If You Need a Relationship Boost, Try This Simple Exercise

Andrea Piacquadio / Pexels

Humans have some unfortunate tendencies—we are threat vigilant, which means we tend to focus more on what is wrong in our lives rather than what is right. We also experience hedonic adaptation, which means we tend to habituate to the good things in our lives and stop noticing them. It’s not surprising, then, that we can often stop noticing the good things in our relationships.

This, of course, is not to say that we never think about the good things. But if you reflect back on the last thoughts you had about the people close to you, how many of those thoughts were tinged with annoyance or irritation at something they did that bothered you? How much were you thinking about something that is wrong in your relationship or some other complaint?

On the other hand, how many thoughts were tinged with gratitude or love for something they did that you appreciated, something that is good about your relationship, or some other complimentary thought? If you are like many of us, your thoughts tend towards complaints more often than compliments.

Where to Focus Your Attention

But we can choose where we focus our attention. If you make an active effort to focus on the good, you might start seeing things you have stopped paying attention to—the ways that the people in your life add value, rather than frustrate you.

You might think you already are pretty good at focusing on the good and appreciating the people in your life, but I still urge you to give it a try. As someone who researches gratitude, I tend to think of myself as a grateful person.

But when I make a conscious effort to focus on the good, I am always surprised by how much it leads to a shift in my perspective. I also am reminded that even though I think of myself as being grateful, in my daily life I still focus more on what is wrong than what is right.

So, try an experiment this weekend: Make an effort to shift your focus and see what is good in your relationships with your romantic partner, friends, and family. Keep an eye out for all of the ways they are doing something right. When you start to feel annoyed or complain about your partner, your kid, or your parent, try to think instead about something you appreciate about them. This isn't to say you should ignore valid complaints, just try not to ignore valid compliments.

And then, try to notice how often you shift back to focusing on what is wrong. And next weekend, take a moment to think back on your week—what were you focused on? Did focusing on the good make a difference? Were you able to keep it up or did your focus shift when you were busy, tired, hungry, or stressed? Are there times of day when it is easier than others?

More posts on boosting relationships:

• Want a Relationship Boost? Look for the Absence of Conflict
• Five Relationship Boosts You Can Try Today
• Make Your Partner Feel Loved Tonight With A Few Simple Words

Other relevant posts:

• 3 Human Tendencies That Make It Hard to Appreciate the Good and How to Combat Them
• Why We Stop Appreciating the Good Things in Our Lives
• Be Careful What You Focus On