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Key points
- As the school year progresses, parents, especially single moms, may find themselves neglecting self-care.
- Operationalizing or putting into concrete terms how to be kind to oneself is a good first step.
- Engaging one's soul is likely restorative and enlivening.
- Focusing on meaning, in addition to pleasure, is an important element of self-care.
With the hint of chill in the air and back-to-school night behind us, this is the time of the year when parents double down on their childcare duties—checking homework, driving to practices, arranging playdates, staying on top of device overuse, monitoring the latest Tik Tok trends. All too often, over-extended parents, especially single mothers who carry the entire parenting load, put others' needs ahead of themselves and neglect their own self-care, risking burnout long before winter break approaches. The singular focus on taking care of others may make enacting self-care difficult. The first step is to operationalize—to put into concrete, actionable terms the notion of "taking care of oneself."
Operationalizing Self-Care
"What does that mean, be kind to myself?" a single mom asked recently. Not being facetious, she was simply unable to operationalize, or put into concrete terms, the kinds of things that would constitute kindness to oneself. Mothers are often so accustomed to taking care of others' needs that their own aren't even a blip on the radar.
Here are some tips:
1. Aim your caregiving at yourself.
If you have a hard time coming up with ways to be kind to yourself, think about how you might take care of your kids, then take care of yourself in the same way. For example, have you had a nagging pain in your hip for weeks, but you keep postponing a visit to the doctor? What if your kid had the pain? You would have taken them to the doctor already, right?
Had a bad week? Reassure yourself and cheer yourself in the same way you would your child. Treat yourself to ice cream, or take yourself to a nice lunch.
Did you make a mistake? Give yourself the same grace as you would your child. Forgive yourself and try to move on.
Picture yourself at the center of your caregiving circle rather than at the periphery or not at all. Aiming the care toward yourself takes practice—remind yourself!
2. Engage your soul.
No, going to the dentist or taking a shower does not count as me-time. Nor does getting a coffee, no matter how much you love coffee. Nor rest nor meditation, although those strategies do help reduce stress.
What truly restores and enlivens is doing something that has personal meaning, something that reflects and speaks to the core of who you are. For some, it's playing music; for others, it may be open-mike story night, or making strides in triathlon training, or sketching your cat. The most obvious obstacle to this, as many have said to me, is "finding the time," to which I say you won't "find" any time. You have to commit to a weekly time, come rain or shine. (For any hesitations, refer to number one: Wouldn't you want your kid to engage their soul?)
3. Focus on meaning.
Research has shown that happiness is derived from three types of experiences: pleasure, meaning, and engagement. That is, if you have things in your life that bring pleasure (e.g., eating out, going to movies) and have personal meaning (e.g., a rewarding job), and you are engaged in such activities, then it's highly likely that you are happy.
American culture tends to focus on pleasure—get a massage, have a glass of wine, go on vacation, and so on—and underestimate the power of the other two. However, focusing on the meaning of one's activities may help one persevere through the seemingly endless grind of parenting. For example, while I'm exhausted by driving my teens around, I also see it as a chance to spend time with them before they leave home all too soon, which is very meaningful to me and helps me persist through the daily, unrelenting traffic.
By the same token, if you can't remember the last time you took a walk without looking at your watch or getting together with friends, you probably need to add more pleasure to your life as well.
4. Practice "active ignoring."
This is good enough to deal with toddler tantrums, and it's good enough to deal with emails, calls, texts, news notifications, and some other things too. Remember that your attention is valuable, and no one can be on call 24/7. Spend your attention wisely; limit it to things worthy of it, like your own well-being.
