Why We Need Diversity in Our Friendscapes

There are generally three factors that draw us into new friendships: life events, shared activities, and propinquity. Life events include transitions such as starting a new school or new job; cementing a romantic relationship through marriage or moving in together; having a child; and retirement.

Shared activities run the gamut from social events, faith-based events, leisure activities, interest groups, and so on. Our involvement in the activity provides one immediate similarity with a potential new friend and provides a context in which a friendship can develop into something more meaningful than just a casual connection.

As a rule, the “propinquity factor” referred to the proximity that was found in neighborhoods and workplaces. This would lead to friendships developing among people in your apartment building or on your street as well as those whose paths you crossed in the course of your daily routine. This might be dog walkers or joggers down your street, folks you see every day on the train into work, the people you sit close by at work, and so on. However, as the typical pathways to “propinquitous” friendships have temporarily stalled, we may be facing fewer opportunities to add to our "friendscapes."

Friendships and social support systems are vital to our emotional well-being, but some of us need to move beyond limiting friends to only those who are “like us,” whatever that might mean to you today. No longer do we exist in a world that looks like one group or another—we live in an increasingly diverse and geographically expansive milieu. We have the opportunity to engage with those who can bring us new perspectives and new challenges to our limited views on how the world looks, how people are “supposed” to behave, and ways in which we can work to make ourselves and the world better.

Friendships should be “comfortable,” for sure, but that doesn’t mean that they shouldn’t provide challenges to us to grow. In fact, most every living thing is more likely to thrive and grow when given the support it needs—and social support is key to successfully testing new ideas and new perspectives. Inviting diverse friends into our social circles gives us space to learn and grow and express innovative ideas that other friends may not embrace—and that’s okay. Seeking out connections with those whose ideas differ from our own helps us to crystallize what we believe—or think we believe—and challenges us to assess the utility of our beliefs. Don’t be afraid to reach beyond the circle you know. According to a study by AARP (2019), diverse friendships provide new perspectives, inspiration, and role models as well.

Diverse friends may help us cope with transitions that others in your circle have not faced including everything from life’s milestones to the economy’s stressors. Limiting your social horizons doesn’t expand your personal horizons. Remember that boundaries don’t just keep others out—they also keep the person who made them locked in. Stretch beyond only those friendships with those who are similar to you—remember that the relationships that will deepen and grow are built on much more personal and meaningful factors. Friendships built on unconditional acceptance, compassionate honesty, and mutual trust provide the foundation for depth and longevity.

The benefits of diverse friendscapes include:

• In terms of emotional support, diverse friends may have valuable new perspectives on our lives that help us get out of our own way as we try to cope. Good friends will call it as they see it and their honesty can help us step outside our stuff and see it from a fresh perspective when it’s needed. And when they’ve gone through what we are going through in the past, they can help us handle transitions.
• Increased number of potential friends available to you! You don’t have to be “carbon copies” of your friends—that’s too limiting in this highly diverse world. Diverse friendships provide opportunities to learn more about the world and experiences beyond the ones that you have had.
• Friendships with diverse others also help you understand the challenges others have faced and grow your sense of empathy. This is like reading about people different from you—by hearing others’ stories, we have a greater understanding of both the diversity of the human experience and the way in which we are all more alike, at heart, than different.
• Diverse friendships provide the opportunity to ask questions about other cultures, identities, or experiences, and grow your own knowledge about these topics. Diverse friends are helpful in filling our support needs—whether it’s instrumental or emotional support that we’re seeking. Whether it’s babysitting, carpooling, ride-sharing, or sharing information about different processes or procedures, friends provide instrumental support.
• Diverse friendships also offer unique learning opportunities and possibly even mentor/mentee relationships. Being asked to provide insight and share information tends to generate a lot of “feel-good” emotions for the “expert” and also fosters a sense of connection that feels good for the recipient of the knowledge.