Tackling the Tough Topics

Did you know that teenagers are more likely to lose their virginity at very specific times of the year? What, pray tell, are those times, you ask? Well, let’s just say that one of those times is coming up in a matter of just ten days. Various research findings indicate that teens are more likely to initiate sexual activity during early summer and over the Christmas Holidays. More specifically, December (the holiday season) is peak time for teens to engage in sex for the first time, especially when they are involved in a serious relationship. Conversely, the months of May, June, and July are common, regardless of whether teens are romantically involved with another person or not. Ok, but why? Let’s think about this.

During the summer months, it is hot, young people are at the beach, pool, etc., wearing considerably less clothing, and events like prom and graduation are happening, followed by kids going off to college at the end of the summer. More salient to us now, during the month of December, couples are swept up by the sentimentality and romanticism that surrounds the holiday season. In addition, they are both giving and receiving meaningful gifts and gestures. So, interestingly, the timing of first sexual activities can have some predictability—you have now been armed with that knowledge, and may do with it what you will. My suggestion: Talk to your kid.

Having conversations with your child about body parts, puberty, and most horrifying of all…sex, is without a doubt of the most difficult and complicated duties that we parents have to tackle as our children inevitably grow to physical maturity. Not only is it challenging, it can also be scary, embarrassing, awkward, and uncomfortable for all parties involved. Perhaps we should see it as a journey. A journey that involves your child becoming a fully mature man or woman; a journey on which you and your child both realize that biological reproduction is now possible; and one during which you must begin to come to grips with the fact that she not only looks older and wants to be treated as older, but that others (namely those of the opposite sex) are now noticing that she looks older . . . and hotter. This is when moms want to hug their babies and lock them up in their rooms until they’re thirty, and dads reach for their shotguns. But, as you know, the significant journeys that happen in our lives don’t typically happen in one day. Similarly, communicating with your child about topics such as sexuality and reproduction, ejaculation and menstruation takes multiple conversations and significant time, effort, and patience on your part. Sometimes a topic is thrust upon you (no pun intended!) and you have no choice but to tackle it, ready or not. For example, one day my daughter came home from elementary school, and when I asked how her day was, she responded, “Mom, what is a blow job?” What the?!? Thankfully, she was too young to decipher the look of horror on my face. She proceeded to explain to me using her sweet little fourth grade vernacular that she had heard a bunch of boys in her class saying this word and snickering, and she simply wanted to know what it meant. So, I told her. Honestly. Using the fourth grade vernacular referenced above, of course.

Sadly, all too often parents are either unable or unwilling to take this eye-opening journey with their children. Many times, parents assume (or hope) that teachers at school will cover these important yet terrifying topics at school, but guess what? Teachers don’t want to touch these topics with a 10-foot pool either. The result is usually minimal communication between parents and their teens regarding puberty, relationships, sexuality, and reproduction. And, despite what we would like to think, the reality is that most adolescents today are either ignorant (I mean this in the truest sense of the word) or misinformed about pubertal maturation and reproduction. Teens today tend to get most of their information about pubertal maturation and sexuality (the little information they have) from either friends or the Internet, and no matter how smart these friends are, and despite the vast treasure trove of data on the web, these sources are not always accurate or reliable. This is a real problem. Here is the good news: today we live in a world where we have an abundance of information literally at our fingertips. There are tons of accurate and reliable books, websites, and other resources to help us find out the information we need to help us communicate with our teens. I’d like to help get you started on your quest to become informed and motivated to talk to your teen about these tough topics by providing some facts that all parents should know. We’ll call these the nitty-gritty, the 411, the scoopage of pubertal development and sexuality that you can now carry around with you in your communication toolbox.

