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Body Language
The Benefits of Not Talking
Engaging others with silence.
Updated August 31, 2023 Reviewed by Jessica Schrader
Key points
- One day without talking illustrates the powerful influence of language on our relationships and our selves.
- When encountering silence, people adjust their expectations and responses in different ways.
- Talking to ourselves motivates us, guides our actions, and helps us remember.
- Our natural drive to communicate as precisely as possible leads to conventional and creative gesturing.
How much of our self-identity is maintained by talking? And how do our relationships depend on verbal communication? One powerful way to answer these questions is to stop talking for a while and observe what happens.
In my class on personality, I assign a day of silence. Students go a full day without talking, from the time they wake up until the time they go to bed. They have a week to choose which day will be their day of silence, and then we discuss their observations and experiences. (The day of silence cannot be our discussion day.)
The main rule is no spontaneous generation of language during the no-talking day, which means no texting. And of course, no talking. Students are permitted to write brief notes beforehand to alert people to their silence and to be polite: “I can’t talk today,” “Thank you,” and “It’s good to see you.” Some students prepare false statements just to get by, such as, “I have laryngitis.” Other than these prepared statements, there is no linguistic communication.
When the assignment is initially given out, there are two main concerns: what to do at work and how to interact with one’s romantic partner. (If the students have children, we make appropriate arrangements.) I encourage everyone to go out and be among people. To share in the experience, I usually engage in the day of silence along with the class.
What do we learn about ourselves and others when we stop talking?
Ten Observations About Our Non-Talking Selves
1. We become acutely aware of how much we talk to ourselves. During a day of silence, we have difficulty not commenting on our own behavior, not offering self-guidance, not exclaiming, not swearing, and not singing in the car. We also become aware of how much we talk in general.
2. We transform into better listeners, in part because we don’t need to consider what to say next. We also spend more time in thought.
3. The experience of not talking changes over the course of a day, beginning with curiosity and fun and then turning into tedium. After two hours or so, not talking grows frustrating, especially as friends get accustomed to it.
4. When gesturing, our communications become more judicious and more direct.
5. Being unable to talk to our pets is a problem.
6. Humor leaves us because it requires the timing, nuance, and precision of spoken language.
7. Some of us smile more frequently or gesture more dramatically, partly to maintain the interest of others and partly to keep people from getting upset with us.
8. Talkative people feel deprived. Quieter people sometimes feel more at ease.
9. For some of us, being with people and not talking just isn't possible.
10. One simple, resonant conclusion is that people talk a lot.
Five Responses of Others to Our Silence
1. If we communicate with written notes, other people often start writing back, demonstrating the influence of reciprocity in human interactions.
2. People discover their personal power when they realize they can freely express themselves and their opinions, without comment or contradiction. In general, dynamics shift, and people who are usually quiet become more talkative.
3. Some talkative people do not notice our silence, and they continue talking as if we weren't present. Even one-on-one interactions can keep going, as conversational monologues. In this case, we are not expected to communicate. We are simply providing support for someone else to externalize an internal dialog.
4. People naturally make inferences about our internal state. Some people interpret not talking as the silent treatment, and they think we are angry at them. Others may wonder if we’re sick or if we’re keeping secrets.
5. Friends may take advantage of the day of silence, making comments they know will provoke us.
Silent Communication
While silent, we continue to express ourselves through the use of gestures. Some of these gestures are considered culturally specific, such as thumbs up and touching the hand to the heart, and some are considered universal, such as waving, smiling, beckoning, shrugging, and pointing. The most frequent gesture by far is pointing.
Beyond this small set of easily accessible gestures, we can be remarkably creative and spontaneous.
Students who do not prepare written notes for their day of silence begin by gesturing that they aren’t talking. This is often done by tapping the heart a few times with one hand and then crossing the index fingers and bringing the fingered X to the lips. This combination is usually repeated a few times.
If asked why they aren’t talking, some students mime writing—to communicate they're carrying out an assignment. One hand is opened up and flattened, and the other hand mimes writing on this flattened hand. This action combines two recognized types of gesture: acting (one hand acting out writing) and representing (the other hand portraying paper).
In general, we are especially effective at communicating silently with our hands and our faces.
Final Words About Words
When we engage in a day of silence, we learn the specific ways that talking shapes our interactions with others and with ourselves. In the process, we glimpse the daily frustrations of people who do not talk, such as one-year-olds or people who’ve lost the ability to speak. We realize that talking does more than communicate precisely. It defines how we are with other people and it supports and guides our own actions. We continue to feel our natural drive to communicate as precisely as possible, which then leads to conventional and creative gesturing.
