The Upside of One-Upmanship

What starts as a casual catch-up over dinner among old friends quickly devolves into a raucous exchange of ribbing and ragging. It’s not easy organizing a friend hangout amid all-hands-on-deck fathering and work, so we waste no time. We zigzag between politics, potty training, and debating sports; at every turn, we attempt to make funny even funnier, neglecting to collect the finer details about one another’s lives that our spouses ask about when we return home.

Source: Shutterstock / 4 PM production

It’d be understandable to see this friend meet-up as a power struggle, but that would miss the winding and scenic path we take to build trust and closeness. We don’t challenge each other for the testosterone spike of winning so much as the oxytocin surge of winning each other over.

As we age, what looks like status-seeking is a relic of boyhood one-upmanship, transformed into a fun-loving tradition, not an actual attempt to assert superiority over each other.

In the end, trust and affection win our night out; you can tell from the tightness of our departing hugs.

This gathering reminds me that engaging with differences may be an art form in decline in our deeply divided nation, where even friendships have become more fraught. Yet there’s such delight in disagreement and pushing boundaries with friends without the walking on eggshells required at work or on social media. Maybe that’s why this night out felt like a rush of fresh air.

While my close friends and I interact like the teenagers we were when we first met, in recent years, we added a key ingredient to our banter: We share our troubles in ways we didn’t as boys mandated to "man up." We man down to chat about family problems—addiction, dementia, divorce; we unload pent-up parenting frustrations, offering hacks and garnering support. When that runs its course, we pivot to arguing about wars overseas. We don’t change each other’s minds, but we do expand the landscape of conversations we can safely traverse and recalibrate our worldviews.

Jousting, joking, and arguing—sword and shield in boyhood—have become familiar soft landings for tackling tough topics and self-disclosing in older age.

The Roundabout Way Men Do Vulnerability

In our national conversations about men developing better relational skills, it’s as if there’s a proper face-to-face blueprint for baring one’s soul and being empathic that we’ve failed to learn. But the truth is, "doing emotional work" doesn’t have to happen at the altar of sustained eye contact, hushed tones, emotion labels plucked from a feelings wheel, or in gaps of reflective silence. There’s an equally viable indirect, long-form-podcast-like pathway to that same glow of intimacy and support. The interplay between sparring, joking, and sharing troubles—adventure and trust—is a healthy form of male vulnerability we must de-pathologize and embrace.

Importantly, though, men must pause longer to share their emotional struggles directly and become more curious about their friends’ lives. Many don’t get to this point or put enough stock into watering their withering friendships, myself included.

Ruthless Competition vs Sparring

I get how male competition brushes up against violence or masculinity-preserving ego battles. But competition comes in a range of shapes and sizes. It’s not just about evolutionarily driven fights for survival, winning championships, or subordinating others. These versions overshadow playful competition— sparring—that trains empathy and trust and forges the deeper connections our tech-obsessed, frictionless world craves. Sparring signals: If you can take a jab and return fire within the rules, I trust you.

Competition may be lethal in high concentrations but therapeutic in low doses. So, how do you know when it crosses the line?

Toxic competition is zero-sum, erodes trust, lacks boundaries, centers on dominance, and makes men panicky about appearing weak. In contrast, sparring forces you to loosen up on your self-constructed identity to face your reputation— how others see you. Sparring has rules and customs that minimize injury. You must come to terms with your limits and tap out and not cry foul; you must fall, get up, shake hands, and carry on. Winning matters, but the reward is becoming a better person.

Sparring makes you thoughtful about what you say or do and forces you to inhabit other people’s inner worlds (empathy). And there’s not enough of that in our contempt-filled, lonely America.

Adult Sports Leagues: A Male Space

Young men, in particular, benefit from more real-life friction than from simulations in video games or social media. Data finds that combat sports promote ethical behavior and healthy lifestyles, reducing anxiety and depression and building self-confidence and stress resilience. In my psychotherapy patients who participate in recreational sports, I see the carryover effects of teamwork and resilience in their workplaces and homes.

Source: Shutterstock/anek.soowannaphoom

Social scientist Robert Putnam’s decades-old book Bowling Alone documented the decline of our social infrastructure; in recent years, men haven’t resurrected their loss of affinity spaces. In a recent essay, author Richard Reeves presented strong data for more healthy male spaces. I’m not advocating for old-timey gentlemen’s clubs, but it’s non-controversial that male friendships flourish in groups.

Sport and Competition Essential Reads

What Being an Elite Athlete Taught Me About Life

Why Character Matters in Sports

Initiatives like Men’s Sheds or European programs like Mental Health through Sport are evidence that when men band together it boosts their well-being. I see adult leagues as more impactful on men’s psychological health than bars, coffee shops, or churches because they are full-bodied and social, more akin to sparring matches than cutthroat competitions.

Casual adult sports leagues aren’t prioritized enough as potential “male spaces.” A 2022 American Perspectives survey finds that only 13 percent of Americans regularly participate in activities like sports leagues or workout groups. And yes, nobody ever has the time. But men must toss aside the pressure to be skilled athletes and find a kickball team, play pick-up basketball, pickleball, hike, or bike with a crew, or do woodworking projects and make new rituals and memories, talent be damned.

At the heart of this kind of competition, there’s much more love to gain than masculinity to lose.