What’s Your Emotional Range?

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Imagine if all the human emotions were on a scale from 1 to 10, with 1 being the darkest feelings, such as despair and helplessness, and 10 being the brightest feelings, such as ecstasy and deep joy. All the other feelings are spread out between these two extremes: 3 could be worry, for instance, and 6 could be satisfaction or anticipation.

Most children are naturally born with the full 1 to 10. They begin with free, unadulterated access to the whole emotional range. They feel all the emotions in a strong, visceral way. Children can fluctuate from crying to laughing to crying again in seconds.

Then over time, we internalize messages and judgments about certain feelings: “Boys don’t cry,” “You have nothing to cry about,” “We don’t yell in this house,” “Stop dancing around,” “Sit down and be quiet,” and more. Societal, gender, and family of origin influences slowly trickle down, and as young adults, we begin to narrow our emotional range. Consequentially, many end up living in the four to six range. I call them the “4 to 6’ers.” They live in that middle ground: not too sad or happy, not too in pain, but not too passionate.

I consider them emotional survivors: They are fully functional, regulated, and plow through life. They don’t collapse or fall. They get jobs, marry, and have kids, but something is missing. They usually don’t know what it is. I meet them several years later, in therapy, when they finally confront this narrowness after a crisis, illness, affair, or threats of divorce.

There are two types of 4 to 6’ers:

• Born-again 4 to 6’ers are those who grew up in volatile or violent homes and decided they don’t want to feel such strong pain so they’ll consciously overcompensate and narrow their emotional range in order to protect themselves from getting hurt (this is called a corrective intergenerational script).
• Second-generation 4 to 6’ers are those who grew up in “comfortably numb” homes, and they are replicating what they experienced as normal (which is called a replicative intergenerational script).

Gains and losses of the 4 to 6’ers

There are some gains for this narrow emotional range.

• Stability and control: 4 to 6’ers can operate consistently and efficiently without having the wind knocked out of them with emotional rollercoasters. They don’t get flustered or stuck. There is much less drama and a better sense of control.
• Protection from pain: They are safe from the sorrow, frustration, and despair that can break them.

Several losses are inescapable in this emotional approach.

• Less vitality and fun: Since stability over time makes living somewhat monotonous, there is less excitement, playfulness, or amusement.
• Overall stagnation and boredom with little passion or desire: Passion lives in the outer edges of the emotional range. It is often the uneasiness or yearning that fuels passion. Strong feelings fire cravings.
• Less intimacy and vulnerability in intimate relationships: The narrower the emotional range, the less deep the connection between partners.

Why expand your range?

If 4 to 6 is surviving, I consider 1 to 10 to be living.

Feelings are what make us human. Living a 1 to 10 life means feeling the full range of what it is to be alive. And part of living to our fullest means feeling the highs and lows of life, which can be exhilarating as well as scary. When we allow ourselves the full range, our internal experiences become more sophisticated, Life becomes richer and exciting again, and we gain better regulation and choice over our moods. Every day becomes brighter, thicker, and more meaningful.

How can you expand your emotional range?

• Know your range. Talk to your partner, friends, and siblings and try to distill from their feedback what your emotional range is (as some people tend to estimate their own range with a bias). If you aren’t happy with your range, or you want to feel more alive, then follow these steps.
• Play. Play is the lubricant of life and, as such, will help you soften your self-perception and take yourself less seriously. This will result in your being more open to feeling and expressing new feelings. Try playing with children and people that are comfortable expressing emotions.
• Teach yourself to feel. In order to widen your range, you will have to work consciously “top-down.” In the beginning, it’s going to feel weird, strange, or even fake, but that is how you rewire your brain. Stretch yourself in two directions:

7 to 10: If you want to strengthen your 7 to 10, then practice joy. I have spoken extensively on how joy is a verb.

1 to 3: If you find it hard to access the darker feelings, then exploring them could actually allow you to feel more joy because, after all, the key to your joy is in your pain. Exploring these gloomier moods should be done in baby steps with someone you trust, who will not immediately be activated to cheer you up. You can read more on how to feel more comfortable in your pain in this article.

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• Expect more ruptures. A wider range will unavoidably upset old patterns and introduce new dynamics, which will result in more friction and conflict in your relationships. This is not a bad sign but rather an indication that you are strong enough to enter the crucible of relationships.
• No applause. If you are a survivor who is trying to change, then be prepared that people in your life who are used to you being somewhat “emotionally handicapped” will be suspicious of this change. Don’t be surprised or taken aback; just keep going.
• Be ready for your open heart operation, complete with love, joy, pain, and more.

Follow these steps, and you’ll begin to feel more.

Are you ready to live?