What Are the Antidotes to Self-Criticism?

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Do you ever find yourself reflecting on your life, replaying mistakes, and scrutinizing your flaws? Perhaps you question your past choices, such as selecting an unsuitable partner and not leaving them earlier. Maybe you criticize yourself for allowing outer influences to shape your life path, feeling like you have fallen short of staying true to yourself. Your inner dialogue echoes questions like "How could you be so stupid?" or definite statements like "You have wasted your life."

This inner critic especially emerges in moments of vulnerability, delivering hindsight advice in a 'told you so' manner. "You saw the red flags but decided to ignore them," or "You should have known which direction in life to take." It employs shame, blame, and contempt, emphasizing missed opportunities or errors in judgment, fostering a sense of self-disappointment, robbing our joy, and leaving us hopeless and stuck.

Even when we attempt to shift to positive self-talk, moments later, while passing by a glass window and catching a glimpse of our reflection, we catch ourselves thinking, "No wonder nothing is working for you; you're just fat, old, and miserable." When positive self-talk doesn't genuinely resonate within, we struggle to believe these affirmations.

Changing negative self-talk can be challenging because self-criticism is a deeply ingrained pattern, and forcing positive self-talk may lead to another cycle of self-criticism, as individuals may chastise themselves for their inability to shift the inner dialogue. Self-criticism develops through earlier life experiences, such as repeated or severe criticism or bullying, which is internalized and can be triggered by various situations later in life. Initially, self-criticism served a protective function, shielding from experiencing the full brunt of emotional pain and helping to cope in situations where individuals felt powerless.

Just as a filter screens out certain elements, self-criticism screens out or distorts individuals from connecting with their underlying emotions, preventing them from working properly with their underlying shame. Rather than allowing for genuine self-reflection, self-criticism creates a distance by suppressing emotions, distorting perceptions, and numbing sensations.

Antidotes

Change begins when individuals face their shame rather than avoid it. By bringing their shame into the light, it can be transformed by evoking previously untapped protective anger, sadness, and self-compassion. Self-critical individuals tend to be disconnected from these emotions. Instead, they believe in toughening up and moving on from challenges. However, through processing their painful emotional experiences, their self-compassion and protective anger emerge. When tapping into these emotions, the individual becomes more aligned with their essential needs, and their feelings of worthlessness and inferiority dissipate, developing a stronger sense of self.

Processing the Hurt

Self-criticism stems from painful past experiences. When one confronts the hurt linked to criticism, humiliation, or abandonment, they grieve these experiences. Through the grieving process, they gradually heal their emotional wounds.

Grief and hurt, components of adaptive sadness, are healthy responses to adversity or loss. Unlike self-pity, whining, or the state of helplessness and hopelessness—often associated with sadness in popular understanding, adaptive sadness is a natural reaction to life's challenges. This type of sadness is reminiscent of experiences where individuals acknowledge what they have lost or never had, and what they long for: feeling regret over spending years with an unsuitable partner, living a life dictated by external influences while neglecting personal desires and needs, feeling sad upon realizing past neglect and abuse, and perpetuating the past by treating oneself with harsh self-criticism.

Instead of negatively evaluating themselves and feeling ashamed, experiencing this sadness allows individuals to process and derive new meaning from their experiences. It involves "letting go," acknowledging the impact of emotional wounds, and recognizing them as personal losses. Ultimately, this process facilitates self-compassion and self-protection.

Self-Compassion

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Self-compassion is best understood as compassion directed inward, especially during moments of suffering. It involves treating oneself with tenderness, kindness, and care, and cultivating understanding, self-forgiveness, and acceptance of oneself as an imperfect human. Embracing self-compassion doesn't mean that life will be devoid of eventual failures or emotional pain; instead, it allows facing challenges more effectively. It recognizes that despite imperfections, we possess positive qualities and resources, and enables tolerating emotional distress without numbing or distracting ourselves. This gentle approach motivates us to take action to alleviate our suffering and attend to the wounded parts within.

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A self-compassionate voice conveys understanding toward our painful experiences, such as “I understand that you were trying to find somebody that loved you,” “You stayed because you hoped things would get better,” and “I messed up because I didn't know any better back then.” Self-compassion embodies "I am worthy of love and understanding, even when I struggle and make mistakes." This compassionate stance is the opposite of brutal self-criticism, effectively enhancing our emotional balance. Research suggests that embracing protective anger is another element in alleviating self-criticism.

Protective Anger

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Self-critical individuals often find their sense of worth and confidence eroded by their inner critic, making it difficult to advocate for themselves. Therefore, self-critical individuals must learn to be assertive with their critics.

Protective anger arises as a natural response to being wronged, injured, or humiliated. In such instances, it motivates individuals to confront mistreatment, whether real or internalized. Unlike rejecting anger, which manifests as rage, hate, resentment, and frustration, and shifts blame onto others, protective anger empowers individuals to assert their rights and needs, set boundaries, give negative feedback to their inner critic, and affirm their right to imperfection and self-care.

The self-protective voice, when confronting the inner critic, sounds like "I am angry at you for constantly sabotaging me," "I am tired of your nonsense," and "I do not need to have everything figured out." Similar to self-compassion, protective anger involves reasonable and justifiable statements, acknowledging common humanity, one's limitations, and strengths. Self-protection embodies "I am only human; I deserve acceptance and respect." Expression of protective anger is characterized as energetic, strong, empowered, and firm, and feels expansive in the body.

As individuals connect with their protective anger, they tap into their agency and strength. They begin to recognize that they deserve better treatment and feel more worthy and entitled to their needs.

How to Tap Into These Antidotes?

Diverse practices are available for cultivating self-compassion and self-protection. These include engaging in guided self-compassionate imagery, writing compassionate letters to oneself, recalling moments of compassion, maintaining a daily practice of self-appreciation, and envisioning oneself as confident and resilient.

In my subjective experience, merely engaging in self-compassion and self-protection practices didn't reduce my self-criticism. It felt like I was pressuring myself to do them without truly feeling compassion or protection towards myself. Instead, secure and validating therapeutic relationships, complemented by self-compassion and self-protection practices, have facilitated the shift from a negative self-perception to a more positive one.

Transforming self-criticism independently presents challenges because of internal obstacles, distractions, or overlooking certain aspects. For example, confronting feelings of shame can be incredibly challenging without the compassionate presence of someone who meets us in our state of shame. In a secure therapeutic relationship, accessing shame naturally brings forth emotions like sadness and anger, which serve as potent antidotes to its harmful effects. Consequently, engaging in therapy is a powerful way to diminish self-criticism and foster self-compassion and self-protection, facilitating access to these emotions as resources for healing our emotional wounds.

To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.