Children and Divorce: The 3 Big Questions

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In my work with parents, I've found that three big questions about divorce recur frequently.

1. Should you stay together only for the kids?

By its very nature, a family breakdown is expensive, stressful, and destabilizing. In the first two years, kids whose parents divorce are more likely than others to experience distress, anger, anxiety, and academic problems and to participate in disruptive behaviors, substance use, and other forms of risk-taking.

However, most children whose parents split up are resilient and, after a year or two, exhibit none of these problems. They adapt to the new routines and grow comfortable with the new living arrangements. So, if you're thinking long term, no, it isn't always best for your child if you stay with a partner you're having problems with.

Major long-term studies show that although many children experience short-term problems and setbacks, the vast majority rebound after a year or two. On balance, children of divorce become well-adjusted adults as long as they have at least one loving parent who remains committed to their welfare. Far from suffering inevitable damage from divorce, children can reap long-term benefits from seeing their parents decide in favor of happiness and fulfillment.

Every case is unique, with a complex and individual set of conditions and constraints, so there isn't an easy answer that applies to every family—but in general, if you're wondering about staying together for the kids, don't.

2. How do you tell the kids?

Let your child know what's happening as soon as the decision is final. Children are remarkably perceptive, and secrecy can cause more damage than knowledge. Secrecy leads to imagined worries, most of which are worse than the reality.

Choose a good time to talk as a family. Once you've established a plan for moving forward, find a time when none of the family members are tired, hungry, or rushing away.

Keep the message simple and practical. This is not a time for reasons why or for blame, but rather it should be an information session about as many as possible of the details of each person's life going forward. If you know where you'll be living, talk about that, and who'll take your child to school and pick them up. If you and your spouse can proceed amicably with co-parenting (ideal for your child's development), emphasize that your child will still have two parents who love them and will stay very involved in their life.

For most kids, their biggest fear of divorce is that they'll lose one or both of their parents. As time goes by, be ready to reassure your child as often as necessary that you will continue to love them forever, no matter what, and that you will keep them safe.

Don't burden your child with your anger, worries, or issues with their other parent. Instead, be calm, confident, and reassuring. If there's drama—and there usually is—save it for your friends and therapist.

Do your best to be kind, caring, and respectful with and about the other parent. No matter your problems with them, your child will be happier, healthier, and stronger if they feel they can count on the two of you to work together on their behalf.

Be on the lookout for signs that your child blames themself. Most kids do. Guilt shows itself in many ways, from unusually good behavior and compliance through sullen disengagement all the way to defiant antagonism and negativity. Reassure your child that you and their other parent are splitting up for your own adult reasons, not because of anything your child has done or said.

Some kids have questions right away, and others take longer to process what's happening, so stay alert to the possibility your child might be wondering about something. Answer their questions as they come up and as honestly as possible. Be attentive, compassionate, patient, and as honest as you can. Avoid patronizing your child or dismissing their concerns.

3. After the separation, what's next?

Change is stressful, but it doesn't have to be damaging. A child whose parents are confident, mature, loving, and trustworthy can make it through a separation with better coping skills and strengths. This is a critical time in your child's life, a time to rise to the responsibility of being a parent, no matter your stressors.

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Every situation and every child is unique, and divorce can affect any aspect of a child's life and development. With some kids, their grades plummet; others throw themselves into schoolwork to the exclusion of everything else. Some kids become depressed or angry; others become unusually helpful and cheery. Some kids become antisocial; others become excessively social. Some become mistrustful of close relationships; others become hypersexual. Some children experience eating disorders and sleep problems; others seem to sail through unaffected by their parents' divorce.

As much as possible, maintain the old routines and schedules. Consistent care reassures your child that the world is safe and predictable. Meals, outdoor play, bathtime, and bedtime routines are more important than ever now.

Be patient with your own emotions and your partner's. The more mature you and your ex-partner can be during the process of separation, the better for your child. But remember also that this is a challenging time for most parents, emotionally, physically, and financially.

If you or your partner is angry or upset in your child's company, accept that and apologize to your child, explaining that change is always difficult, even for grownups. Emphasize your confidence you will get through it and that everyone will be OK, as well as your understanding that it won't be easy.

Three good rules for parenting post-divorce:

1. Affirm your own and your child's worries and negative feelings. For example, "Yes. I know this is really tough for you. It's terribly disruptive going back and forth between two homes."
2. Reassure yourself and your child that with time things will settle down, and you'll find a happy new normal.
3. Remind yourself and your child of all that you have to be grateful for.

No matter how your child responds to the changes, remember that "traditional" families have problems, too, and that your parenting behaviors through the disruption and afterward can make a big difference to your child's long-term development. Children who feel loved and supported through the divorce process and whose parents negotiate custody amicably can become more competent than those who don't experience this kind of challenge, change, or disruption.