Older Lovers Say They Want Regular Sex—But Not Intercourse

As part of the ongoing English Longitudinal Study of Aging (ELSA), a team of British and European researchers assessed the sex lives and happiness of almost 7,000 coupled participants—3,834 women, 3,045 men, average age 65. Compared with those who abstained from partner sex, participants who made love twice a month or more reported substantially greater happiness (p < 0.001 for the men, 0.003 for the women).

For ELSA women, the moves that brought the greatest satisfaction included: kissing, cuddling, hugging, mutual whole-body massage, and oral sex—but not intercourse. The men expressed a bit more nostalgia for intercourse, but otherwise concurred with the women's erotic preferences.

The Great Intercourse Divide

The women in the ELSA study, age 50 to 89, did not consider intercourse a major contributor to happiness or sexual satisfaction. That’s hardly a new finding. Many studies agree that, assuming reasonably happy relationships, women of all ages enjoy intercourse, especially holding men inside them. But only a small fraction are consistently orgasmic from vaginal intercourse—depending on the study, just 5 to 20 percent. Women’s main pleasure organ is not the vagina, but the clitoris, which sits outside the vagina, an inch or two above it beneath the top junction of the vaginal lips.

Meanwhile, around 95 percent of men are orgasmic during intercourse, which explains why the ELSA men thought more fondly of it. But by age 60, around 90 percent of men have erection difficulties, and even with drugs, may no longer be able to twist the sheets like they used to.

From Intercourse to “Outercourse”

The ELSA study corroborates the two findings of a great deal of previous research. Lovemaking remains important to most people late in life. But vaginal intercourse usually drops out of their erotic repertoire.

This happens for two reasons—men’s increasing erection difficulties, and in postmenopausal women, vaginal dryness and atrophy (tissue thinning) that often make intercourse uncomfortable or impossible, even with lubricant. Most adults who remain sexual past 60 decide that intercourse just isn’t worth it anymore.

Fortunately, when older couples—or lovers of any age—jettison intercourse, they can still enjoy marvelous sex by focusing on kissing, hugging, cuddling, mutual whole-body massage, and other types of play.

Many older adults, especially men, have a hard time transitioning from sex organized around intercourse to sex without it. But sex coaches and therapists almost universally recommend this shift to older couples. And as the ELSA study shows, with or without intercourse—mostly without—almost all the older adults in the study said that regular lovemaking contributed to their happiness.

What About Solo Sex?

In addition to partner sex, both the older men and women also self-sexed, most regularly. They did not feel bad about it, but self-pleasuring did not contribute significantly to their overall happiness.

Why not? Two reasons:

• Masturbation continues to be stigmatized, and the elders in the study grew up at a time when solo sex was even more taboo than it is today.
• Even when people feel fine about masturbation, most rate self-sexing less satisfying than partner lovemaking.

It’s no surprise that the older adults in the ELSA study rated self-sexing considerably less satisfying than partner play. But it’s sad. Today, more Americans than ever are single. They might enjoy some partner sex, but being single usually means less partner whoopee and more solo play.

In addition, around 20 percent of Americans—especially older adults—have aches, pains, and disabilities that make partner sex difficult and sometimes impossible. For them, self-sexing alone or in each other’s company is not “second best.” It’s their best way to remain sexual under changed—and often challenging—circumstances.

My suggestion for older adults: Figure out the sexual repertoire you can enjoy comfortably, solo or partnered, and enjoy it regularly.

My suggestion to younger lovers: If you enjoy intercourse, in the words of Janis Joplin, get it while you can. To extend your years of intercourse, embrace a healthy lifestyle:

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• Don’t smoke.
• Don’t drink more than one or two alcoholic drinks a day,
• Exercise regularly, ideally the equivalent of a brisk walk for at least 30 minutes a day.
• Maintain recommended weight.
• Eat at least five daily servings of fruits and vegetables.
• And get a least seven hours of sleep a night.

Also, understand that by age 60 or so, intercourse will probably become problematic, and you’re likely to decide to let go of it. That’s no big deal. As the ELSA study shows, among late-life adults, even without intercourse, sex remains fun, nurturing, and satisfying—and an important contributor to happiness and well-being.

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