After The Breakup (Part One of Two)

All romantic relationships come to an end at some point.

Whether it occurs through the death of a partner or, more likely, because one or both partners in the relationship decide to end things and move on to new relationships, the emotional aftermath can be devastating. Still, through the course of a normal human lifespan, we will enter and exit a whole series of romantic relationships. While everyone hopes to form a lifelong pair bond, there are usually going to be "trial" relationships along the way in which we acquire the intimacy skills that will be needed to maintain a long-term relationship.

All too frequently, however, even relationships that we hoped would be "for life" can come to an end as well and the pain this can produce may take years to overcome. Depending on which statistics you look at, the odds of a marriage ending in divorce can range from one-third to one half for first-time marriages. Even couples who decide to live together before marrying don't seem to fare any better in terms of long-term relationship success.

There seems to be agreement among different researchers studying relationship breakups that the process of breaking up typically comes in stages. One breakup model by British social psychologist Steve Duck suggests that a relationship breakup goes through four phases:

• The intra-psychic phase is when both partners begin to weigh the relationship in terms of how satisfied they are and whether they would be happier with someone else. As soon as one or both partners begin sharing their thoughts with each other, they progress to the second stage.
• The dyadic phase is when partners start alternating between attempts at repairing the relationship and arranging to end things.
• Once the couple agree to end the relationship, then the social phase of relationship dissolution begins. This is the "awkward" phase when all the social repercussions for the breakup sets in.
• Finally, the "grave-dressing" phase with both partners coming to terms with the breakup and trying to understand why the relationship didn't last.

On the other hand, social psychologist Leslie Baxter has argued that a relationship breakup can usually be seen as a complicated process involving different stages in which crucial decisions can alter what happens afterward. Her process model of relationship dissolution has six critical stages:

• gradual vs sudden onset of relationship problems
• the unilateral (one partner) or bilateral (both partners) decision to end the relationship
• using direct or indirect actions to accomplish the dissolution
• rapid vs protracted nature of the negotiation to end the relationship
• presence vs absence of relationship repair attempts
• the final outcome of relationship termination vs relationship continuing

Depending on how partners deal with the challenges during any of these stages, the outcome can vary enormously in terms of the emotional impact involved and whether the breakup will be amicable or not.

Whatever process the breakup follows, ending a relationship can be an emotionally wrenching experience that can result in later problems such as depression, anxiety, or substance abuse. There is often grief as well as people mourn the lost relationship. Though perhaps not as intense as the kind of grief people experience after the death of a partner, there can still be long-term emotional consequences that could sabotage future relationships due to the fear of going through something similar. People with pre-existing problems with depression or anxiety are often especially vulnerable after a breakup since they are losing a major source of emotional support as a result.

Sadly, there is no real way to predict whether or not a relationship will succeed, or even how well you might be able to handle a breakup. According to anthropologist Helen Fisher, humans are "soft-wired to suffer terribly when we are rejected by someone we adore." In a study looking at individuals who had recently suffered a breakup, she concluded that being "dumped" is one of the most painful experiences a human being can endure, especially if the breakup is unexpected. She also found that "dumpees" often become obsessed with winning their former mate back and that "abandonment rage" is particularly common, especially in men.

For both men and women, however, there is often acute separation anxiety over the fear of being alone. This can be explained by brain research looking at the neurochemical consequences of a breakup. After being dumped, dopamine and norepinephrine levels linked to romantic love often become even more elevated. And so, love turns to fury or despair in response.

But the emotional damage isn't necessarily limited to the one who has been dumped. The "dumper" often experiences guilt over the emotional hurt caused to the partner and is typically treated more negatively by friends and family who view him or her as being responsible for the breakup in spite of the circumstances.

Evolutionary psychologists have long suggested that males and females may view breakups differently due to their different perspectives on the mating process. According to the "investment model" of human pair bonding, women are often forced to invest more time and energy into forming and maintaining a stable relationship due to the biological costs involved in a possible pregnancy. For that reason, women are more likely to be selective in choosing a potential partner. Men, on the other hand, have fewer incentives to stay and pursue a monogamous relationship, but also face greater competition in winning suitable partners. As a result, they are more likely to be promiscuous and pursue multiple sexual partners.

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Due to these different sexual imperatives for men and women, the reasons for ending a romantic relationship can include: infidelity, infertility, failure to take adequate care of children, psychological or physical abuse, and availability of compelling mating alternatives. Evolutionary psychologist Joel Wade has also argued that sexual conflict is often given as a cause of relationship breakup, particularly conflict over such issues as infidelity, unmet sexual expectations, or poor communication regarding sexual matters.

But are there really sex differences in terms of post-relationship grief following a romantic breakup?

Continue to Part Two.