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Key points
- Learning to be more emotionally aware is a common goal for men in therapy.
- Emotional unavailability is a frequent relationship complaint.
- Reframing and reviewing our existing emotional strengths is an important way to become emotionally attuned.
Often in my practice I work with men who wish to work on their emotions—to become more emotionally aware or attuned. Here are some steps that I usually follow:
1. Who is telling you that you are emotionally unavailable?
The first question we usually work with is why this question surfaced in the first place. Often, it is connected to a partner or spouse who finds that we are not as emotionally available as they would like, or finds us emotionally “flat.” Partners frequently express an inability to reach or connect with someone they see as emotionally distant. They long to know what’s happening inside their head or notice them drifting off with a vacant gaze.
Being told that we are not emotionally attuned or “present” can be very difficult to hear. We might not even be aware of it ourselves, and this can create great relationship anxiety since all of a sudden it has become a big deal between us and our partners. It can often be a source of great tension in couples and even a dealbreaker for some.
This is occasionally what brings men into therapy—to learn how to be more emotionally aware to save the relationship. In therapy, we want to normalize this experience for men and relieve some of the pressure to fix or change everything all at once. Usually, the urgency to change is a result of not feeling connected or emotionally “in tune” with each other for a long time.
To solve this issue first requires us not to catastrophize it. It also requires reframing some of the bleak or blunt views our partner may have of us regarding our emotions and our emotional awareness.
2. You’re more emotionally aware than you think.
This is a very important part of becoming more emotionally aware and intelligent. I have rarely met anyone who does not experience emotions or cannot be emotionally connected to themselves. Part of the obstacle, however, can be a view of ourselves rooted in a belief that we are not emotional. For instance, many men see themselves primarily as rational, logical, or "problem-solvers" first, and thus neglect to recognize their emotional parts.
This rational self-concept can be self-fulfilling. I can convince myself and my partner that I am not emotional and that I cannot be present because I have never learned to be that way. These often false beliefs are based on assumptions about what being emotional looks or feels like. Being emotional doesn’t mean having overwhelming emotions, crying, or feeling powerful empathy.
Being emotional or emotionally attuned can simply mean describing what you experience on a moment-to-moment basis. It can be views or impressions about work, family, career goals, or life satisfaction. Feeling a little disappointed or frustrated at work or feeling tired and irritated by young children are emotional experiences.
Being able to describe these out loud and in the presence of our partner or friends can be a difficult challenge for men, one often born from lack of practice. But this lack of practice does not mean it is not there. Understanding that we have emotions, even if subtle, is the first step towards communicating this to someone in our lives. Often, sharing these thoughts is enough to let our spouse “in” and a bridge to closer intimacy and connection.
3. Be mindful of distractions, busyness, and boredom.
One way to connect with emotions is to rid ourselves of distractions for a little bit. This means taking a couple hours in bed without reading, watching TV, or scrolling on our phones. When we are freed from distractions, we might feel bored at first. After boredom, other emotions might surface, as well as thoughts or impressions about people in our life, our day, or bigger thoughts about life satisfaction, regret, etc.
As the neuroscientist Anna Lembke argues, freeing ourselves from our distracting habits can be terrifying because it can release a whole host of painful emotions. It is not always negative, however, and ruminating alone with our thoughts can sometimes let our mind wander to positive memories or feelings about our relationship, family, or friends.
When we free ourselves from distractions, we unleash the mind’s autonomous forces, which often contain a wide range of feelings. Tracking and communicating these feelings can create new forms of intimacy and connection with our partner, and go far in eliminating the emotional barriers that often appear in couples.
4. Use an emotional wheel.
Naming is taming, and often we do not have an extensive vocabulary when it comes to our emotions. I recommend using an emotion wheel, which you can Google very easily. It starts with primary emotions, like anger, but then refines into other, more nuanced feelings, like irritation, guilt, or jealousy.
Using a tool like this can help you to feel your way into what often seems amorphous and abstract. Many times, emotions can just amount to feeling “off.” Using a wheel can help to pinpoint our feelings and get us closer to feeling better, as well as identifying solutions or paths forward as individuals or as a couple.
To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
