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Loneliness
Breaking Bad: How to Break Up with the Habit of Isolation
A remedy for social isolation.
Updated January 24, 2024 Reviewed by Lybi Ma
Key points
- Even though self-isolation may feel safe and comfortable, it is important to connect with others.
- Healthy relationships with others are a strong predictor of long-term health and well-being.
- The key to success is setting an intention and having compassion for yourself as you reengage with the world.
We all need a little downtime, me time, time to unwind and repair from the wear and tear of the day. But if you, like many people, are finding yourself repeating a pattern of declining invitations, dreading looming social plans, or feeling relieved when planned get-togethers fall apart, it might be time to take steps to break the cycle of avoidance and safety behaviors that are keeping you stuck, isolated, and alone.
We are social animals, hard-wired to connect with others. We thrive through our relationships with others, and a robust social network is a strong predictor of long-term health; in the absence of such connections, we suffer short- and long-term consequences, both physical and mental.
What’s the problem?
Though it may feel safe, social isolation is not good for us. What exactly is the problem? Plenty, according to Tyler J. VanderWeele, Ph.D., of the Harvard T.H. Chan School of Public Health and also a Psychology Today contributor. He has noted that loneliness, for decades, has increased, and social engagement has decreased.
Furthermore, during an announcement of the establishment of a commission to foster greater social connections globally, World Health Organization Director-General Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus highlighted the need for creating strong social connections: “High rates of social isolation and loneliness around the world have serious consequences for health and well-being. People without enough strong social connections are at higher risk of stroke, anxiety, dementia, depression, suicide, and more.”
Why we isolate
Even though it is not in our best interest, we isolate, and we do so for many reasons. Many of us who reside in the northern hemisphere, for example, isolate ourselves during the winter months due to seasonal affective disorder, when we would greatly benefit from getting outdoors and connecting with others during scarce daylight hours.
We often isolate when we are struggling with depression or anxiety. We may isolate in the aftermath of a relationship breakdown, or when we are struggling with feelings of low self-esteem or self-worth. Many of us who fell into patterns of self-isolation during COVID lockdowns, have lost confidence in our social skills, and have fallen out of touch with many people in our once active social life.
A habit worth breaking
If you find yourself filled with dread at the prospect of even the most casual get-together with a friend or family member, routinely cancel plans to get together at the last minute, feel a sense of relief when a planned dinner, outing, or activity is canceled and or justify ignoring calls and texts from family and friends because you feel tired or overwhelmed, you may be entrenched in a habit worth breaking.
As with any habit worth breaking, the key is to replace maladaptive choices with healthier ones.
Seven Steps to Breaking Up with Being Alone
Acknowledge that you have a habit you want to break: As with breaking any bad habit, the first step is awareness. Think about how long it has been since you have connected with the people in your life who matter to you.
Have compassion for yourself as you plan your re-entry: Realize that course correcting habitual self-isolation may be a challenge. Take stock of any negative thoughts and self-limiting beliefs you may be harboring about yourself. Set incremental goals and stick to them.
Get back out into the world: Ease yourself out of the house and back into the world. Take a walk in a park, or sit in a café and watch the world go by. Feel the positive impact of simply being in the presence of other people.
Start small: Especially if your confidence is low, make a plan you feel comfortable with to meet a friend for coffee, or a walk, something you feel at ease doing. Set an intention to create a positive memory, and resist the urge to cancel at the last minute.
Get proactive: If you’ve been isolated for so long that friends and family members have stopped reaching out to you, do not take their loss of effort personally. Instead, make a real effort to be the one who reaches out.
Connect with like-minded people: If you find that you no longer align with old friends, make new ones. Sign up for a class. Purchase a membership to an art gallery or museum. Join a walking group or a gym. Volunteer for a cause you believe in. Engaging in an activity with like-minded people is a great way to make meaningful new connections.
If you are struggling with unmanageable anxiety or depression, seek help: A family doctor can connect you with the support you need to help manage your symptoms and learn sound skills and strategies that support healing and growth.
