Tips for Overriding the Worst Communication Habit

AntonioGuillemF/Depositphotos

I have two friends who have a habit of finishing my sentences before I do. They think they know what I’m going to say, but they are often wrong. No matter how well they think they know me, they don’t know what I want or how I see things until they hear me out.

One of and maybe the worst communication habit is assuming what people mean and want without fully listening. You quit listening when you think you know. Even if you have known a person all your life, your assumption that you know what they have in mind without fully listening and being curious about their words is a bad habit.

The habit is not only annoying; it can damage your relationships. Neurobiologist Steven Rose says, “…our mind/brains develop and create order out of the blooming buzzing confusion… thinking we see a snapshot of a brain’s current state is meaningless unless we know the entire life history of that brain’s owner.”¹ You have not lived the life of anyone you are talking to. You push people away when you already know without listening.

You have to deliberately override the habit of already knowing to better communicate and connect.

How to stop knowing and start listening

A few coaching skills can help you create good listening habits. To set the direction of the session, coaches are required to clarify and verbally agree on what clients want to create or change early in the conversation. The more coaches seek to understand what the clients mean when they stress keywords or repeat phrases, the better they can agree on what clients really want that they don’t have now. If there is no clear agreement on what clients really want as a desired outcome, they may enjoy talking about their problems, but the actions they agree to take at the end of the session may not achieve long-term results. The problem will probably resurface in the future when facing a similar situation.

If what the client declares they want is vague and unobservable, such as “to have more confidence” or “to feel more motivated when I wake up,” the coach needs to ask the client what confidence or feeling motivated means to them and what will change when they have these feelings. When the coach plays back the clarified picture to confirm what the client sees as a desired outcome, the coach and client will have an agreement with fewer or no assumptions. The coach can then focus on what needs to be resolved to move toward this vision.

You can use this coaching approach in all of your conversations to limit making baseless assumptions and clarify with curiosity what seem to be the most important words that a person is using. Start by assuming nothing. Do not think you know what they think without checking.

Ask people what the words they use mean to them. Make sure you are both clear on what they see when they explain what they mean. Once you have a shared understanding of the meaning they attach to their words, you can move forward.

When you give up the habit of already knowing what someone means or wants, you will deepen your connection with them. Stay curious and confirm what you think they mean and want. They will feel seen, heard, and valued.

The courage to be curious

Letting go of knowing takes courage. You have to use willpower to consistently allow yourself to become uncertain. If you pride yourself on knowing how people think, not knowing can leave you feeling vulnerable.

The opposite of not knowing what people are thinking doesn’t have to mean you are clueless. The opposite of not-knowing can mean you are awesomely interested.

In Awe: The New Science of Everyday Wonder and How It Can Transform Your Life, Dacher Keltner says, “There are many opportunities for everyday awe.”² Keltner defines awe as a blend of admiration, curiosity, and deep appreciation. When you quiet and open your mind with wonder, you can experience the feeling of being free of worldly concerns and dissolving completely into the moment.

Can you use a sense of wonder to connect more deeply? Can you shift from making quick assumptions about what people mean and need to being curious about how the awesome and surprising humans you are with define themselves, their situations, and their desires? Let your needs and fears recede as you seek, witness, and accept the experience of the interesting person you are with.

Overriding Your False Sense of Knowing

Leadership and innovation expert Hal Gregersen suggests spending more time being quiet, knowing you can be wrong. “Don’t just be curious. Ask the question, ‘What could I be dead wrong about?’” Then admit, “What can I now see that I didn’t know I was looking for?”³ Courageously let go of knowing so you can bravely journey together with someone beyond the borders of their stories.

Relationships Essential Reads

5 Ways to Quit the Habit of "Kitchen Sinking" Your Partner

Why Are Friends With Benefits on the Rise?

To be a better communicator, catch the habit of being the one who knows so you can replace it with being the one who engages people in creative dialogue. Be curious about knowing what you don’t know. See everything as brand-new so you don’t miss what’s changing. Embracing not knowing can actually be more fun as well as more engaging.