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Key points
- Parents who "show up" for their children help them feel safe, seen, soothed, and secure from birth through early adulthood.
- Showing up for a child means spending a lot of time with them—quantity matters, not just quality.
- Showing up for one's child sounds simple conceptually but can be difficult in practice.
Pretty much everything goes better in a child’s life and development if they can count on at least one parent’s calm, patient, loving presence. If your young child can trust you to be there for them no matter what’s going on in their world or yours, they’ll feel stronger and more confident. In time, they’ll be ready to move on and make positive connections with others. They’ll be ready to grow and learn and experience the best of what’s possible. They’ll be able to thrive and cope with the challenges that will inevitably come along.
In Imperfect Parenting: How to Build a Relationship with Your Child to Weather Any Storm, I write about the importance of showing up for your child from childhood into adulthood. I connect it to many other ideas and focus in particular on The Power of Showing Up by Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson.
What Does Showing Up Look Like?
"Showing up" sounds easy, and it is conceptually simple, but it requires dedication and perseverance from a parent. For parents living busy and complicated lives, it’s not at all easy to do well in practice.
Siegel and Bryson break it down into four essential components—safe, seen, soothed, and secure—and describe how the concept of showing up applies to every type of family in every type of situation.
- Safe. You can’t protect your child from everything, and you will cripple them if you try. But by being there for them when they attempt something and fail, you can help them feel safe enough they’ll continue to take the risks they need to take if they’re going to learn and grow. By being lovingly present in their tough moments, and helping them learn to welcome setbacks as learning opportunities, you’re encouraging them to feel safe enough to take on the tough challenges that lead to high achievement over time.
- Seen. Each of us needs to feel seen and understood, to feel that we’re valued for our unique individuality. When your child engages in attention-seeking behavior, they may be letting you know they don’t feel seen. Sometimes parents try to ignore their child’s childish antics—scrapping with siblings over trivial things, talking too much or too loudly, clowning around in risky ways—but things will go better faster if you can do the opposite. That is, do your best to notice your child when they’re trying to be noticed. Maybe you’ve been on your phone too much. Maybe they’ve got something troubling them they need to tell you about. Maybe they’re hungry or tired or there’s something else going on. A child who feels seen by their parent is calmer and more confident.
- Soothed. Soothing is another important dimension of showing up. That doesn’t mean providing hollow reassurances that your child is smart or athletic or beautiful. The kind of soothing your child needs is your calm faith in their ability to make it through their problems, with your support as needed. Don’t try to save them from their challenges, but help them realize that with the right kind of help along the way, they can do it themselves.
- Secure. Finally, showing up means giving your child the security of your actual presence, both physically and emotionally, day in and day out. It’s controversial to say this, but Siegel and Bryson emphasize that quantity of time matters. No matter how much parents think they can collapse the amount of time they spend with their child if they give them enough quality time, showing up means being there through the easy normal times, as well as the times that are more obviously troublesome.
Showing Up Continues to Be Important Into Early Adulthood
Especially at a time of increased anxiety and other mental health concerns, showing up remains important across your child’s development, from birth through into early adulthood. You being available in the teen years means you’re more likely to be there as a steadying influence in those precarious moments when your child might otherwise behave recklessly. If your teenager wants to talk, do your best to put everything else aside and listen. Your adolescent child probably won’t let you know it—not until they’re much older—but your showing up now can be a lifesaver.
Finally, increasingly, young people are experiencing serious road bumps during the transition into adulthood. You may think your parenting job will be over when your child reaches 18 or 21, but if you can continue to show up for your child for a few years longer, you’ll increase their chances of making a fulfilling life for themselves.
