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Key points
- Evidence shows that behaviors associated with competition and the attainment of social status are on the rise.
- Constantly raising our bar of expectations has led to a rise in perfectionism.
- Feelings of guilt can prevent us from taking a break and practicing self-care.
As a psychiatrist, I have worked with people from all walks of life who are overtaxed and long for a break from their work responsibilities. Yet, when they are finally afforded an opportunity to rest, they cannot detach from their work email and constantly talk about work.
What is going on? Why has taking a break from work become a chore in itself?
Motivation theory, which studies what drives a person towards a particular course of action, can help us understand this paradox. According to psychologist David McClelland, the need to achieve is one of three motives that drives human behavior. It arises out of a need to feel competent as we compete against a task, ourselves, and those around us.
Those with a high need to achieve are not satisfied with the status quo. They constantly keep score as they seek feedback on their performance. With a relentless drive to improve, they closely monitor their progress towards their goals.
The problem is that our need to achieve has become excessive. Evidence shows that behaviors associated with competition and the attainment of social status are on the rise. A report from the Pew Research Center shows that 81 percent of Americans born in the 1980s identified getting materially rich as amongst their most important life goals. This figure is almost 20 percent higher than those born in the 1960s and 1970s.
This trend does not appear to be changing based on how much parents are willing to spend on their children. The U.S youth-sports economy has ballooned into a $15.3 billion industry, a 55 percent increase since 2010. This statistic should not be surprising, as parents often tie their self-worth to their children’s athletic and academic performance.
Cutting back on our need to achieve is a hard ask. We have been conditioned to associate our self-worth with our level of success and productivity. During our school years, we are praised for being the straight-A student and the star on the soccer team.
This pattern only continues throughout adulthood as we compete against one another for admission into prestigious colleges and graduate schools. Opportunities for career advancement pit us against each other. In an effort to stand out, some people accumulate so many degrees that a random array of letters, like an alphabet soup, follows their name.
Constantly raising the bar of expectations has led to a rise in perfectionism. A meta-analysis of more than 41,000 college students between 1989 to 2016 shows that perfectionism is on the rise. Western society may view perfectionism as a badge of honor. The truth is that perfectionism is a brutal way to live life. Characterized by an “all or nothing” mode of thinking, perfectionism is associated with depression and anxiety.
Perfectionism is not a monopoly of high-income professionals, high-performing athletes, or straight-A college students. I often find perfectionism lurking in unexpected settings. It may be the stay-at-home parent who is obsessing over a brown patch of grass on their lawn or corrects family members for not folding laundry the right way.
If you are running endlessly on the hamster wheel of success, don’t despair. Here are three steps to recalibrate your need to achieve.
The first step is to accept that your self-worth is not measured by worldly measures of success such as wealth or professional titles.
I often share the following personal example to illustrate the point. My father is a cook. My mother is a cashier at a grocery store. Money was tight growing up. With their love and support, I have become a physician, which affords me a more comfortable lifestyle. However, am I a more worthy human being because I have achieved a greater level of wealth or professional status compared to my parents?
The answer is an emphatic NO! This is because your self-worth is not determined by arbitrary social metrics such as fame, professional status, or fortune. Your self-worth is an innate, inherent, and essential part of your humanity.
You are worthy because you are human.
Period.
The second step is to pick the correct metrics to measure success. If you only measure success based on your professional achievements, but neglect your performance as a parent, spouse, or human being then you are using too narrow of a definition.
Some metrics I choose to define success are whether I made my children smile by playing with them or whether my wife felt understood when I listened to her. I also ask myself whether I completed one kind deed for the day or maintained my composure when my children request water for the millionth time to delay bedtime.
These small acts of kindness and patience may not end up on a professional resume. Yet, they make a world of a difference.
The third step is to work on slowing down. This step can be difficult when it triggers feelings of guilt.
Guilt arises from the difference between your actions and expectations. It is the feeling that you are doing something wrong by taking a break. There are only two ways to reduce guilt. You can run harder on the hamster wheel or give yourself permission to take a break.
A good barometer to determine whether your guilt is warranted is to ask yourself what would you tell a loved one in the same scenario. Would you tell them to work harder or give them permission to catch their breath?
If you can respond to them with compassion and give them permission to slow down, then why not treat yourself in the same way? Why the double standard?
By slowing down and being more present, you are modeling this behavior for loved ones. You are teaching them how to practice self-care while they pursue their individual goals.
Being achievement-oriented can come with many benefits. The key is to maintain a balance between your individual aspirations, interpersonal relationships, and wellbeing. Using broader metrics to measure success, detaching your self-worth from your professional endeavors and challenging feelings of guilt can protect you from the potential pitfalls of success.
