Why Euphemisms Are Crucial in Intimate Relationships

Source: Gary Barner, photographer/Pexels free photo

Throughout history euphemisms have been exploited for insidious purposes. They've been used to mislead and deceive—that is, with hypocritical intent. And even when they've been employed to be courteous—through sugarcoating what otherwise might be reacted to as disagreeable, coarse, or indelicate—"honorable" euphemisms have been prone to distort a message's meaning, and ultimately its hard-to-swallow but authoritative truth.

However, there's a third goal that euphemisms have been designed to achieve—one sharply contrasting with those employed either to obscure or sanitize nefarious ends or conceal things believed discordant with accepted customs and conventions. And in these instances of indirect expression the language adopted exhibits the values, and virtues, of kindness and consideration.

The main objective of these communications is for one's sharing to demonstrate compassion: to state something possibly unpleasant as understandingly, tactfully, and diplomatically, as realistically tenable. That way, the recipient of your speech or writing will be much less likely to experience it as offensive.

The actual meaning of the communication will remain the same, but because one word, phrase, or sentence is euphemistically substituted for another its receiver won't feel put down, dismissed, or rejected. For obviously your aim isn't to make them upset, to see you as condescending, blunt, or rude. Or to force them to engage in a taboo subject that could embarrass them.

Instances of Euphemisms

To offer a few examples, consider the cushioning effect of substituting the word "unique" for "deviant" or "weird"; "outspoken" for "bossy"; or "withholding certain details" for "lying." Or ameliorating phrases or sentences, like "I just noticed how tight your jeans fit. Might they be making you feel cramped?" for "You've let yourself go and gotten really fat." Or, "Were you let go"—or "downsized" or "streamlined out of your position?"—instead of "Did they fire you?" Or, "She's got a really nice personality" vs. "Frankly, she's homely-looking."

Finally, to avoid discomfiting another we have the less direct, or more oblique, "passed on" for "died" or "dead"; "hanky panky" or "going all the way" for the more clinical "sexual intercourse" or the brazen "got laid"; the circuitous "adult entertainment" for "pornography"; and "nature calls" for "gotta pee, defecate, or s--t."

Perhaps Quentin Crisp most piquantly summed up this phenomenon of sweet-scented messaging in reflecting that "euphemisms are unpleasant truths wearing diplomatic cologne." These polite, softening substitutions serve to spare another's feelings and safeguard against putting a relationship in emotional jeopardy.

How Euphemisms Protect Relationships, Particularly Intimate Ones

It may well be that when you were growing up, not yet having developed the social skills required to respond to others graciously, your caretakers criticized you with the scolding words: "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all!"

And however indirect, such adverse parental feedback may have been your first "order" to employ euphemisms. For however harsh their words may have felt, they were only trying to teach you that your speech needed to be selected more carefully if you were to get your message across to another without unnecessarily causing them mental or emotional pain.

Relationships Essential Reads

7 Reasons People Send Mixed Signals In Relationships

7 Questions That Only Secure Couples Can Handle

Back then you may have reacted negatively, as though you were unceremoniously being told to shut up. Still, you could hardly help but be made more aware that speaking impulsively to another without considering how you might be hurting their feelings (or making them seethe in anger) could be perilous to a relationship.

Given how easy it is for people generally to take offense at another's words (or choice of words), the simple, direct way of saying something sensitive can easily undercut, and at times irreparably damage, a relationship.

And that's especially true in romantic relationships, for giving yourself the license to speak with brash candor can make sustaining emotional intimacy in such unions almost impossible.

If we explore one of the main things that contribute to romance, it's largely about feeling you've been granted the opportunity to share with your partner, and they with you, what, discreetly, you'd normally keep hidden. Trusting them enough to take them into your confidence is essential in coming to believe that this relationship is unique—that it's special.

Added to this key romantic element is the other person's feeling privileged by your having divulged such personal details about yourself, which usually makes them feel special, too—a perfect recipe for your both experiencing the relationship as idyllic.

Doubtless, you'd prefer to live in a world where everyone had strong, resilient egos, so it was always safe to speak spontaneously without having to inhibit your expression for fear of how they might take (or mistake) it. To say what was on your mind without ever feeling the slightest obligation to "rescript" it beforehand would make communication a lot simpler and more enjoyable.

Still, unless you're grossly insensitive or in a retaliatory frame of mind, you wouldn't wish to risk hurting another's feelings. And that's all too easily done when the person you're talking to may be insecure or reactive in ways you're oblivious of.

For instance, if your words bring to the surface their not-yet-healed mental/emotional wounds from childhood, you may (however innocently) re-activate them. And this could relate to their erroneously seeing you as questioning their basic intelligence, attractiveness, or, indeed, their fundamental acceptability.

Imagine, too, your romantic partner's asking how they came across when you introduced them to your best friend and your telling them you thought they were too chatty. They might then involuntarily be reminded of how many times their parents shushed them because their "jabbering" was bothersome, prompting them to feel degraded, invalidated, and unloved.

Although you might resent that you couldn't freely share your mixed reactions to how they were conversing with your friend, the reality is that in such instances you need to "compose" your response in a way less likely to revivify any self-doubts they might still harbor. The very fact that they asked you such a question suggests a certain insecurity on their part. So you had to be more mindful that the "first draft" of your response required editing before going public.

That's why if you want your partner to feel genuinely cared about and willing to permanently commit to you, it's crucial, ironically, to mince your words—to strategically amend them so that even when you have some qualms about their behavior, you can express them in a manner that's kind and considerate.

That all runs counter to the common dictum to "say what you mean and mean what you say."

Not that you can't do this, but it's typically best to do so indirectly.

© 2022 Leon F. Seltzer, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved.