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Being A "Good Enough" Mother to Twins
Personal Perspective: How to help your children individuate.
Updated June 16, 2023 Reviewed by Kaja Perina
This is the second in a two-part series. Read the first post here.
Being a good-enough parent to twins takes a lot of self-reflection about your role as a parent and knowledge of the special challenges of twin development. Hands-on and emotional support from your nuclear and extended family, teachers, twin specialists, friends, other mothers of twins, nannies and babysitters and a cleaning crew are essential. Next in importance is avoiding unsolicited advice and opinions from outsiders. Truly, it is challenging to avoid people who think they know how to raise twins because advice-givers cause problems for twins and parents. When outsider-busybodies give advice, try to avoid them in a gracious way if you can.
There will always be questions from onlookers about your twins. The usual first question is, “Are they twins?” Followed by: “Which one is better looking, smarter, bigger, more outgoing, more athletic, more sensitive?” to name a few onlooker interests.
These questions are harmful to twin identity development. For twins, comparisons are the most problematic and painful, according to my research, consultations with twins and my own personal experiences. Here are some ideas that will contribute to raising twins who are individuals and friends.
Have Your Own Personal Parenting Strategy
It is very important for parents to have a parenting strategy of their own that fits their personal values, their children’s needs and their life style. In other words, mother should know best. Families with twins need to ask, “How will we help to develop individuality for each twin while allowing for twin closeness to grow? How can we honor twin closeness without reinforcing interdependence?”
Get Help with the Physical Challenges of Twins
Parents of twins know that it is hard to have a calm home without help to contain the noise and confusion that twins naturally create. If your home life is a continual struggle you will not be able to detect differences between your children. Having lots of different "assistants" will allow you get to know how your children are different and what each one needs. Figuring out differences between your twins is the first step to developing individuality.
Make a Schedule You Can Follow, and Keep It
I am not suggesting a rigid schedule that creates more problems than it solves. Rather, I am thinking that there is a time and place for everything, especially with twins who are the world's leading experts on creating confusion and twin trouble. Maybe having a list that needs to be followed throughout the day will help. Parents who work with me have definite ideas of what they want to accomplish in a day. Good-enough parents know how to say, "You can do this tomorrow or on the weekend." Organized parents do not fall into the trap that “good parents” are always prepared to give their child what they want no matter the financial or emotional cost. Carefully think through what your twins need.
Spend Time Playing and Talking to Each Child Alone Every Day
This may seem unreasonable given what goes into the lives of raising twins. Think about this rule as food for the development of individuality. The more you invest in each twin as an individual the easier and less conflicted or confusing your parenting role will become. Your twins will fight less and behave themselves more easily.
When possible separate your twins into two bedrooms, have different activities after school, and dress them differently when you can. Without a doubt, these actions will help develop individuality and teach social skills and independence.
Respect Twin Closeness
The bond twins share is a primary attachment that helps twins grow and thrive. Be careful to be sensitive to this bond by informing your children when they will be separated. Be sure to treat each child fairly. Do not discipline one twin for their brother or sister’s misbehavior, as this truly creates friction between twins. Maybe this sounds silly, but always remember that twins are different people. Treating twins as copies of each other because they are close will create problems later in life that are very very difficult to overcome.
Help Children Develop Their Own Social Skills
Be careful to make sure that each child is developing adequate life skills. Sometimes twins take over for each other. For example, one twin is the caretaker and the other twin is better at dealing with the outside world. Both children need to take on each of these roles. When twins are self sufficient you have accomplished a parental task that contributes to happiness and less fighting and competition throughout your children’s lives.
Encourage Separate Friends and Interests
Obviously, this is critically important and not that hard to do if you focus on each of your twins as an individual. While being dogmatic about separate friends and interests creates its own problem (maybe you live in a small community), taking a realistic perspective will be very useful. Sometimes twins will share friends and interest but not all of the time. Find a happy balance.
Twins Are Companions and Trusted Friends, Not Babysitters for One Another
Twin closeness is hard to manage. When your children are little, letting them “keep each other busy” and entertained is natural. But limiting this twin entertainment or baby-sitting connection should be taken into consideration. For example, your children can have playtime together as well as playtime apart. Grandparents or babysitters should take care of your twins separately.
Double Trouble Is a Normal Side Effect of Twinship
My twin and I really enjoyed using our closeness to be pranksters and to get our own way. And some of this behavior is expectable and tolerable. Sometimes twins gang up against parents, and this aspect of double trouble should be eliminated as quickly as possible. I could write much more about twins taking over the home environment together, but I want you to use your own imagination and avoid the negativity of double trouble behavior.
Conclusions
Parents who can take in what I am writing about will have an easier time raising their twin children. Finding other people who understand what you are going through will also lighten the load of raising twins.Try to stay positive about your ability to help each of your twins find their own path as they separate from one another.
