How Can I Raise My Twins to Get Along?

Parents of twins often call or email me, asking questions about dealing with fighting, separation anxiety, sharing, food fights, and so on. And, truly, parents of twins have challenging children to raise because twins have to share the attention of their parents and other caregivers. Twin sharing creates competition.

Attention From Unknown Onlookers

In addition and in comparison, twin children get a great amount of attention from outsiders who are superficially interested in their identity as twins. Strangers come up to parents on the street, in a store, or in a restaurant asking, “Are they twins?” And more questions follow: “Who is smarter? Who is faster? Who is more outgoing?”

Thankfully, modern parents know that answering these intrusive and inappropriate questions is something to be avoided because outsiders’ questions will increase competition between twins and create a self-consciousness that is detrimental to healthy identity development. While twins do have a special twin identity, attention from strangers is destructive in so many ways to the development of the true self.

Unfortunately, when I was growing up, parents were uninformed about how to raise twins. So there is hope that the identity problems I have seen can be avoided. Briefly, I will describe the evolution of twin parenting to show you where your strengths as a parent lie. What we now know about raising twins contributes to developing a healthy twin attachment, which reduces fighting and resentment. Appropriate parenting will avoid estrangement in twins as they separate from one another.

How Our Understanding of Parenting Twins Has Changed Over Time

From 1945 to 1975, parenting twins to be individuals was ignored.

I have learned from talking with older twins who consult with me about twin estrangement that the idea of a good way to raise your twins was not something that was particularly important to their parents. “Spare the rod and spoil the child” was the most common approach to getting twins to behave. Individual development was not a concern as far as I have seen and heard in my consulting experiences and in own childhood.

Frankly, when my twin sister and I were born after the war, there was no information or insight into how to raise twins. Twins were very rare. My mother’s parenting goals were to keep us quiet and safe from bothersome escapades as our “double-trouble” became dangerous. For example, while mom and dad were asleep, we drank furniture polish. As 3-year-olds, I imagine we were hoping that it was fruit punch. Of course, mom heard us making a racket, saw the open bottle, and called the ambulance. We had to have our stomachs pumped. And we frightened our parents and relatives so much that they were always looking out for further outrageous behavior. That we might need to follow some rules was not a consideration as it would be in today’s world. And, sure, the furniture polish should have been under lock and key.

I know that mothers who I speak with are much more sophisticated about the causes of double-trouble, twin separation anxiety, developing individuality, competition, comparison (compare and contrast), and being fair-minded to their children. Apparently, these ideas or concerns never came into my mother’s mind even though she was a very smart and thoughtful person. There was not a lot of advice for her to follow. When we left the Good Samaritan Hospital where we were born, the nurses suggested to mom to keep on our name bracelets so she could tell us apart. And we did wear our bracelets for a very long time. In fact, later on, mom would often feed one of us twice, and figure out when the other twin was screaming for a bottle that she had made a mistake. This was very funny to extended family members. Today’s parents would be horrified that our mother was not interested in how we were different. Surely, encouraging individuality was based on seeing differences between your children. Twins are no longer rare as they were when I was a child growing up. And knowledge about twinship and raising healthy twins is fortunately growing quickly.

"Yes, They Are Twins"

Both my sister and I and the many other twins who have shared their childhood stories with me were subjected to this stupid question: “Are they twins?” To combat the annoyance, when my older brother took us for a walk in our strollers, he made a bright red-lettered sign that said “Yes, they are twins!!!” I guess he was sick of us getting so much attention, and just tired of ridiculous questions from onlookers. Perhaps his red sign idea was innovative for the 1950s.

Now some parents actually avoid answering questions of onlookers. This approach is a helpful one for everyone involved.

But, really, nobody thought about how to raise us. There was a Mothers of Twins Club, which was basically social and not educational. We were dressed alike and were continually evaluated as to similarities and differences in our looks and behavior. Everyone in the nuclear and extended family was happy when we were good in public. Fighting was acceptable in the privacy of our home. No one was concerned about what made us happy and what created strife. My mother accepted that it was normal for me to worry about my sister as if she were me or we were interchangeable. In turn, my sister was dependent on my judgment and protection. Gradually, Marjorie became the adventurer and critic, and I became the fall guy who was way too sensitive to Marjorie’s and everyone else’s criticism.

Understanding Twins Essential Reads

The Unique Development of Twin Language

How Parental Indifference Affects the Twin Bond

When the kindergarten teacher called home to ask, “Why is Barbara crying because Marjorie spilled paint in her own hair? We are worried about what seems to be an overconcern for her sister’s behavior.” My mother explained that it was “normal” for me to cry when my sister was in trouble. What wasn’t said but was implied was that Barbara was in charge of making sure her twin did not get in trouble. I knew and remember very clearly that when Margie got in trouble it was my fault.

Twin mothers today who want to be “good enough” parents would look down on parents who allowed one twin to be identified as a parental figure and allowed the other twin to be impulsive. Indeed, today’s most respected parenting rule is that the person who causes the problem is the person who is disciplined. Thankfully, parents and educators know more about how to develop a substantial and flexible twin attachment.

In the 1950s, my sister and I were in the same class until middle school. Thinking about our differences was very secondary to keeping us in competition with each other and also pressuring us to be the same. In today's schools, twins are often separated in preschool and kindergarten to make sure that their language development and social skills are encouraged. Allowing twins to select their own friends, clothes, toys, and food is certainly a parental value that is widely respected by parents, teachers, grandparents, and other close friends. Obviously, times have changed for the best. Parents and teachers are on the right road to developing twin trust and healthy attachments and to limiting fighting and competition.

What I Have Learned From Twin Parenting Before 1975

1. First, and my anecdotal/narrative research should be no big surprise to you, parenting twins is challenging and crucial. The quality of parenting will prevent fighting and twin estrangement. Unfortunately, “how to parent twins” is a relatively new aspect of the parenting literature. In addition, there has been a lack of interest or blind spot in how twins get along and how twins separate from one another. In my opinion, there has been pressure on parents of twins and twins themselves to look alike and share and not fight. This pressure has itself created problems for twins who believe that they should get along, but cannot. In my experiences consulting with twins about anger and fighting, pressures for them to be happy together make twins more deeply conflicted about each other and confused.
2. Twins fight. Twins are relieved to know that other twins have difficulty getting along.

Recommendations

Try to understand why twins don't get along and accept that their uncomfortable feelings are normal and healthy. To do this you must understand the following:

1. Twins are not copies of each other and should not be treated as such.
2. Twins are very different even if they may look alike and react similarly.
3. Allowing twins separate experiences to become themselves while alone is crucial to their healthy identity without their twin.
4. Encourage your children to learn to be independent from each other. Twins easily rely on one another, which will create resentment in childhood and the teenage years. Lack of an independent identity creates a serious problem in being able to live separately as an adult.
5. Encouraging and affirming differences between twins is helpful and enlivening for the pair, because this positive feedback promotes not only individuality but also respect.

Conclusions

The idea that twins are always attuned to each other is a dangerous fantasy. Twins fight, and they are jealous of one another. Who is right and who is wrong on any issue, big or small, can be debated for many long and hard hours for those who must listen. When twins agree, it is often a miracle.

A wrinkle in the arguing mentality of twins is introduced when people (parents or friends) take sides. A small problem over who gets to wear the pink polka dot dress to school gains stronger depth and meaning when an outsider voices their opinion.

Never underestimate the depth and meaning of who is right and who is wrong when you encounter twins at work and at play.