Empathy is necessary for children to experience trust, develop secure attachment, and learn to attend to the needs of others.

Risks to the child's development include problems with trust, insecure attachment, a sense of insecurity, feelings of isolation, and emotional insensitivity.

10. Flawed model of love and relationships. Narcissists often demand and engage in "one-up/one-down" relationships. Unable to participate in more healthy reciprocal relationships, the child often ends up serving the emotional needs of the parent. This is an unhealthy model both in the family and, more broadly, in peer and work relationships. Children who experience this power dynamic at home sometimes mimic the same limited model in their personal relationships.

Risks to the child's development include an unhealthy model of love and relationships, unrealistic social expectations, and unfulfilling relationships.

The primary deficit seen in narcissistic parents is an overemphasis on parental needs.

The narcissist's self-focus and rigid adherence to selfish satisfaction do not provide a good foundation for parenting. Significantly, narcissists may lack the ability to put the needs of the child ahead of their own unless it serves some kind of narcissistic gratification. Overemphasis on parental needs means that the parent cannot support healthy emotional development in the child.

Source: Unsplash / Kaysha - Wu

If you had a narcissistic parent, are you doomed to repeat their mistakes?

There is evidence that nurture from those outside the family can substitute in essential ways for parental shortcomings. It is well-accepted that healthy corrective life experiences can heal and that growth through therapy can result in substantial change.

Anyone who grew up with a narcissistic parent can grow beyond the injuries born of their parent's limitations and develop in healthier ways. Whether this takes place during childhood or adulthood, healing is always possible. Moreover, anyone who is self-aware enough to suspect a tendency toward narcissism can make substantive changes and avoid injuring their child. Understanding the flaws of a narcissistic parent and its impact on development is a good place to start.