5 Things People Get Wrong About Cheating

Americans have an odd mix of condemnation and prurient interest in cheating. Even though research shows that most of us believe cheating is wrong, we still click through to stories about celebrities who cheat, or are riveted as dramas unfold within our friends and families. We also have a lot of common beliefs about cheating, but many of those beliefs are grounded in old thinking that is not supported by research.

Following are five key things most of us get wrong about cheating.

Redefining Cheating

First, we don’t know how to define it. We think we know what infidelity is but most of us have a limited understanding that confines cheating to the idea of having sex outside of a monogamous relationship.

We need to broaden our definition. Cheating is the breaking of sexual and emotional agreements within a relationship. The relationship may be monogamous, open, polyamorous, or some other configuration. Regardless, cheating is when the sexual and emotional boundaries around engaging with others are broken and is a form of non-consensual non-monogamy.

Loss of Consent

Second, even though the majority of us believe cheating is wrong we don’t have a good rationale for why infidelity is so problematic. We know it breaks trust and causes hurt, but we often miss the abuse of power that is at the heart of cheating.

When one partner breaks their sexual agreements and cheats, they are taking a power-over position within the relationship. As a result, they rob the other partner of consent. The cheating partner unilaterally, and in secret, changes the relationship dynamics.

The betrayed partner then unknowingly continues to invest in a relationship that they did not agree to. They are no longer sharing power but are living in a relationship that has been altered in a fundamental way without their knowledge or consent. It is this secret altering of the sexual agreements that makes betrayed partners feel dehumanized by the cheating; their relational rights have been compromised.

Conventional Wisdom Gets Cheating Wrong

The third thing we get wrong about infidelity is why people engage in it. Conventional wisdom says that cheating is a sign of problems in the primary relationship. However, several studies conducted with cheating partners contradict this idea.

What these studies show is that cheating partners often report being quite happy in their primary relationship. Instead, cheating often adds excitement to their lives or in some way affirms and shores up their ego and sense of self. Cheating is often much more about the individual than it is about the relationship.

Healing and Repair Are Possible

Fourth, we have a widely held cultural belief that if you are cheated on you need to leave the cheater. We think that leaving is how we preserve our dignity and self-esteem. If we wrap ourselves in a cloak of self-righteous indignation and stalk out of the relationship, we maintain our self-respect.

The reality is quite different.

In my 20 years of experience treating thousands of individuals and couples dealing with infidelity, most people first try to see if the relationship can be saved. Sometimes it is quickly clear that the damage is too high, or the cheating is ongoing and decisions to go separate ways are made rapidly. Other times, the couple starts down the road of repair and then finds that they are unable to do what is needed to stay together in a healthy manner.

The story is that rarely told but is also quite common is that of the couple that stays together, digs in, and does the work to repair the relationship. I have worked with countless couples who have overcome 20-40 years of compulsive cheating with sex workers or chronic hook-ups or serial affairs. These couples have chosen to stay and fight for what they have with one another. In doing so, they heal past relationship and childhood wounds and co-create a new relationship with each other that is stronger than the first.

One of the things I often say to my clients is that there is way more healing available to us than we think there is. This applies to couples dealing with infidelity. True flourishing (not limping along tolerating each other) is possible after betrayal.

Cheating Creates Relational Trauma

The last thing we get wrong about cheating is that we often minimize the damage to the betrayed partner. Because cheating is so common, we can underestimate the level of devastation that betrayed partners experience.

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Cheating creates relational trauma and betrayed partners often display many of the symptoms that those with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder experience in the weeks and months following betrayal. These symptoms can include flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, sleeplessness, panic attacks, depression, irritability, difficultly focusing, and lowered levels of daily functioning.

Betrayed partners require expert guidance and support from helpers who specialize in treating partner betrayal trauma and understand the unique dynamics these individuals and couples face.

We all know someone who has cheated or been cheated on. When something is common, we can make the mistake of thinking it is also simple. However, cheating is a relational issue that is complex and multi-faceted.

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.

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