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Key points
- Chronic complaining can damage friendships, increase mental and physical tension, and decrease energy and creativity.
- Complaining rarely inspires us to action and often reenforces feelings of helplessness.
- Behind every complaint is unresolved frustration or a conflict avoided.
- Break the complaining habit through self-analysis, corrective actions, and redirecting the complaint into a positive outlet.
Who doesn’t love to complain now and then? Sharing complaints with a good friend can be comforting when you're faced with discouraging news, disappointments, or irritations.
But what happens when complaining becomes a way of life?
The difference between complaining and frustration
Frustration can be a fuel for change. It can inspire us to push ourselves creatively or physically. Many people enjoy challenging situations, such as a crossword puzzle or competition in business or sports.
What’s more, frustration drives maturity. For example, every time small children wrestle with frustrations and resolve them on their own, they experience a burst of confidence and emotional growth; they go from walking to running, from standing to climbing, from speaking one word to expressing themselves in sentences. Overcoming frustration feels good and feeds our hunger for more.
The adverse effects of complaining
Unlike frustration, complaining often doesn’t inspire us to action and is frequently rooted in a feeling of hopelessness. We may feel defeated, blame others for our struggles, embrace a position of victimhood, wish for someone to save us, or validate our helplessness.
So, while occasional complaining is harmless, here are three ways ongoing complaining turns toxic. A tendency of complaining will:
- Damage friendships: No one like to be around someone who’s always grumpy. They tend to be a buzzkill, spreading negativity and blame. Friends may not confront your habit of complaining but may find ways to avoid or ghost you.
- Increase mental and physical tension: Unlike challenging and overcoming frustration, complaining doesn't often lead to release or resolution. The negative energy festers inside you. It may trigger rumination, obsessive thinking, and paranoia, which can result in psychic and physical tension or psychosomatic symptoms, such as headaches, backaches, or sleeplessness.
- Decreasing energy and creativity: People who complain often report feeling tired and unmotivated. Chronic complaining undoes ambition and discourages creative solutions.
3 ways to break the complaining habit
Behind every complaint is unresolved frustration, a conflict, or an unresolved work situation. Three ways to break the complaining habit include:
- Self-analysis: Dig deep into the feeling that drives the complaint and uncover the frustration. If you feel clueless, enlist the help of a mental health professional or support group.
- Corrective action: Once a frustration’s identified, it's time to explore creative solutions. Do you confront your boss or friend? Do you open up to others about situations that hurt you? Do you take a class to increase your employment opportunities? Any action to address the core frustration will bring relief and hope back into your life.
- Redirect the impulse to complain into positive action: If you have developed a habit of complaining, it will take a force of will to stop it. That means catching the impulse to complain and redirecting it into a more positive outlet. For example, a woman in one of my therapy groups recently said, “I know when I start complaining, it’s time to go to the gym.” Another group member added, “When I hear myself complaining, I know I’m burnt out and need more self-care.”
So, before you become addicted to complaining, ask yourself what you really want—and go for it!
