Do the Relationship Secrets That You Keep Ever Get to You?

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It almost goes without saying that partners in a relationship will, at least occasionally, keep something hidden from each other. Sometimes these qualify for the status of a “mini” secret, such as not sharing with your partner a recent shopping spree. However, other secrets can be larger and more enduring.

Perhaps there’s a woman in your extended family who discovers that her partner, unknown to her, fathered a child many years ago. Now the other children from this marriage have step-siblings that they didn’t know existed. For the woman herself, the revelation shakes her to her very foundation.

What you might consider somewhat less serious but “mid-level” secrets are far more common. These can involve one partner keeping hush about a demotion at work, or at least the reason for the demotion. Depending on the quality of the relationship and the nature of the secret, these deviations from complete honesty can have varying ramifications. In some couples, there is no secret that would be considered permissible, so even that surreptitious shopping spree could count as a blemish on the relationship’s quality.

The Conflict Created by Secret-Keeping

According to a new study by Carleton University’s Christopher Davis (2023), because everyone wants to feel accepted by their romantic partner, they “are often motivated to conceal from loved ones their mistakes, weaknesses, and transgressions” (p. 1). These facts are concealed in order to maintain or enhance their partner’s respect and acceptance. The concealment itself, however, can create a further conundrum in that the secret-keeper now feels “dishonest, inauthentic, and isolated in the relationship” (p. 1).

The struggle between revealing vs. keeping a secret, Davis goes on to explain, constitutes a “dual-motive” conflict. This conflict can become debilitating the more the secret starts to occupy an individual’s bandwidth. Of course, not everyone is equally affected by the mental strain of keeping a secret from a loved one. A personality quality known as “self-concealment” captures the extent to which people will hold back on revealing negative information about themselves to a partner. Related to higher self-concealment are personality attributes of perfectionism, loneliness, low self-esteem, and an insecure attachment style. Someone low in self-concealment would be less likely not only to keep a secret but also to worry about the fact that they’re doing so.

Measuring Secret-Keeping’s Effect on Negative Emotions

The Carleton U. psychologist recruited a sample of 493 online adult participants averaging 39 years old and in a relationship for an average of 13 years. Following the sample over the course of six weeks, Davis first assessed trait levels of self-concealment along with details of the most important secret participants had kept from their partner. Across the subsequent three test occasions, participants reported their level of preoccupation with the secret, its importance, and their current levels of affect, or mood. In a second, smaller, study, Davis conducted a few tweaks of the method, including adding an outcome measure of guilt.

To give you an idea of the types of secrets the participants reported, here is a listing of the most common: something the secret-keeper might view as stigmatizing, having a secret crush or committing actual infidelity, and an event from childhood that reflected badly on the person, Several participants kept secret from their partner their history of having been a victim of crime or engaging in actual criminal behavior itself (e.g., shoplifting).

Efforts at suppression of the secret were measured with items such as “To what extent did you think ‘stop’ when you think about the secret?” Preoccupation questions included, for example, “How often do thoughts of the secret keep you from completing tasks?”

Additional items tapped the theoretically important variable involving perceived loss of respect from the partner should the secret be revealed, such as “If your partner found out about the secret, would you feel: ashamed or guilty, lose self-respect, feel your reputation had been damaged, feel angry, or feel sad?” These items were all rated on scales of 1 to 5.

The personality trait of self-concealment was measured with items such as “I have negative thoughts about myself that I never share with my partner.”

The overall findings showed clearly that self-concealment, as hypothesized, was related both to preoccupation and suppression, which, in turn, significantly predicted negative affect and feelings of guilt. The act of secret-keeping further accentuated this pattern, meaning that the worst outcome occurs when a person high in self-concealment actually does keep a secret.

How to Work Through Your Own Secret-Keeping Guilt

The Carleton U. study makes it clear that secret-keeping can be harmful to your mental health. Those particularly likely to suffer tend to carry with them as a general tendency a preference to play their cards close to the chest. Unfortunately, though, as Davis notes, higher self-concealment itself can create a vicious cycle when something happens that they don’t want to share with their partner. Now their fear of having their secret exposed starts to grow inside them, driving out other thoughts and creating even further feelings of guilt and low self-worth.

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It would seem that the obvious answer to the question of whether to disclose or not disclose would be to throw caution to the wind and get to the big “reveal.” However, given the very delicate nature of the secrets that participants admitted to having, the act of disclosure may not be all that simple. Of course, you could have your secret revealed to your partner without your intending to do so (some old love letters hidden in a drawer perhaps?). In this case, the worst of your fears comes true and now your partner knows not only your secret but also the fact that you kept it from them.

To get you to the point of feeling that you can reveal your secret to your partner without threatening your self-worth or the respect you think you might lose, it may be best to engage in some reality testing about how you think your partner might respond. Are you sure you’d be rejected by this person who constantly tells you how much they love you? And, even more to the point, is it possible your partner also holds a secret they’re keeping from you? If so, they may be far more accepting than you might otherwise imagine.

To sum up, relationship secrets can definitely get to you, as shown by the Davis study. By letting go of some of the danger you associate with revealing the truth, it may be possible for you and your partner both to let your honest, if flawed, selves shine through.