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Everyone looks forward to the holidays. Delicious meals. Family and friends. Roaring fires and
dancing candlelight. Warm, relaxed feelings of peace blanket the Earth, right?
Well, not exactly.
There are many who not only don’t look forward to the holidays – in fact, they dread them.
If you think the holidays will deliver a metric ton of good cheer, then you look forward.
If you think the holidays will deliver a metric ton of disaster, then you dread.
But dread? What’s up with that? We’re talking about Christmas!
But we’re talking about Christmas with the in-laws.
We’re talking about Thanksgiving with the daughter’s boyfriend.
Let’s face it. This is not how you envisioned Thanksgiving; this is not how you envisioned Christmas. You had something different in mind, more relaxing. But this is The Holidays and you have obligations to meet; it’s easier to say “yes” than fight it.
But Holiday Dread can be neutralized.
How?
There are two variants of holiday dread. The first has to do with the intermingling of people who perhaps should never intermingle. It’s like cramming three rolls of Mentos into a liter of Diet Coke; stand back and watch the exploding geyser. As every kid knows, you mix one harmless candy with sort-of-harmless Diet Coke, and suddenly we have an explosion. So there’s Cousin Rachel, a tax-paying, kind Warren supporter, with Uncle Jack, a tax-paying and pleasant Trump supporter, and suddenly it’s time to call the bomb squad!
This common makeshift-exploding geyser is far from the only threatening scenario. At the other end of the table, we have cousin Shaniqua, a solid #me-too advocate, unfortunately, next to Uncle Joe, who strongly believes these women are lying for a payday. There’s not enough armor plating under your Thanksgiving table to neutralize this explosion. Run for cover.
The usual and appropriate first step is to avoid seating the flammables next to each other. Good as far as it goes, but the clock is always ticking, the explosive geyser is always building. They’re like druggies in a large crowd: they always find each other, these “oil and water” groups.
What can you do about “oil and water”? What do you do when you see that first rush of diet coke spewing toward the ceiling like an angry voice?
The answer is to be proactive.
We completely agree that the most mature thing is to step back and let everything work things out, but that doesn’t always work and you have a short holiday timeframe to have fun or the whole event is a wash. So, unfortunately, you are going to have to take a leadership role.
How would that work? What would you say that would dampen the conflict?
First of all, you have to understand “where they are coming from.” Cousin Sadie knows that it is rude to upend the table, but feels that is trumped (no pun) by the importance of “this moment in history.”
What do you need to do? Take them aside, sure, but say what?
Well, first of all, you cannot disabuse them of their ideas, no matter how far off base their ideas seem to you. What you need to disabuse them of is that their ideas matter today, at your table.
These people are fueled by the proselytizing genie, like every convert matters. Cousin Rachel needs to understand that unless you live in a state where somebody is going to win by one vote, it doesn’t matter how Uncle Jack votes. Sad for democracy perhaps, but happy for your table. In other words, a holiday day is not the day to stump for candidates. It’s a time for connection, sharing food and love.
The other big holiday problem is the in-law problem.
In many marriages, the in-laws function like the Yankees and the Red Sox for rabid fans. The Red Sox “suck”, or the Yankees are the “Evil Empire.”
The Yankees are great, and the Red Sox suck, or vice versa.
This is a substitute for my family is great, and your family sucks.
Here is the hack for this: stop defending your family! Take the ju-jitsu tack; use your partner’s momentum for your benefit. “You’re right, my family leaves a lot to be desired; I appreciate your joining me in putting up with them…” You’ll be amazed at how much better this works. Instead of feeling like you are blind and frustratingly blind at that, your partner will feel like you get what sacrifice is being made for you. All will be better.
The third cause of holiday dread is the argument with the spouse -- the division of labor argument. At the extreme it sounds like:
“I do everything – you do nothing.”
It is common for couples who are not getting along to complain of what the other is not doing. The form of these complaints may sound familiar:
“You have no idea how much I do…”
“How come you never…”
“Just once I’d like to see you rinse a cup…”
“Would it be too much to ask for you to occasionally…” (dripping sarcasm)
The holidays lend themselves easily to these kinds of arguments because there is, in fact, a lot to do.
We usually adduce the story of the two interns. They are together in charge of a floor in a hospital, responsible for all the bloods, all the notes, all the patients.
If they start out on the first day each thinking “I want to be thought of as the kind of intern who does 60% of the work,” then they will each end up doing 50% of the work, and they will enthusiastically like each other.
If they each start out thinking “I don’t want to be taken advantage of; I’m going to be careful not to do more than my 50% of the work,” then they will each also end up doing 50% of the work, but they will hate each other.
And that is the trap many couples fall into, especially on the holidays. If you can get your partner to join you in setting out to be the 60% interns, then Holiday Dread will dissolve.
Sit down. Relax. These are the days of pie, not arguments.
