Our Biggest Relationship Sin

Not long ago, cancer robbed me of a very good, if not an ideal, friend. Throughout the 35-plus years of our friendship, I basked in the self-affirming contentment of our intellectual affinities, “our cerebral brotherhood," which I must have thought would never end. In the open-armed, warm, accepting glow of Michael's company, I could blurt out anything—completely off-the-cuff—and with no further ado, pretext, or explanation. Michael and I would immediately find ourselves reveling in a mental symphony composed of the harmony of our shared thinking, no matter the nature of the subject matter or its importance. For me, every time we got together, our comradery guaranteed a profoundly enriching and mutually affirming experience.

Sorrowfully Taken for Granted

But upon the devastating crush of his loss, I was clobbered with the self-critical realization that I’d taken our friendship for granted. Not only did I feel the heart-breaking loss of his friendship with its crowning jewel, our uncanny like-mindedness, but his death brought the full weight of the personal meaning of our now irretrievable friendship into a sharp, head-jolting conspicuousness.

It was an abrupt, remorseful awakening in which I was hard hit by what I’d failed to express to him my utter gratitude for what we’d shared. The strong, durable intellectual connective tissue that had fused us together on so many levels and for so many years. But I’d taken it all for granted. In deep repentant self-reflection, I wondered: If I could design an ideal friend, this amazing quality of like-mindedness would be a high-ranking, if not the highest-ranking, element of that design.

Perhaps our greatest relationship sin is taking one another for granted. But why are we prone to do this? And what other problematic "spin-offs" might have their nascence in this “original sin?”

An Easy Rut to Fall Into

Most of us prefer to swim the calm and predictably warm waters of a stable, close relationship rather than the choppy, cold, and turbulent waters of an unstable one. But the securing, reassuring perks of the former don’t come without their attending costs or responsibilities.

Right out of the gate, from the very start of our relationships, we are easily lulled into a wish-based, comfort-filled expectation of a positively leaning and happily stable relationship, one bestowed with the promise of continued smooth sailing ahead. Specifically, we expect an ongoing back-and-forth exchange of mutually respectful considerations and balanced reciprocity of polite give and take achieved with a relatively unlabored, uninterrupted flow of never-ending self-and-other-mindedness. These understandable, commonplace hopes and expectations are the bread-and-butter of relationship affection, understanding, and mutual respect.

“He Loves Me, Doesn’t He?”

Often in my couple therapy sessions, where front and center issues entail conflicts over who does what around the house and how fair and equitable the division of labor may or may not be, I frequently hear these types of grievances:

“Why should I have to ask him to do things? Shouldn’t he just know? He says he loves me, and I certainly don’t have to be asked.”

Or I’ll hear, “I’m expected to sacrifice myself all day at work, and for what? There’s never a thank you; it’s not even acknowledged, just expected.” (Please forgive the gender stereotypes.)

These complaints are teeming with the all-to-common relational “sin” of partners taking each other for granted. However, left chronically unaddressed, this “sin of omission” often frays or even tears the fabric of partner affection.

Easily Ignored

Regularly overlooked, everyday thoughtful niceties like please and thank you represent the simplest and often the most handily dispensed expressions of love. Yet, too often, we cavalierly presuppose that others, especially our closest others, will comply with our needs and wishes and do our bidding even in the absence of these respectful expressions. Equally risky, the underrespecting “please-less” expectations we impose on others often lack a courteous provision that allows them a "guilt-free" yes-or-no option to our request.

Of course, on many occasions, we can count on giving and receiving kindnesses unclothed of these common courtesies, but for how long? Can we make these “relationship withdrawals” without reinvesting our respect in others? Probably not.

Especially in our closest relationships, these simple expressions of respect and kindness are, sadly, all too often absent from our day-to-day vernacular and, again, in their void remains the unspoken presupposition that you are to do my bidding and at my discretion—after all, you love me, don’t you? These small but crucial omissions of other kindness and respect can negatively impact or even haunt our relationships. Still, their perpetual absence can be especially notorious in our closest relationships, ironically, where they may be most needed, even sin qua non.

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However, as simple, uncomplicated, and unadorned as they may be, please and thank you contain a healthy dose of self-and-other respect. For example, when prefacing a request with “please,” there’s often a tacit but still clear acknowledgment of a valid need that the one making the request brings to another. Then, once the petitioner's request is honored and capped off with a respectful thank you, a well-earned modicum of other respect is reciprocated. The please and thank you aspect of the transaction thus confers equitable benefits to both the petitioner and obliger.

An Economy of Time and Energy

There are clear advantages to this abbreviated but potent version of loving others—this shorthand, as it were. It can be used in a pinch, where urgent matters require that we be quick, efficient, and economical with our time and energy while trying to keep intact the moment-to-moment health and vitality of our relationships. Our efforts to seize these mini moments of opportunity to love others with politeness, especially the ones we’re closest to, by expressing these courtesies—please and thank you—can be more than just frugal; they wisely and compassionately nurture our relationships. Surely, the deliberate and purposeful effort to deploy these small but powerful “lovemaking” gestures breathes affection and respect into our relationships, which makes our effort well worth the time and energy.

A Quick, Two-Step Shorthand for Loving

In my own relationship, when my wife carves out a moment from her full schedule to preface any needs or requests she may have with, “Would you please?” or “Do you have the time to?” followed up with her expressions of gratitude once the task is complete, “Thanks for your help,” or “I appreciate what you did,” her kind considerations invariably spark in me discernable and reassuring feelings that my personal needs and feelings have been taken into account, they’ve been respected and not simply taken for granted. In two quick steps, I’ve been loved.