Setting Boundaries if You Are a People-Pleaser

Source: Git Stephen/Pexels

Setting boundaries can be scary, especially if you have a history of people-pleasing. Pleasers tend to focus on what others need and forget about their own needs to reduce tension in a relationship. If stress or anxiety gets high enough in a marriage, family, friend group, or at work, they will adjust their inner selves to keep harmony. As a pleaser, you aim to make others happy and ease their discomfort. Therefore, shifting your focus to your limits can initially feel awkward and unnatural. You can feel like you are creating more issues than necessary and revert to doing too much for others, taking on responsibility that isn’t yours, or doing what you think is expected of you to calm the other person down.

First, you have to shift your perspective that setting boundaries is a selfish thing to do and come to the realization that connecting with others shouldn’t come at your own expense. It is natural to seek acceptance and connection, and caring for others gives us a sense of purpose. But when we are too focused on pleasing others as our only way to gain acceptance and connection, we run into neglecting ourselves. People-pleasing can lead to burnout, relationship resentment, and a constant feeling of being overwhelmed.

Setting boundaries for how much you’re willing to do is healthy and beneficial for your relationships. Doing too much for your kids, partner, family, or co-workers could contribute to unhelpful relationship patterns. A boundary is letting others know how a fulfilling and mutually satisfying relationship looks. Boundaries are basic instructions for how to behave and respectfully be together.

How to start gently setting boundaries

Know your limits. Start paying attention to how you feel about the situations you find yourself in. What makes you feel uncomfortable, resentful, embarrassed, disrespected, or dismissed? Those feelings often point to boundaries that must be set with the people in your life.

Make time for yourself. Permit yourself to prioritize caring for yourself. When you start focusing on yourself, you’ll become more motivated to set the proper boundaries because you’ll no longer want to accept what doesn’t work for you. Making time for yourself includes understanding the importance of your feelings and valuing them just as much as others’ feelings.

Change your role in your relationships. Your role in relationships keeps you engaging in routine behaviors that may consist of flimsy boundaries. For example, when you always play the caretaker role, you hyperfocus on others; putting yourself last and ignoring your needs becomes normal. When you start setting boundaries, you might get some pushback from the people in your life who have come to expect particular behavior or responses from you. If this happens, remember that setting boundaries and changing your relationship role is okay. You can still be caring and loving toward others, just not at your own expense.

Here are some examples of boundaries:

• I need time to hang out with my friends and do things I enjoy without my partner always being included.
• I am not willing to continue a conversation if I feel disrespected.
• I am raising my child how I feel is best, and I will not allow my mom to undermine my decisions.

Maintain boundaries. You’ll need to communicate your boundary to them. This is an ongoing process; in most cases, you’ll need to continue reminding the other person about your boundary and, importantly, be prepared to act if they violate it. We tend to want people—especially our partners—to be mind-readers who know our desires and limits without our saying a word, but that isn’t realistic. That type of thinking will only get us into trouble. Maintaining boundaries requires having direct conversations with the people in your life. In your intimate relationships, in particular, you need to talk about what behaviors you accept and don’t accept. This means getting specific—name the behavior so the other person isn’t left to guess what they did to upset you. Also, state how you will respond if they continue that behavior in the future.

How to communicate your boundaries

• “It makes me so happy that you and my friends get along, but sometimes I need time with just them to focus on those relationships. I’m going out with them this weekend, but we can plan to all hang out together another time.”
• “When you interrupt me while I’m speaking, I feel you don’t respect what I say. If you continue to interrupt me, I will end this conversation.”
• “Mom, Lily told me you were commenting on her weight and her choice of after-school snack. It’s important to me to help my daughter have a healthy relationship with food and her body. If you’re going to watch Lily, you cannot talk about weight or dieting.”

Relationships Essential Reads

Married to Two People: The Romantic Life of Widows

How to Tell If a Friend or Partner Is a Leaf, Tree, or Root

Speaking up and setting boundaries is more manageable when you don’t try to change anyone and only focus on managing your internal experience and responses. Before addressing a boundary, ask yourself these questions:

• In what ways do I want this person’s behavior to change?
• In what ways do I want my behaviors to change concerning this person?
• What have I experienced, over time, from this relationship?

Set goals before you speak to this person, and remember that you can only control your response, not the other person’s behavior. Will you walk away if this person responds negatively or ignores your boundary? Say that you’ll talk later when they are less upset. Take deep breaths until you both relax. Think of possible responses in advance, then choose whatever response works for you and your situation. A few examples are included to help you get started.

• “I understand you’re disappointed, but spending time with just my friends is important. Let’s talk more about this later—we can make plans to all get together another time.”
• “I’m unable to have a productive conversation with you when you interrupt me. I’m going to get going now. We can talk another time.”
• “I’ll be picking Lily up from school on Fridays now. You’re welcome to visit us those afternoons, but I won’t allow any comments about weight or dieting in front of her.”

Doing this work is guaranteed to make you anxious and uncomfortable at times. There’s no way around it; that awkward feeling is part of the change process. But with some practice, your discomfort with setting boundaries will subside. When you can manage your anxiety about facing issues head-on in more helpful ways than in the past, you’ll know you’re practicing healthy boundaries.