Suicide Threats and Safely Exiting a Relationship

In my research on harmful romantic relationships among high school and college-age students, a troubling concern persistently arises. Young people can talk at length about their feelings associated with falling in love, but offer vague and inconsistent responses when asked, “How do you know when a relationship is over?” Pattern recognition about what constitutes a healthy or unhealthy relationship is an acquired skill, which seems absent from the relationship education of young people. Worse, few consider the serious safety risks that can emerge during a breakup.

Many young people lack the experience or knowledge when exiting a relationship gone awry. Physical assaults, stalking, property destruction, threats directed toward oneself or one’s friends, repeated unwanted communications or contacts, reputational attacks posted on social media, posting of intimate photos, and other abuses may follow in the context of a breakup. Attacks by a former partner also may be directed toward one’s new romantic interest. However difficult it is to navigate these problematic behaviors, one concern that demands special attention. What should you do if your romantic partner threatens to commit suicide as a strategy to keep the relationship going?

According to a recent review by the Violence Policy Center,^[1] there is no comprehensive database or tracking system on murder-suicides in the United States. We especially lack reliable data on the prevalence of suicide threats in the wake of relationship breakups among young people. There is good reason to believe, however, that this is a relatively common occurrence. In presentations to groups of young people, I often ask, “How many of you know of a situation where, in the context of a breakup, one person threatens to commit suicide?” Typically, a third or more of the hands go up.

In the follow-up conversations, I am surprised by two pieces of information that emerge. First, many young people succumb to this form of emotional blackmail and make the mistake of remaining in the relationship. Second, and most critical, almost none recognize a deeper concern at play, the possibility of murder-suicide. They are stunned when I tell them that during a breakup, every suicide threat is an implied murder threat. If a person is willing to commit suicide because the relationship appears to be ending, it is easy to see how this person might also be willing to take out the partner first. The thinking may be, “If I can’t have you, then no one can.”

What Do We Know About Murder-Suicide?

Evidence offers several basic facts to consider. Although murder-suicide is relatively rare, approximately two out of three incidents involve intimate partners. The vast majority (90 percent or more) of perpetrators are males. Firearms overwhelming are the method. The co-occurrence of mental-emotional problems, abuse of alcohol or drugs, and prior suicide attempts by the person making the threat increases the risk.^[2]

Although there is no evidence of a certain personality type prone to threaten suicide in the context of a breakup, there can be several common motivational factors for such behavior. These include the following:

• anger associated with the felt injustice of rejection
• revenge for perceived betrayal or infidelity
• pathological possessiveness and jealously
• extreme identity enmeshing (inability to separate self from other), where the person may think: “We are one and can never be separated.”
• fear of abandonment reflected in a felt sense that the relationship is hopelessly beyond recovery

How You Should Respond

If you (or someone you know) are faced with a suicide threat intended to maintain a relationship, what is the safest way to respond? How should you navigate this situation so that neither of you is harmed? Any such threat should always be taken seriously.

First, it is critical to understand what you should not do. This is not a moment to argue or to list the reasons why the relationship is not working, or to identify the shortcomings of the person making the threat. And absolutely, this is not the time for you to call the bluff or to engage in reverse psychology and challenge the person to go ahead and do it. The following is the sequence of things you should do.

• Deescalate the tension by immediately expressing concern for the other person. Make it clear you would never want to see this person hurt and that you truly care for them.
• If you are alone with this person when the threat is made, gently seek permission to go home or find a way to separate and get to a safe place. This may require saying: “I really care for you, and I need time to think about what you said. Would it be okay if I go home now for alone time? I need to process all these feelings.”
• Once you are safe, immediately contact someone who can act responsibly and bring help to the situation such as law enforcement. You can always call a suicide prevention hotline and ask for guidance. You are not responsible for finding counseling or mental health services for the person who made the threat.
• Following such notification, a third party (mental health professional or law enforcement) should inform the other person that they must not contact you again. If you are in school with the person who made the threat, school officials should be notified to ensure your safety. This person should be informed that the relationship is over. Any further contact could result in legal or other consequences. Any expression of concern for the person should go through the third party; under no circumstances should you initiate contact or respond to this person’s requests for further contact.

If ever there is clear evidence that a romantic relationship is seriously dysfunctional and unsustainable, a suicide threat is it. This is an abusive form of emotional terrorism which you should never accept as an indication of caring. The bottom line: Do not continue to have contact with this person as that will place both of your lives at risk.