A Way to Explain Controlling Relationships

In intimate relationships, what feels like love to one person can be, in reality, a series of steps into being controlled by a partner. Coercive control is now illegal in the U.K. and emphasizes behavior subjugation.

However, the concept, as put forward by sociologist Evan Stark, does not acknowledge psychological abuse; instead, it focuses on gender-related behavior abuse. In contrast, gaslighting is a term identifying techniques used by a controller to make a target feel crazy, stupid, or weak. Abuse takes place in both constructs. The techniques used to exert control in an intimate relationship are similar to the manipulation experienced in a high-control cultic group.

I believe that “undue influence” or “mind control” best describes one-on-one abuse. Unlike a cult-group situation, a controlling person takes over one person rather than many people. The people exerting control typically lack the capacity for empathy but convincingly act like they are “in love.” The target is love-bombed and made to feel that they have met their soulmate or "twin flame." The predator overwhelms the person with attention, flattery, and even expensive gifts and promises of an incredible new life together. Although this form of manipulation is as old as humanity itself, in the modern era, dating apps and smartphones have become tools for predators, allowing them a wide selection of targets and easier access to them.

An example of a destructive, controlling relationship can be found in the experiences of former restaurateur and entrepreneur Sarma Melngailis, the subject of the Netflix docuseries Bad Vegan. Once lauded as a visionary in her field, Melngailis fell prey to a manipulative conman she met online. He fed her a carefully curated narrative of lies designed to appeal to her and love-bombed her with validation, seeming to understand her like no one else.

The predator inveigled his way into her personal and professional life, taking control of her mind and finances until she lost her beloved business and was prosecuted alongside him for defrauding investors and employees. This stark reality serves as a reminder that even the most accomplished individuals can fall prey to the manipulative traps of coercive relationships. 

I developed a model to understand cult mind control, or brainwashing, called the BITE model—emphasizing control of a person’s Behavior, Information, Thoughts, and Emotions. It is also remarkably effective in revealing the dynamics of control in intimate relationships, revealing how a partner can enforce dependence and obedience.

Beyond an abuser controlling their partner’s behavior, they can control information through lies, triangulation, and isolation while controlling thoughts through new beliefs and loaded language. Emotional control can be gained from the “special” feelings brought about by any romantic relationship but also through the use of guilt and fear. Phobias can be installed easily through the intimate nature of a relationship: The familiar “You’ll never find someone who can love you like I do” is a classic example.

Application of the BITE model to personal relationships highlights the often-unseen but deeply felt mechanisms of domestic abuse that operate away from public scrutiny. One element of thought control identified in the BITE model is the manipulation of emotional states through the use of hypnosis.

Hypnosis conducted by a trained mental health professional can be an extremely helpful technique. At the minimum, there are credentialing criteria, written ethical codes, and complaint boards to minimize harm. When it comes to doing hypnotherapy, I also recommend recording every session.

However, there are many people promoting themselves as master hypnotists who use unethical techniques to harm people. Cult leaders and other predators sometimes use confusion and hypnotic techniques to rape and exploit people.

The best protection from abusers and predators is to educate yourself about their methods and techniques and create “trust pods” of real-life friends and relatives—people who have values and integrity. Make a pact to protect each other and to be contrarian to anything or anyone “new.’

A person or group that is legitimate will stand up to scrutiny. Good people are honest and transparent. You can ask to speak with and meet their family and childhood friends. Any new group or “friendship” should be investigated and questioned with skepticism. The burden of proof that they are legitimate should be on them.

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Be on your guard about anything or anyone online. Deep fakes get more and more sophisticated. AI, using our personal online data collected, can be used to influence your consciousness,. An abusive partner can use that data to manipulate and control you. The high feelings of being in love can be used to keep you tied to an abuser.

If you are involved with someone or know someone you believe is being controlled, there are things you can do. Educate yourself about techniques of mind control, take action to get back into the person's life, help empower them with genuine love, and engage in reality testing. The rest of us are well-advised to also understand techniques of mind control.