Loving For Its Own Sake—"Heaven Can't Be Far From Where We Lie"

Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly. Mae West
Loving you is easy because you're beautiful. Minnie Riperton

Aristotle distinguishes between extrinsically and intrinsically valuable activities. An extrinsically valuable activity is a means to an external goal; its value lies in achieving that goal. This goal-oriented activity is always incomplete: As long as the external goal has not been achieved, the activity is incomplete, and the moment the goal has been achieved, the activity is over. The major criterion for evaluating such activities is efficiency-that is, the ratio of benefits to costs. Time is one of the resources we try to save when engaging in extrinsically valuable activities. Examples of such activities are building a house, paying bills, cleaning the house, and attending job interviews. We do not value these activities in themselves-in fact, we may even resent performing them, as they are painful and costly. We still engage in such activities when the external goal is perceived to be beneficial. In an intrinsically valuable activity, our interest is focused upon the activity itself, not its results. Although such an activity entails results, it is not performed in order to achieve them. Accordingly, we do not try to finish this activity as quickly as possible. Listening to music is an example of an intrinsically valuable activity: we listen to music because we value doing so and not because of a certain external goal. Most human activities have both intrinsic and extrinsic value. The factors underlying each type of value often conflict (specifically, with regard to how long activities should continue or how many resources should be invested in them).

In the Nurturing Approach, which emphasizes the lover's self-worth and autonomy, the lover's intrinsically valuable activities are crucial. Intrinsically valuable activities involve optimal functioning, using and developing an agent's essential capacities and potential in a systematic manner; the activities are essential for the agent to flourish-they cannot be done by someone else or for someone else. In the Nurturing Approach, the value of love is not determined by its practical value as a means to achieve ends that are external to the relationship. "Loving," as a means to satisfy one's sexual desire or to become rich, is a partial and transient activity: The moment the end is achieved, or a better means is found, this "love" disappears. In the Nurturing Approach, romantic love is an intrinsically valuable activity done for its own sake and not for the sake of external ends. In this sense, loving activities are like a continuous journey within an exciting landscape in which we encounter a never-ending series of pleasant and interesting experiences.

A sexual activity can be an extrinsically or an intrinsically valuable activity. Sex is an extrinsically valuable activity when the other is used as a means to satisfy one's sexual desire or to gain wealth, status, or attention; in such cases, sex is usually efficient and brief and the moment the end is achieved, the partner is no longer of any value. This is the mindset behind the popular television show Sex and the City; this time, however, the women do the seducing, not the men. The female protagonists routinely find themselves longing for the next sexual thrill. When sex is an intrinsically valuable activity, it does not have to be efficient and save time.

In addition to profound intrinsically valuable activities, there are also superficial intrinsically valuable activities, such as watching television, sex, going to a movie, or having dinner, in which for a brief period of time people enjoy the activity for its own sake, even though such activities may not contribute much to the development and flourishing of the agent's capacities. Superficial pleasure is an immediately rewarding, relatively short-lived experience requiring few or no profound human capacities; such pleasure merely sustains the individual's interest and joy, but does not profoundly satisfy it for the long-run. This is the difference between a fleeting pleasure and a lasting treasure.

In light of the above considerations, we may say that if intense love is to continue over a considerable length of time, it should involve profound intrinsically valuable activities that are available for each person and some that are common to both. Such activities require normative boundaries expressing the valued way a particular person wants to live in order to flourish over a long time. The satisfaction here is not transient, as it involves the optimal development and function of the individual. When activities are perceived as intrinsically valuable, they entail seeking the good of the beloved for her own sake, while at the same time being profoundly satisfying for the lover. Profound love does not stem from subordinating one's activities to those of the beloved, but from considering the activities for and with the beloved as compatible with one's own intrinsically valuable activities. In this case there is much less need "to work" on the loving relationship, as such "work" will no longer be considered work, but will rather constitute a profound pleasurable and satisfying activity. The choice of such activities cannot be arbitrary, as it must be of benefit to and compatible with the agent's flourishing.

Increasing the ratio of intrinsically valuable activities to externally valuable activities is of crucial importance in establishing and maintaining profoundly satisfying loving relationships. Love involves doing things for the beloved that are not profoundly satisfying for the lover. Performing these goal-oriented chores without being resentful is one sign of the profoundness of love. Another important measure of such profoundness is the extent to which lovers share intrinsically valuable activities, such as walking together, dancing together, speaking with each other, or doing other activities together. The enjoyable and valuable nature of such activities provides the circumstances that are suitable for generating profound happiness. Another related significant measure of the depth of love is the scope of activities that become intrinsically valuable only in relation to the beloved. In such circumstances, the beloved becomes an intrinsic element of the lover's own identity. Take, for example, the common enough scenario in which two lovers go to a movie that proves to be not very good, yet the lovers nevertheless greatly enjoy being together at the movie.

This kind of common, intrinsically valuable activity is clearly illustrated in the way Lynn describes the change she experienced after being with her new lover:
For a long time my attitude toward foreplay (including oral sex) was that "this is a good thing to do" or "he likes this so I want to do it" or "how long do I have to do this for?" etc., etc. At that time, it felt like a chore. Now, after meeting this wonderful man I can hardly wait to do it; it has become such a turn-on for me. So it is actually part of "my own" foreplay. I want to do it for me! Yet the "me" can't be totally separate from the other. The foreplay now doesn't belong to him or to me- it belongs to the space between us- as it brings both of us pleasure simultaneously. (cited in In Name of Love)

Profound love and profound happiness cannot be achieved by doing nothing or by merely engaging in extrinsically valuable activities. Love and happiness cannot be achieved by only repeating pleasant experiences. An enjoyable event is often progressively less enjoyable with repetition. Love and happiness are not isolated achievements; rather they are an ongoing, dynamic process. Attaining a specific goal may make us feel momentarily pleased, but it is insufficient for profound long-term love and happiness. Profound happiness is typically associated with optimal functioning, using and developing the agent's essential capacities and attitudes in a systematic manner over a sustained period of time. Profound love and happiness are to be found in relationships and activities that we value for their own sake.