3 Key Desires Found in Young Men’s Digital Tracks

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As a parent, if you venture into the vast media landscape that caters to your son, you’ll likely run into pranksters, grifters, warriors, intellectuals, or coaches eager to share their secret scripts for prosperity.

You may witness “Mr. Beast” pulling off an impressive philanthropic challenge or an MMA knockout kick. But you will undoubtedly see countless video gamers erupting in triumph or collapsing in defeat within their escapist worlds. Achievement is clear-cut, where when you fail to unlock a new level, you know why.

Interspersed between trolls and bots, you’ll meet gym buffs demonstrating kettlebell snatches, opportunists selling supplements, or find a wholesome comment thread about dating. But in a blink, a dating tutorial swerves offroad into a dark place of pick-up artistry, where masculine extremists flaunt Lamborghinis, demean women, or peddle misogynistic snake oil.

Too often, in seeking out aspirational models of sensitive and strength-based masculinity that fit our fast-changing society, they are sold expired, macho prescriptions that leave them lonelier.

While it’s alarming to have wandered into the “manosphere,” online communities fueled by contempt for women’s empowerment, faith in humanity is temporarily restored after viewing a video of a guitar prodigy or a father figure instructing followers to loop a necktie. It’s dizzying.

Yet don’t forget that young men gravitate towards these fragmented digital terrains for a reason. In a State of American Men report from Equimundo, two-thirds of those surveyed believe that “no one knows them.” Half find online relationships more “engaging and rewarding” than offline ones.

This demographic is drawn to these online spaces to fulfill a spectrum of desires, encompassing escapism, education, self-expression, leisure, edgy and dark humor, sexual satisfaction, and mental stimulation. Yet much of this boils down to deeper yearnings for:

1. mirrored male experiences
2. a distinct masculine identity
3. body positivity

Mirrored Male Experiences

Online, young men attempt to unite, be understood, and see parts of themselves reflected in others. The actual (mis)information exchanged is secondary to this age-old need to feel recognized and to build a coalition to protect against opposing tribes – too often, though, the opposition is females.

In specific digital spaces, guys dive into the confusion and harsh reality of dating or the changing labor market. Masculinity’s deficits aren’t merely called out; they offer one another strength-based prescriptions—rise early, face sunlight and your problems, make your bed, and start your own business.

Many of these on-demand online communities offer the sugar high of fitting in but fall short of belonging. A sense of nourishment obtained from in-person relationships that take time to foster, which might challenge, rather than confirm, your biases.

Older men, more at peace with their masculinity, must step up and mentor. Additionally, we must find ways to direct younger guys to the sustenance that comes from joining a circle of males. I’ve argued for re-branding “locker room talk” and how team sports offer vital social benefits.

Ask your son: What inspires and connects you to the influencers, communities, or accounts you follow?

Discovering a Distinct Masculine Identity

A thought-provoking essay on men by Christine Embawas (in the Washington Post) noted how “to the extent that any vision of 'nontoxic' masculinity is proposed, it ends up sounding more like stereotypical femininity than anything else: Guys should learn to be more sensitive, quiet and socially apt, seemingly overnight.”

Young men today remain interested in the views of social sciences. Still, its narrow focus on how social conditioning shapes masculine norms or cautiousness about striking a gender-neutral tone doesn’t capture the nitty-gritty, firsthand vantage of their male experience.

The dominance of “traditional masculinity,” marked by toughness, self-reliance, or status-seeking that flavors their online content, certainly overshadows more vulnerable forms of masculinity. But this is due, in part, to the advantages being a strong provider offers, particularly in the context of heterosexual dating, where the pesky fact remains that their earning capacity is tied to the romantic attention that they’ll receive.

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Young males also seem eager to learn about their biology and evolutionary history, perhaps because these perspectives validate a bone-deep sense of who they are as humans. This helps explain the popularity of podcasters such as Professor Scott Galloway or Chris Williamson, who attempt to untangle masculinity and contemplate its role today.

Ask your son: What are the most important attributes to you in defining masculinity? Are there any that are unique to men?

Male Body Positivity

Many young men seek a path to purpose. Male fitness influencers capitalize by offering roadmaps, including curbing porn and alcohol or outworking your malaise.

A focus on strength training goes beyond compensating for the ascendance of women in professional life. For some, it’s a peacemaking between one’s innermost identity and external presentation, especially in our knowledge-driven economy that doesn’t demand brawn. Unsurprisingly, strength training helps prevent depression.

Young men are drawn to watching aggressive sports. But learning to spar would offer more physical and mental benefits than streaming MMA highlights, as it requires staying present, open, and adaptable to circumstances despite discomfort. Learning to bend without breaking, absorb a fall, or decide when to tap out is a physicalized representation of how lost boys can be found.

Ask your son: What is the purpose of a strong body, and how will you know when you’ve attained it?

Overall, parents, clinicians, and educators must begin to see our adrift sons not as defective but as demoralized and on the hunt for purpose. Showing curiosity about these needs doesn’t deny the challenges that girls and women face, doesn’t make you complicit in dominant-based masculinity, and doesn’t deny the dangers of online misogyny. It builds rapport and trust.

Young men reveal in their online behavior that they seek outlets to reconcile the constructive “traditional” notions of masculinity alongside new, expansive versions in relatable, reasonable ways. So begin conversations about these three needs.

After all, they may veer into seedy spaces online to be seen, if those who genuinely love them don’t attempt to see them first.