Verified by 
Relationships
Are You Destined to Be Single and Alone Forever?
10 things that could be keeping you unattached.
Posted February 8, 2024 Reviewed by Hara Estroff Marano
Key points
- Don't assume that you are destined to remain single or that singlehood means that you are unhappy or alone.
- You can feel much happier and more fulfilled remaining single than being attached to the wrong person.
- Nonetheless, check whether specific behaviors and circumstances may be keeping you from getting what you want.
As Valentine's Day approaches, if you are single, you may be wondering whether you may remain so forever. You may think that it's your destiny to be single. You may even question whether you are destined to be alone, if you somehow equate being single with being alone. After all, it's been how many years since high school and you still haven't found what you are looking for, in the words of that U2 song, right?
Well, be careful using the words "destined to be," especially when it comes to anything potentially negative. Sure, if you are making a peanut butter, mayonnaise, banana, and pickle sandwich, you may be destined for a tummy ache. But for anything in the longer term, don't assume that you are truly destined for some unavoidable fate. You never know when the right person may come into your life. Heck, who knows, the next person to say "Nice sandwich" could be your match. Believing that you have no choice or agency in the matter can keep you from exerting the effort needed to get what you want.
At the same time, it may be a good idea to check whether you are doing one or more of the following things that may be keeping you single:
1. Wanting to remain single.
This is pretty straightforward: You may get what you want, what you really, really want, in the immortal words of the Spice Girls. Deep down, do you prefer being single? Being single doesn't necessarily mean that you are alone. In fact, you could end up having broader and richer work and friendship circles. Singlehood does have many other advantages as well. Not only does it give you full control of the remote control and the entire bed to sleep on, but singlehood can also afford you a whole lot more flexibility and opportunities for growth that may not be available when you're attached to the wrong person.
2. Maintaining standards that are too difficult to match.
Sure, there are important deal-breakers, such as the other person having very different values, not being kind to you, or insisting on playing the trumpet while in your bed at all hours. But discounting people for more minor preferences, such as their not having the "right" look or background, could be missing the big picture. Also, don't expect fireworks and cherubs playing harps when you've first met "The One". Attraction and love can grow over time as you get to know the person inside.
3a. Not knowing what you want, what you really, really want.
As the legendary New York Yankee Yogi Berra once said, "You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there." While it's good to be flexible, having no idea of what's right for you can be like running into a supermarket while hungry. You can end up just choosing whatever is most convenient for you, which may not be the right thing, and which brings us to:
3b. Being attracted to the wrong people and things.
Engaging with the wrong people can cost you time better spent with the right person.
4. Being unavailable.
The right person is not going to chase you if you are currently occupied by something else. That something else could be another relationship, past or present. It may be an ex that you still keep mentioning, that friend for whom you are pining but who is unavailable to you, or, ummm, your continuing marriage. Alternatively, that something else could be some other type of obsession or addiction, such as alcohol, drugs, work, social media, drama, or squirrel videos.
5. Giving up too easily.
When the tough gets going, do you get going away? Relationships aren't what they appear to be on many TV shows and rom-coms. They do require dedication and work to maintain and grow.
6. Having a major flaw or hang-up that prevents solid relationships.
You know when someone tells you, "It's not you, it's me?" Well, it could be you. Do you keep doing something that makes it difficult for people to be with you? Do you continue to bring unresolved issues? While you shouldn't necessarily change what you do every time someone wants you to change, don't take the song "Take Me As I Am" to extremes.
7. Not feeling worthy.
"We're not worthy! We're not worthy," may have worked as a saying in Wayne's World. But if you don't view yourself as being worthy of a relationship, who's going to look at you and say, "I want some of that?"
8. Remaining in the wrong space.
You could be in the wrong physical, professional, emotional, mental, or metaphysical space. Say you are in a location where there's a lot of unfamiliarity with or even discrimination against people of your race, ethnicity, orientation, preferences, or other characteristics; then your options may be very limited. Similarly, a work situation or social circle that doesn't appreciate your gifts can leave you unhappy, which can carry over to your dating life. If you are indeed in the wrong space, heed the immortal words of the musical group Techtronic: "Baby, let me show you how to do this. You've gotta move this." Move to the right space.
9. Being afraid of commitment, abandonment, or any risk.
Do you freak out every single time that you think about the Big M or the Big F (meaning "forever")? Then single time is what may continue to happen to you. Keeping your options open may sound safe but not when you risk losing a great fit for you in the process.
10. Being too desperate.
Finally, trying too hard not to be single could keep you single. Desperation can be like haggis: Others can smell it. Remember, being single doesn't necessarily mean unhappiness, lack of fulfillment, or being alone, no matter how all that Valentine's Day talk and propaganda may make you feel.
