The Last Taboo: Female Sexual Abuse of Children

The Madonna: Idealized images of women create blindspots in detecting female abuse.

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The idea of female sexual abuse of children is often unthinkable. It is a taboo. Gender stereotypes still prevail.

Many people believe that women are innate nurturers who could not possibly be predators, aggressors, or abusers, especially not of children. Women, this attitude holds, will engage in violence, particularly sexual violence, only under male coercion. This prevalent myth can blind people to the reality.

Increasingly, women are being prosecuted and convicted for sexual crimes against children without male coercion. Although these convictions are far less than those of male offenders, scholars suggest that actual rates of abuse are likely to be much higher than official statistics suggest.

While figures in the United States suggest that women account for 12 to 17 percent of the sex offender population, research has shown that the perception of dangerousness is gender-specific. Women's sexual offenses are often discounted or minimized. Conviction rates may also be underestimated because many children who women abuse will not disclose, afraid they will not be believed or not even recognize that they experienced abuse in the first place.

Call centers for children reveal a far greater percentage of victims of female sexual abuse than do official criminal statistics; in the United Kingdom, Childline cited that 40 percent of callers reported sexual abuse by a female. If the victim is a boy, it may be even more difficult to report abuse, as boys are taught that they're supposed to want sex and that they're only ever the aggressors and never the victims. The fear of shame and disbelief may stop them from disclosure. Todd Haynes' 2023 Netflix movie, May December, depicts this phenomenon. I will explore female sexual abuse of boys with reference to this film, so readers should beware of spoilers.

May December explores female sexual abuse through its depiction of a married woman with children, Gracie (Julianne Moore), who, in her 30s, has a sexual relationship with a 13-year-old boy named Joe (Charles Melton). She was imprisoned for rape charges but went on to marry him. The couple has always maintained that their relationship was consensual. Still, as time passes and their relationship is reevaluated by a guest in their home (Natalie Portman), Joe begins to question this.

Eventually, he realizes he is a victim, not an equal partner exercising free choice as a 13-year-old boy. Joe shows many signs of being in an abusive relationship. As an adult, he remains submissive to Gracie, and his life is defined by isolation and caretaking responsibilities. He takes care of his children and is an obedient husband to Gracie, but he struggles to socialize and make friends.

Like many victims of childhood sexual abuse, he went straight from childhood to adulthood with no time for important adolescent experimentation. His passion for raising Monarch butterflies is his main outlet and symbolises something of his nascent, caged state. Gracie dismisses Joe's recognition of his lack of choice in the relationship, and in the end, he faces this burden alone.

Like other survivors of child sexual abuse, it is not just his body but also his mind that has been violated, as Gracie uses common manipulation tactics to invalidate his experience. The pain of confronting the lies, distortions, and normalisations of abuse is profound.

May-December is based on Mary Kay Letourneau, a 36-year-old teacher who had a sexual relationship with her 12-year-old sixth-grade student, Vili Fualaau. The movie is a poignant and compelling vision of how an abusive relationship cannot be disguised forever, no matter how convincing its façade is. It reveals that women, like men, can gain gratification through wielding power over vulnerable others and how disregarding female sexual abuse perpetuates harmful myths and ignores the capacity of women to damage children.

It also intensifies the shame that can prevent victims and perpetrators from seeking help. The film also depicts the media's fascination with portraying female sex offenders without complexity or understanding. Gracie appears monstrous, fraught with insecurity and need. Her older son's suggestion that she was abused as a child by her brothers offers a hint of understanding, but she discards this theory. Denial is often preferable, both for the victim and the perpetrator.

The cognitive distortions of sexual abusers, like Gracie, often include the belief that they are not exploiting the child but are in a consensual relationship with them, that they are equal and "in love." Working with female sex offenders can be tough going as their rigid defenses and rationalisations keep the truth at bay, and the stigma of their crimes makes acknowledgment even more unlikely.

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Shame and fear of not being believed can prevent boys from disclosing female sexual abuse.

Source: Istockphot / Shutterstock

Both the Letourneau case and May December highlight central issues in female sexual abuse of male children, including the ways that the women are vilified. Their crimes are sensationalised as titillating and dramatic tabloid fodder and how pubescent young boys can struggle to see themselves as victimised. Instead, they are portrayed as "lucky" if seduced by a "hot teacher." The "teacher lover" trope obscures the actual abuse of rape of male victims by females and the misuse of power, authority, and the role that sexual activity between an adult teacher and an underage student constitutes.

Rather than simply condemning these crimes as unusual and morally reprehensible, clinicians need to address and explore the psychological and historical factors underlying them and reduce the shame and stigma for both victims and perpetrators. To prevent further victimisation and abuse, we should think the unthinkable—that women can and do abuse children sexually for their own needs. Psychological treatment is urgently required to prevent further abuse and end a cycle of harm.