From Kindness to Tenderness

When I left Italy in my thirties to live in California, I didn’t fully understand what it meant to be Italian. Part of this was because being Italian in Italy doesn’t carry much significance, and another part of it was because being Italian in the U.S. involves a host of stereotypes perpetuated by movies, old songs, and some (often fabricated) foods (like fettuccine Alfredo, which isn’t actually Italian!).

Now, as I prepare to celebrate my 10th anniversary here in California, I’m increasingly aware of the characteristics of my Italian identity that stand out when I'm with people who aren’t familiar with Italians.

One distinctive trait is our openness to living and expressing our emotions whenever we feel the need. This aspect, which I am growing to love, made my life in Italy challenging.

Everywhere I went—whether to the post office or a friend’s home—there was always an underlying uncertainty about the mood I would encounter. A simple trip to the post office could end with either friendly smiles and a promise to have coffee together or a dead end to my intended errands. Without fully realizing it, I developed a deep-seated anxiety about this phenomenon. Consequently, I honed the skill of reading others' moods to preempt any negative interactions. This was a lot of work for me.

As a result, I promised myself that I would always be kind, no matter my mood, and I would try to set aside my own feelings as much as possible in any interaction to respect the person in front of me.

When I moved to California, I had mixed feelings about the pervasive friendliness and kindness I encountered. It was incredibly refreshing and restful for my psyche, but I also experienced a sense of loneliness I had never felt before.

Only recently have I begun reflecting on the meaning and limitations of this kindness.

The Wall of Kindness

Having spent most of my life openly expressing my emotions, I never considered the potential downsides of being kind. I believed that kindness was the best behavior to adopt in society for the benefit of both oneself and others.

However, one downside of kindness is the coldness and distance it can create. To be kind, you don’t need to be emotionally invested in what you’re doing. Kindness allows you to set yourself aside and follow a set of behaviors that you know will be beneficial for the recipient. In being kind, you aren’t truly present with the other person. You might be hidden behind the walls of your daily life, remaining a stranger to the person you’re interacting with. This approach is useful for navigating public spaces like the post office or for simply getting through the day, but it shows its limitations in family life, when someone truly needs you, or in professions that require a high level of empathy, such as teaching or nursing.

There is something better than kindness: tenderness.

From Kindness to Tenderness

What’s the difference between kindness and tenderness? Why can tenderness help us overcome our limitations and build connections with others? Tenderness seems to be alive, while kindness is a respectable set of unwritten rules. Kindness belongs to knowledge—you know what to do to be kind to others. Tenderness belongs to wisdom—you need to understand in the moment how to be tender to someone you love (or just like), according to the specific situation. Tenderness changes with each experience, while kindness can remain the same across different scenarios. Holding the door for a stranger and saying thank you are acts of kindness. Smiling at a stranger who is having a bad day is an act of tenderness. Kindness remains somewhat formal and abstract, while tenderness communicates from one living body to another. A caress or a smile comes from your soul through your body. You need to be fully present for this smile to truly reach the other person. Tenderness builds bridges—Maria Zambrano wrote—that connect the inner souls of human beings.

Healing comes from tenderness, which, more than kindness, helps us encounter each other as living bodies in an ever-changing world.

Tender Kindness

To conclude this reflection on my new hybrid identity between Italy and the U.S., with time I’ve decided to embrace a form of tender kindness wherever possible in my interactions with others. It is not always easy and requires quite some wisdom, especially the wisdom of reading the situation and understanding how to respect each other's boundaries. Yet, mastering this skill greatly benefits me, both in my personal life and in my roles as a teacher and philosophical counselor.