• The average age for adolescents to start puberty in the United States still hovers around twelve years. However, puberty is occurring earlier for both girls and boys for various reasons.
• Girls start the pubertal process about two years earlier than boys do.
• One of the first signs of puberty is the adolescent growth spurt, where teens reach peak height velocity, followed by the development of the primary sex characteristics (gonads—testes and ovaries) and secondary sex characteristics (breasts and facial and body hair).
• Pubertal onset can begin as early as seven in girls and nine and a half in boys and as late as thirteen in girls and thirteen and a half in boys, and the time between the first sign of puberty and complete physical maturation can be as short as one and a half years or as long as six years.
• There are some differences in pubertal onset between ethnic groups: in the U.S., black teens begin puberty earliest, followed by Latino teens, followed by white teens, probably due to ethnic differences in income and/or weight, but possibly also due to exposure to chemicals that stimulate earlier puberty. Early maturation (before the age of 12) can bring social advantages (attention from prospective partners, popularity, proficiency in certain sports), but “early maturers” are also at risk for various issues such as more drug and alcohol use, delinquency, and early sexual activity.
• Some factors implicated in early pubertal maturation (especially in girls) include:
  • growing up in less cohesive families with more conflict;
  • growing up in households with no natural father, instead having a stepfather or other male not biologically related present (pheromones);
  • stress (small amounts of stress can speed up the pubertal process and a great deal of stress can slow it down).
• Once puberty has occurred, sexual intercourse can lead to pregnancy. Physically mature male and female adolescents are more likely to be involved in romantic activities with the opposite sex than less mature peers.
• Body fat composition can affect pubertal onset: obesity has been linked to early pubertal maturation, whereas extremely low body weight and/or excessive exercise can slow or even halt the pubertal process (for example, in ballet dancers, gymnasts, people with anorexia nervosa).
• Nocturnal emissions (aka, wet dreams) are a type of spontaneous orgasm involving either ejaculation during sleep for a male or lubrication of the vagina for a female. They are most common during the early pubertal stages, but can continue past adolescence.
• Masturbation (yes, the dreaded "M" word) is completely normal and can actually be a healthy way by which young people can get to know their own bodies. Unlike what many think, men and boys do not corner the market on masturbation. Both males and females of all ages masturbate—we just don’t talk about it!
• Most boys have experienced orgasm via masturbation before they have sex with another person. The data is less clear for girls. There is a typical developmental progression of sexual behaviors that both boys feeling breasts under clothes, feeling a penis through clothes, feeling a penis under clothes or while naked, feeling a vagina through clothes, feeling a vagina under clothes or while naked, and intercourse or oral sex.
• There are many forms of birth control available, but the only way to protect against both pregnancy and any sexually transmitted infection is by using a protective barrier (condoms) or to remain completely abstinent.”

Here is the bottom line, parents. Our babies are inevitably going to go through puberty, and they will become interested in sex. This is an undeniably beautiful and scary fact that we must accept. And we all know that if teens really want to find something out, they will turn to friends or the web to get answers, and often the “knowledge” they acquire from these sources is not exactly accurate or reliable. Why would they not turn to their parents, the people who presumably know a thing or two about the topics, given their lifelong experiences? After all, their parents have invested heart, soul, and finances into them their whole lives.

Teens turn to other sources for information because, despite their parents’ status as well-informed, intelligent, and experienced adults, the thought of having these types of conversations with their mother evokes in teens both emotional distress and physical disgust. My own daughter’s response to me bringing up these topics: “Ewww, mom!” My son’s response: “Mom, please don’t . . . not again.” Mind you, I’ve been getting these responses from my children even though I’ve been discussing these topics with them since they were young. But we should not let our kids’ teen angst about tough talks with mom or dad deter us, for we are fierce warriors who do not back down from a challenge. And this, my friends, is the key: talk to your children. Talk to them early and talk to them often. It may be insanely awkward for all parties involved, but you’ll be glad you did!

More information on Love, Sex, Dating, and many other important topics related to Parenting Teens can be found in my book "The Angst of Adolescence: How to Parent Your Teen and Live to Laugh About It" published by Bibliomotion, Inc.Copyright © 2015 by Sara Villanueva